Friday, January 28, 2011

Fireproof: Part 2

Let's pick up right where we left off shall we?! :)

Through out the years my Cowboy and I have had a lot of trust issues. As I said in my last post about 2 years into our relationship I made a pretty big mistake. I had been denying this to him whenever he would ask me about it. I am not sure why? Maybe I was afraid of losing him or of what he would do? Even after his few little "mistakes" I never told him the truth. Granted he never crossed the line like I did but it's all the same when it comes to being unfaithful to the one you love right? In the end the result is the same weather it's an emotional affair or a physical one. No matter if it lasted one night or 6 months, it still hurts. It still carries heavy trust issues in the relationship.

So why did I choose that night in April to finally admit to him what I had done? Why deny something for 11 years and then just spit it out one night? Because I just didn't care anymore! I think that's the main reason. Looking back on it from where I am now I think that I wanted to push him away. Maybe he would take it easier when I told him I wanted a divorce if he knew what I had done. Does that make sense? Let me tell you how mad I got when he simply said "I know. I have known the whole time but thanks for finally admitting it." Of course I was completely taken back by his calmness. It's totally not like my husband to react calmly to something like that. But I think he knew I was done. He knew that I had finally reached that breaking point and it was over. I wanted out!

I cried that night. Relief maybe, that it was finally going to be over or maybe is was because I had just gotten rid of the very heavy burden I had been carrying around for so many years. I don't know but it was the first time I cried for myself in a long time.

My Cowboy surprised me. He didn't scream or yell. He walked over to his side of the bed, sat down and asked if we could fix it. "No!!" was my answer! I didn't want to fix it!! I wanted to be free and alone and happy! I knew that it would kill the kids when they found out but I told myself that it was better then seeing all the fighting, hearing all the angry words.....right?

Not so fast says my Cowboy! He confessed all his wrong doings to me that night as well. I thought it would make me feel better, more justified for having an affair but I was just left with an even bigger feeling of guilt. We talked and he told me that he loved me. That he wanted to work it out and asked if we could seek counseling to fix us. I didn't want to. I just wanted him to leave. Just go away!!! I wanted to be alone so bad!! He promised to give me some space and he did. But after a couple days he came to me and begged me to give us another chance. A chance to fix things. He told me that he prayed about it. That he asked God for help. Something he hasn't done in awhile. Yeah, yeah, yeah I said. All stuff I had heard before. I was so cold, so uncaring. Little did I know the Lord was working on my husband and he was working hard!

My husband comes from a very strong pentecostal background. His grandfather was a very good preacher and his dad is a very talented organist. He knows God and when he is walking with Him, God tends to use him to help others. It's actually amazing to see your husband go out of his way to go to someones house and pray with then because God laid it on his heart to do so and then come to find out that this person (that you haven't talked to in years. Someone he was not even close to) was contemplating suicide just an hour before he arrived to pray with him! Anyways, that's a story to go into another time.

Where was I? Oh yes, so God was really working on my Cowboy and even through the desperate feelings of wanting to be alone to search for happiness I could see it. A few days after that horrible night he came to me and he asked me to please just try once more. He said that if we tried counseling and really gave it a shot at working it out and I still felt the same way he would walk away peacefully and give me the divorce I was seeking. OK, I could do that. After all I felt nothing, had been feeling nothing for awhile so what was a few more weeks dealing with it anyways? Ha! When I agreed to this I had no clue, could never have even guessed at how it would turn out. At that moment I bet the Lord smiled for his plan was set into motion. He was about to change my life forever!

I started going to church again with hopes of talking to our pastor about getting help. It only took 2 weeks for my husband to prove to me that he had truly changed. It only took one prayer from me for Jesus to tear down those walls I had built around my heart. Turns out God was working on me too! Oh what a wonderful day!!!

We dedicated our lives back to God on May 3rd. It was the best day of my life! I was still a little weary of things going back to the way they were before. It was my biggest fear! But with every obstacle we came to my Cowboy was there to show me that we could get through it! We started communicating more about our feelings. That was something we completely lacked before. It was amazing! It still is! :) I am still in awe of the person that he has become.

Just like in the movie Fireproof, we had to put God first. We each had to ask him to come back in to our lives and into our hearts before he could fix the things we broke by living in the world with out Him! How awesome is it that even when we turn our back on God and choose the worldly life over Him, He is still there ready to wrap His arms around us when we realize that we can't do it right with out Him? He is amazing and I can't praise Him enough!!! He changed our lives and He continues to do work in our hearts. We are still young in the Lord and we still trip up every once I awhile but now we know what life is like without Him. That is something that neither of us want to expierence again. We learn from our mistakes and we continue to look to Him for guidance! That's what Fathers do best. Guide their children through lifes ups and downs and make sure they learn from the downs.

We could have given up on each other. We could have let 13 years go like it was nothing but a drop in the bucket. But I thank God everyday that he gave my husband the strength to not let go. In turn He brought me out of a dark, lonely place and sat me upon a foundation of glory and good. He saved my family and my life!

Looking back on the memories of my past doesn't hurt anymore. It leaves me feeling thankful for what Jesus has done. It leaves me feeling proud that we weathered the storm. It makes me happy that I have someone very powerful at my side to pick me up and carry me when I feel like I can not take another step. Let the praise be to my Father, my Savior, my God!!! For with out him I am scared to know where we would have ended up!!!

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