Moments We Live For: 2011

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Update

Again, I have fallen behind on keeping y'all updated. In my defense it has been a crazy, busy month. Let's get started shall we?  Some of the important dates are mentioned below. 
 
August, 10th- Grandma and Papa went home. :( We were sad but spent the day out and about to keep our mind off of it. We can't wait until we are able to visit with them again. Unfortunately, that may not be until early next year.  
 
August, 13th- Daddy came home from work this morning and said "Let's go to Oklahoma!" We loaded up the car and took an impromptu, 3 hours trip to visit my family. They were pretty surprised and it was good to spend some time with them even though it was only for one night.  
 
 
August, 15th- Mr. Caden Wyatt had to go the the Dr today. He had a bad  cold/cough and fever. They said he had bronchitis and gave him an antibiotic. Poor little man. Also, I started classes today. I took a full load to try and get ahead since I will be taking the Spring semester off for the baby. It's a lot of work but I can do it!!! 
 
 
August, 16th- Today we went to mommy's Dr so we could see the baby. They did our gender scan and it was very clear that it is a BOY!! I knew it. Totally had that feeling even though I wanted a girl. Everyone was happy except Katie. She cried. :( She wanted a little sister SO bad. I feel for her. I couldn't help feeling a little disappointed myself but like daddy told Katie, now she is even more special, being the only girl. We are just thankful that he is healthy and we can't wait to meet him. 
 
August, 22nd- It's official! I am now the proud owner of a 7th grader and a 3rd grader! Wow time flies when your having fun. First day of school and the kids loved it. Hopefully this year will be filled with good things for them! 
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August, 23rd- HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIANNA!!! My beautiful niece was born at 2:21am weighing in at 8lbs 6oz and 20.5 in. long. She is gorgeous and I am so happy for my amazing sister and brother in law. It kills me because I wasn't able to be there the way she was for 2 of my 3 deliveries and because it will probably be awhile before I can get my hands on her! But what can I do about it besides hoard all the pictures I can get? I love her so very much already!!!! 
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August, 29th- Colten started fall baseball today. It is now playing on a 14U team and I was a little worried at first because some of those boys are much bigger and better then he is but he jumped right in there and is giving it all he can. He is doing well and is very excited to be learning so much! We are all excited for him! 
 
 
September, 3rd- Oh thank heavens it has finally cooled off. Today was the first bearable day in weeks! Absolutely beautiful!!! Bring on the fall weather!!! 
 
That about catches y'all up. Some random things have happened as well. I joined the PTA at Katie's school. I am super excited about being involved and about all the cool stuff we will be doing this year. It feels good to get out and be helpful. It makes me feel like I belong here. Also, Randy applied for a different position at RSC. <strike>If</strike>, WHEN, he gets it he will get a $4 pay raise and a company truck. He is super excited and we are praying very hard that it will happen. Pray for him friends!  
 
 
The kids are doing great and so our we. We have had a few bumps in the road but we will stick together and get through it as a family! We are very excited for what the next few months hold for us. I promise I will try to keep up with the blog so I can keep you in the loop. 
 
 Many blessing and prayers going out to you all. Be happy, no matter what your situation may be there is always a bright side. You may have to look for it a little harder then you want to but trust me, it's there!  :)

Sunday, August 7, 2011

It's been way too long......

Wow! Has it really been almost 3 months since I posted something? Where does the time go? Needless to say we have had a very busy summer. Let me fill you in as much as I can.

SUMMER

The kids got out of school on the 9th of June. Grandpa came in that night from AZ to pick the kids and I up and take us back for a vacation. We spent the weekend with daddy and then headed out on the 13th for AZ. What a long trip but it was well worth it. The kids were SO excited for the time to spend with the grandparents and aunts and uncles and so was I. Honestly I was mostly excited about all the REAL Mexican food I got to eat. While we were there we headed up to Payson for a week or so to get out of the heat. I miss the smell of the pines and the cool weather. I had a Dr appointment to check up on this little one I have baking so I had to fly back on the 25th. It was awesome because the kids got to stay with their grandparents and I got a little vacation.

On the 1st of July Randy took vacation and we drove back (with the help of Jerrod and Aubrey) to the valley of the sun. Boy was it HOT!!! First place we hit was Filibertos. HAHAHA Can you tell how much my husband missed Mexican food? We had SO much that we wanted to do and SO many people we wanted to see. We made plans to visit everyone and hang out but unfortunately most of those plans fell apart. The Monday after we got there I woke up with a bad sore throat and by Tuesday morning I was running a fever and felt like I had been run over by a truck. Luckily I was able to call my Dr who called in a prescription and I started an antibiotic right away. It hit me hard and ruined all of my plans but what can you do? 4th of July was OK. Monsoon blew in and canceled the fireworks so it was a good thing we had decided to put on our own show before hand. The kids had a blast and memories were made. On the 9th we had a co-ed baby shower for my sister in law. It turned out wonderfully. I am thankful that I was able to be apart of that, especially since I will not be able to be there when the baby is born. That night we packed up and headed home. Despite our original plan to bring all of our kiddo's home with us we ended up leaving the two older ones. After tons of begging and pleading, from many different sources, we agreed to let them stay for another 2 weeks so they could spend time with their friends and everyone. On the 30th of July grandma and grandpa brought them home and decided to stay awhile and visit. They will be leaving on the 10th of this month and we are all pretty sad. We have had a great time with them being here.

AUGUST

We have a busy month ahead of us. The kids go back to school on the 22nd and we have so much to do to get ready. We registered Colten for Fall baseball and Katie will be registering for dance classes this month. They are both pretty excited. We were going to register Caden for Blast Ball but we decided to wait until Spring so he will be a little older. Another exciting thing about August is we get to find out if we are adding a new little boy or a new little girl to our family. Our gender/anatomy scan is on the 16th and we are SO very excited!!! All 5 of us will be there, together as a family, to see just how great this little baby is doing. We will let y'all know how it goes.

Well that just about sums up our summer. We are all doing pretty good. It's good to have us all back under one roof and to get back into a set routine. I will do my best to keep up on this blog so I can keep you all in the loop but be patient with me. It's crazy how fast time flies and before you know it there are just not enough hours in the day. I hope you all are healthy and happy and we are sending many prayers and blessings your way. :)

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Questions that make you ask questions!

Today on our way to my oldest sons baseball game a conversation about the guy who said he knew when the last day of the world was, came up. Colten, my oldest said that the guy must feel pretty stupid for getting it wrong and my daughter agreed. Then she said that the new last day of the world is gonna happen in October. (I think my kids watch the news too much. Lol) Colten turns to me and asks my opinion. I tell him that the Lord says to beware of false prophets and that no one, not even Jesus, will know the day or time when God will come back. He seemed to accept that answer with out thinking twice but not Katie. After pondering on my words for a few minutes she speaks up and says, "Mom, are God and Jesus the same person?" Colten quickly responded saying no they are not the same person. Katie looks over at me patiently waiting for me to clear things up. I can't!!!!

This question has my mind scrambling to find the right way to explain this to them in a way that they understand. I come up empty!

Blank!
Zip!
Zilch!
Nodda!

I have no idea how to answer this very important question. Luckily, I was saved by the fact that we had arrived at our destination and they had become distracted with the excitement of the game but through out the day my mind kept coming back to this conversation. It was nagging at me and I couldn't shake it.

Why couldn't I answer such a simple question? How do you answer a question like that? Yes, no, kinda?? I think the fact that I didn't have the words and quite frankly the biblical knowledge to explain to my children that the answer is so much more complicated then just a simple yes or no bothered me a great deal. In turn that got me asking more questions.

Why don't you know Amber?
How are you supposed to teach your kids more about God and Jesus if you don't know yourself?
If not me then who will they learn from? If I am not teaching them right there is gonna be someone out there waiting to teach them wrong!

As you can tell my head was and still is spinning with all these questions and thoughts. While trying to decipher them a thought hit me. "You need the knowledge before you can teach the knowledge!" Well duh Amber! It's obvious that I don't know as much as I thought I knew. Well why don't I? Another thought slams into me, "You learn by going to church, reading the bible, and worshiping the Lord!" All things that we have been slacking on. Yes we pray everyday but is that enough??

I think that what started as a simple little conversation between brother and sister was really Gods way of telling mommy that we have slipped a little too far away from where we are supposed to be! For awhile now we have been fighting to find a church that we could feel comfortable at. It has seemed like it's a losing battle. Yes, we have found some wonderful churches but none that have given us that "we are home" feeling. I think part of the reason is because we keep comparing every church to the church we left in AZ. We were comfortable there and we miss it. In the hassle of it all we have sort of let the whole issue get pushed to the back burner. News flash!! God does not belong on the back burner!! He made that point loud and clear to me today!

So once again we will continue our search for a church, but with an open heart and an open mind. I am confident that the Lord will lead us to where He wants us to be. Doesn't He always?

One thing I know for sure is that I long to have that close relationship with God again. He feels too far away right now and it because of my own doings! I also know that when my children ask me a question I want to know the answer, or be able to know how to get that answer! After all, God gave them to me perfect and healthy. The least I can do is grow them up knowing Him!

How awesome is it that when God wants up to know something he finds a way to tell us?!! Loud and clear!!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Happy Anniversary.....Or Not??!!

Today marks the anniversary if a very big time in our lives. A time of change, uncertainty, fear. Oh the emotions we went through when we made the decision to pack up everything we could fit into a U-haul and move 1000 miles away from everything we every really knew. They were overwhelming and sitting here reflecting on how I felt back then brings all those emotions to the surface.

It's very hard to to explain the reasons why we left Arizona. The main reason being because there was not work there but sometimes I question if that is the driving force behind what actually led us to take such a big leap away from home. Truth be told Randy and I needed a change. We were trying to change our life style and the way we did certain things and we both felt that the only way to do that was to get away from everything. We needed to come closer together as husband and wife and as a family of 5.We really just needed to spread our wings and fly a little.

It was not an easy decision to make. We had to think about the kids and about how our decisions would effect them. Colten had just started spreading his own little wings and expanding his social circle. All three of them had friends and family that they had been around their whole life. It was not an easy decision and it took many nights of prayer for us to decide what we were going to do. I truly believe that if it were not for God and for the comfort He put in my heart about the whole situation I would have not been strong enough to get in that truck and say goodbye to everyone I love.

It has been SUCH a struggle! We have ran into a few obstacles while we have been here but no one ever said it was going to be easy. Things are finally panning out and it seems hopeful that we are gonna be ok. Financially we are doing much better. The kids are settling in perfectly and the schools are AMAZING out here. I have met a couple of friends that are pretty cool. Randy LOVES his job. So what's the problem? ME! I am the problem! I have this longing for home. For comfort, for family, for friends, for the familiarity. I miss Arizona, plain and simple! Some days I am great. I feel positive and happy and I love it here. Other days I struggle to fight back the urge to throw what I can fit in my car and hit the road and not stop driving until I see my mountain. This war that is taking place inside me is SO exhausting. Up, down, up, down. (BTW, being pregnant is not helping much!) So how do I fix it?

While having a conversation about this with my best friend a few weeks back she kind of slapped me in the face with a little dose of reality. She was in a similar situation just a few years ago where she left AZ for better opportunities. She knows the struggles I am going through so well it's scary. Some days she can even explain what is going on in my head better then I can. Yet, she is completely the opposite when it comes to wanting to ever go back home. I asked her why she though it was different for me and with her answer came the slap I was talking about. "Because you have the mindset that Texas is temporary and that it's not about making a life there permanently but more about just waiting until you can get back to AZ!" Ouch! The truth hurts sometimes, even when it is delivered by someone you love. What got me even more is after pondering her words I realized that this whole time, from day one, that is how I have been thinking. When this journey started for me I thought, well if we fail we can just go home. It has since turned into, well ok we are doing good so now we need wait for an opening with Randy's company so we can go home. My goal has always been on finding a way back to Arizona, one way or another. WHY?? I wanted so badly to get away for there. From the situations that faced us there. I wanted change so bad so why have I been trying to run back to what I so badly wanted to run away from? Why have I never really given Texas a chance. Are the mixed feelings I am having my conscience fighting with my head that I should at least TRY to make it here? (Does that make sense or am I just rambling gibberish?)

I guess my answer lies in what I have gotten out of this experience. In doing this Randy and I have changed SO much. Our kids have changed SO much. We have indeed grown closer as a family. I have learned to have more patience. (Although my kids continue to test that every chance they get) We have learned that the most important thing is that we are all together. Being close as a family is the most important thing ever! And sadly, that is the piece that seems to be missing. The very thing we strive for is the thing that is pulling us back to Arizona. Our family. Yes we have this wonderful little unit of ours here. Yes we are all closer then we have ever been before. But at the same time we are missing out on our family that is 1000 miles away. A family that loves and supports us. A family that we miss SO much.

So there lies my problem friends. Is it possible to hold on the everything we have gained in the last year and continue on our determined path to get back "home"? Or should we do as we did when we decided to come here and put it all in Gods hands? I am thinking that instead of stressing out about it that I should just let it all go. That I should just take one day at a time and see where the path takes me.

So this is me putting it in Gods hands. I am handing over the reins now Lord. Something that I should have done to begin with. You lead us where you want us to go and we will follow, where ever that may be. I trust you and I know that you will give me peace regarding this situation! I thank you for blessing us SO much in the past year and for providing so many blessings to us! We ask that you continue to keep your arms wrapped around our family and keep us protected. We love and praise you! Amen.

{I just want to apologize if this post is completely confusing, all over the place, and makes no sense. I truly wrote it as I thought it. Thank you for taking the time to bounce around in my head for a little bit!)

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Surprise!!!!

As you can see we are expecting baby number 4! We are SO very excited!

We had our first ultra sound today. Daddy and Wywy were there to see the baby with me. They were so very excited! Wy kept saying that there were 2 babies in mommy's tummy and I have to say that he was starting to make me a little nervous. One is great but two??!! Thank God there is only one!

So why did we decide to add to our family of 5? Well, my cowboy has been asking for about a year now. He has been pretty persistent about it and I have been pretty adamant about standing my ground. Our youngest little cowboy is a handful! I can't count haw many times I have said that if he was our first he would have been our last. Definitely the most challenging of the three kids by far. But, like his brother and sister, he has a heart of gold and can be the sweetest little boy when he wants to be. So one night back in December my hubby and I were laying in bed talking and I mentioned that I had to decided what kind of birth control I wanted to do because it was coming up on three years and my Implanon was due to be removed. He started in on just having another baby and at first I dismissed it as usual. But laying there for awhile I started thinking of all the reasons we shouldn't and surprisingly all the reasons why we could. After giving it lots of thought, and tons of prayer I decided lets do it. My cowboy was beside himself with excitement and in January we had the implant removed.

During then and now I have had a change of heart about half a dozen times. Doubt creeps in and I start second guessing my decisions. The kids will be driving me crazy one day and I will throw my hands up and ask myself, "Am I gonna really add another one to this chaos??" I even had a day where I told Pookie that I couldn't do it. After we tried for a couple months with no success we decided that maybe we should wait until I was a little less hesitant. Then guess what..... it happens! :)

Seeing that little heartbeat today really hit home. I am gonna be a mommy again! I can honestly say that I am excited about the thought of having a little one in my arms again. Seeing how happy my husband is and how excited the kids are makes me feel confident that we have made the right decision. We also have amazing friends and family that are behind us 100% and thats awesome. What is more important then family and friends to share the love with?

Anyway, as of today the baby is 7 weeks 5 days. My official due date is December 29th. I will keep you all updated as time goes by through this blog. Thank you so very much for all of your support and well wishes. Each and every one of them make us feel special and loved. We feel so blessed!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Been a long time

Wow! It sure has been a long time since the last time I have wrote. Seems like I have just forgot about this little blog of mine. In reality, that's not that way at all. I have started a few different posts and have had tons of topic ideas it's just that I have failed to get them on here. Sometimes, my life is crazy and that my friend, has been the reason for my absence. Please forgive me and know that it is my intent to keep you updated at least a couple times a week. :)

So how has my life been in the last couple months or so? Hmmm, can we say roller coaster? Yep, roller coaster would definitely be one way to put it. Mostly just for me though. Some days are good, some not so much. I struggle with longing for home more then I would like to. Some days this struggle over takes me and I find it hard to think of anything else. Those are my low points on the roller coaster. I become very emotional and kind of grumpy. Unfortunately, since I don't have anyone else close to me here, My Cowboy gets the brunt of it all. In hindsight I feel bad. I know that there are times that he struggles just as much as I do and it's unfair that I throw our decisions in his face when I am having a bad day. We made this decision together, as a team. I need to learn how to take some responsibility for that decision even when I feel down and out about it.

On the other hand not everyday is bad. We have been staying busy with Boo and baseball. He is doing pretty good. It was a rough start for him since he has never played before but thankfully his coaches are awesome and he has improved SO much. He really likes it and we enjoy it because it gives us something to do. We have also met some really cool people so that is a plus. :)

Buggy and Wywy are doing good as well. Getting bigger and bigger as the days go by. Bug is doing well in school but looking forward to the summer. Wy is being his spunky little self. Such a handful and some days I don't think I can handle another minute of his crazyness. Then some days he is the best kid anyone can ask for! My life would be so boring with out them!

Well I have a huge list of things to do so I must stop writing now. It is my goal to keep you all updated at least a couple times a week so stay tuned! We also have some pretty exciting news to share in the next couple of days so if you wanna know be sure to follow! :) Thanks and God Bless!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Fireproof: Part 2

Let's pick up right where we left off shall we?! :)

Through out the years my Cowboy and I have had a lot of trust issues. As I said in my last post about 2 years into our relationship I made a pretty big mistake. I had been denying this to him whenever he would ask me about it. I am not sure why? Maybe I was afraid of losing him or of what he would do? Even after his few little "mistakes" I never told him the truth. Granted he never crossed the line like I did but it's all the same when it comes to being unfaithful to the one you love right? In the end the result is the same weather it's an emotional affair or a physical one. No matter if it lasted one night or 6 months, it still hurts. It still carries heavy trust issues in the relationship.

So why did I choose that night in April to finally admit to him what I had done? Why deny something for 11 years and then just spit it out one night? Because I just didn't care anymore! I think that's the main reason. Looking back on it from where I am now I think that I wanted to push him away. Maybe he would take it easier when I told him I wanted a divorce if he knew what I had done. Does that make sense? Let me tell you how mad I got when he simply said "I know. I have known the whole time but thanks for finally admitting it." Of course I was completely taken back by his calmness. It's totally not like my husband to react calmly to something like that. But I think he knew I was done. He knew that I had finally reached that breaking point and it was over. I wanted out!

I cried that night. Relief maybe, that it was finally going to be over or maybe is was because I had just gotten rid of the very heavy burden I had been carrying around for so many years. I don't know but it was the first time I cried for myself in a long time.

My Cowboy surprised me. He didn't scream or yell. He walked over to his side of the bed, sat down and asked if we could fix it. "No!!" was my answer! I didn't want to fix it!! I wanted to be free and alone and happy! I knew that it would kill the kids when they found out but I told myself that it was better then seeing all the fighting, hearing all the angry words.....right?

Not so fast says my Cowboy! He confessed all his wrong doings to me that night as well. I thought it would make me feel better, more justified for having an affair but I was just left with an even bigger feeling of guilt. We talked and he told me that he loved me. That he wanted to work it out and asked if we could seek counseling to fix us. I didn't want to. I just wanted him to leave. Just go away!!! I wanted to be alone so bad!! He promised to give me some space and he did. But after a couple days he came to me and begged me to give us another chance. A chance to fix things. He told me that he prayed about it. That he asked God for help. Something he hasn't done in awhile. Yeah, yeah, yeah I said. All stuff I had heard before. I was so cold, so uncaring. Little did I know the Lord was working on my husband and he was working hard!

My husband comes from a very strong pentecostal background. His grandfather was a very good preacher and his dad is a very talented organist. He knows God and when he is walking with Him, God tends to use him to help others. It's actually amazing to see your husband go out of his way to go to someones house and pray with then because God laid it on his heart to do so and then come to find out that this person (that you haven't talked to in years. Someone he was not even close to) was contemplating suicide just an hour before he arrived to pray with him! Anyways, that's a story to go into another time.

Where was I? Oh yes, so God was really working on my Cowboy and even through the desperate feelings of wanting to be alone to search for happiness I could see it. A few days after that horrible night he came to me and he asked me to please just try once more. He said that if we tried counseling and really gave it a shot at working it out and I still felt the same way he would walk away peacefully and give me the divorce I was seeking. OK, I could do that. After all I felt nothing, had been feeling nothing for awhile so what was a few more weeks dealing with it anyways? Ha! When I agreed to this I had no clue, could never have even guessed at how it would turn out. At that moment I bet the Lord smiled for his plan was set into motion. He was about to change my life forever!

I started going to church again with hopes of talking to our pastor about getting help. It only took 2 weeks for my husband to prove to me that he had truly changed. It only took one prayer from me for Jesus to tear down those walls I had built around my heart. Turns out God was working on me too! Oh what a wonderful day!!!

We dedicated our lives back to God on May 3rd. It was the best day of my life! I was still a little weary of things going back to the way they were before. It was my biggest fear! But with every obstacle we came to my Cowboy was there to show me that we could get through it! We started communicating more about our feelings. That was something we completely lacked before. It was amazing! It still is! :) I am still in awe of the person that he has become.

Just like in the movie Fireproof, we had to put God first. We each had to ask him to come back in to our lives and into our hearts before he could fix the things we broke by living in the world with out Him! How awesome is it that even when we turn our back on God and choose the worldly life over Him, He is still there ready to wrap His arms around us when we realize that we can't do it right with out Him? He is amazing and I can't praise Him enough!!! He changed our lives and He continues to do work in our hearts. We are still young in the Lord and we still trip up every once I awhile but now we know what life is like without Him. That is something that neither of us want to expierence again. We learn from our mistakes and we continue to look to Him for guidance! That's what Fathers do best. Guide their children through lifes ups and downs and make sure they learn from the downs.

We could have given up on each other. We could have let 13 years go like it was nothing but a drop in the bucket. But I thank God everyday that he gave my husband the strength to not let go. In turn He brought me out of a dark, lonely place and sat me upon a foundation of glory and good. He saved my family and my life!

Looking back on the memories of my past doesn't hurt anymore. It leaves me feeling thankful for what Jesus has done. It leaves me feeling proud that we weathered the storm. It makes me happy that I have someone very powerful at my side to pick me up and carry me when I feel like I can not take another step. Let the praise be to my Father, my Savior, my God!!! For with out him I am scared to know where we would have ended up!!!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Fireproof: Part 1

My Cowboy and I watched the movie Fireproof the other night! WOW!! To say was an amazing movie would be an understatement. A very good friend of mine says it's like it was written about her life. Although our situations were not exactly alike I can totally agree with her. It's like the writers took scenes from my life and used them. There are a few parts in the movie where I caught myself gripping my husbands hand while some of those, not so good memories came rushing back. It's hard to remember the bad things. The amazing thing is that he is still there for me to hold on to. We have survived that chapter of our life. That, in itself is a miracle and a blessing from God.

I think every couple goes through some rough patches. That's life right? Ups and downs on the roller coaster is a normal thing in every marriage. I think the important thing is how you choose to ride that roller coaster. During the "up" part things are usually all peachy. It's the "down" part that your really being tested. When things get bad how are you gonna handle them?

After 13 years of riding the same roller coaster I can tell you that I have learned a lot and I continue to learn more and more everyday. But the most important thing I have learned (just recently) is exactly what the father said in the movie. You MUST have a good foundation before you can build something strong. Before My cowboy and I decided to invite God back into our lives, our family, and, our hearts, we were headed to a very bad place.

Like I said there are so many parts of Fireproof we can relate to. The anger, the lack of trust, and the feeling of I don't care anymore were overwhelming! We would have our good days but more often we would have our bad. The screaming and yelling gets exhausting. Sometimes I didnt even know what we were fighting about. It would start out something very small and escalate into throwing harsh accusations and hurtful words at each other. After awhile I became numb to these words. That, for me was a dark and sad place to be in. That was also what ended up pushing me over the edge.

We were arguing about something stupid, I don't even remember what it was about and he had said something that normally would hurt. I winced and waited for the pain from his verbal knife to rush through me but it never happened. I felt nothing. The realization hit me like a rock. "Amber, you souls be used to this by now. Nothing hurts anymore." I snapped! I was so tired of not feeling anything!!!! No love, no hurt, no sadness or happiness! I felt absolutely nothing for my husband! I had become numb and cold. Even sex had turned into a hurry-up-and-do-what-you-gotta-do-so-I-can-go-on-with-my-day sort of thing. I used it as a way to control his moods. Typically we wouldn't fight afterward, at least for a few hours. It made me physically sick to my stomach. This was not normal and I hated it! I hated that I had let it get this far. I hated myself and I hated him!!

That night, April 5, 2010, I had decided that I was done! I wanted out and I was not about to spend another night laying next to this man that I didn't love anymore! I told him that. He didn't say much. Even when I confirmed his suspicions on me being unfaithful in the earlier part of our relationship, still I got nothing from him. It seems to me that I was not the only one that had become cold and numb.....

I will stop here to give you a break from reading my drama. I need to collect my thoughts as well. I didn't realize that writing this would bring it back with such vivid details. It leaves me feeling thankful to know how far the Lord has brought us since that night. I hope you stick around for part two. I promise I do have a point I am trying to make. :)

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Lazy Sunday

Today was such a good day! We woke up early even though we went to bed late! We were very determined to make it to church today. Life has seemed to be getting in the way lately and we have not been constant in our routine of going. This is something that has been really bothering me! How are we supposed to build our foundation if we let silly things keep us from church?

Besides Satan throwing his curve balls at us to try to keep us from going there has been another factor that has a hand in why we are dragging our feet on Sunday mornings. We have yet to find a church home here in Texas! I know I know it's crazy since every where you turn there is a church! Don't get me wrong we have visited many and even found a few that have potential but we have yet to find a church that gives us "that" feeling. Do you know what I mean? The feeling of being at home. That comfort feeling. Does that make sense? I am not sure if this is because we are comparing every place we visit to our former church, The Living Word Bible Church in Mesa, Az or if we just haven't found the one yet. I told Bub, my hubby, that we have to realize that we are just not gonna find exactly what we had at LW unless we go home, which is not an option right now. He says he doesn't like being "floaters" and just wants to find a place to belong. A place where we can grow in God. A place we can call our church home!

I believe God will lead us there I just pray it happens soon! Please keep us in mind when your praying friends. We can use all the prayers we can get. It's important that we be where God wants us to be and we are just asking for guidance and direction!

Anyways, after church this morning we had lunch and then came home to be lazy! Buggy, our 8 yr old daughter says "Lazy Sundays are my favorite." This is bitter sweet for me because while I know she loves spending these days together as a family I also know that she feels like something is missing. Grandma and Papa were a big part of their weekends when we were back home (AZ) and while we were at lunch this afternoon I could tell she was missing them. While praying for our meal she asked God to please bless them today which gave me the hint of what was on her mind. :( I hurt for her, for all if us really.

Being away from family stinks! Being alone is very hard. Especially when we were so intagrated into our family and friends lives. I think the biggest struggle has been not being able to be there and missing out on so many important things. I know that we are here in Texas fir a reason and although we may not know exactly what that reason is or what God has planned for our future I have to believe it is for the better. I have to stand on my faith and trust that He knows what He is doing in our lives. If and when God decides that we are done here and we have accomplished all we needed to I am confident he will show us the next step! We pray everyday that He sends us back to our family. With out family and friends and the support they give us what do you have? Who do you have to lean on when you know nobody? God!! Maybe his plan is for us to realize that we need to put him first!! In every part of our lives. No holding back at all. Maybe the only way we could do that is to be here, seemingly alone. Hmmmm definitely something to ponder upon and pray about.

Sorry I had no intentions on babbling on like that. That last part I just kinda stumbled upon as I was writing. Didn't mean to bore ya but hey it's my life and if you know me you know that it's very random. :) thanks for reading. Until next time, love and prayers!!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

So excited

Woo hoo! I am so excited that this is working! My laptop is currently in California somewhere getting repaired so I haven't been able to access the Internet unless it is from my Ipod. I was so surprised that it allowed me to sign on!! Yay I can write now!

I have SO much going through my head and I want to just let me fingers type like crazy but I am afraid it would come out nothing but jumbled nonsense. I do have a couple of posts that are brewing on paper and I can't wait to share. So much has been happening lately, so many emotions that we all have been going through. Oh I have so much to share!! I promise a detailed post tomorrow!!!

I want to thank my best friend (and only follower right now lmbo) for all the hard work she has put into the page to make it as beautiful as it is! I love it and I love you Lynds! <3

Anyways, bear with me while I get this blog up and rolling! Soon, very soon! :)

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