Hold Me Tight

It's quiet. 

I do my best thinking when it's quiet. 

Right now I am thinking how clostrophobic I am feeling. I am currently squished in between my husband, who insists that he is unable to sleep unless we are spooning and he is as close to me as possible (the man is a heater and I am dying), and my littlest guy, who is adamant that he must sleep next to me because he is afraid of heights. I have no idea what heights has to do with anything but he is two and a half and he is afraid so he needs to be held close. 

I want to scream because I don't do well in small spaces. It's hot. I can't breathe. Could either one of them get ANY closer?! Seriously!!

And right smack dab in the middle of what is sure to be a huge panic attack I hear a little whisper...

"Hold me tight momma." Yep, this is bad. 

"Mommy is holding you tight Waylon" I have my hand draped over him and he is as close to me as possible. 

"No you not, hold me TIGHT.....please hold me tight." Instinctively, I wrap my hand tightly underneath him and pull him against me. 

"Yeah, like that mommy!" Just like that his little world is right again. 

Just like that I can't breathe again. Not because I feel confined or clostrophobic but because my heart is overflowing with emotion. (And so are my eyes) He feels safe. In my arms he feels content and comfortable and nothing else matters. Something so little can have such an impact on him. He trusts me. He has faith that I will take care of him. 

Sometimes I need that security too and I get frustrated when I can't find it. I try to explain it to my husband or my close friends/family and for some reason I just can't find the words to help them understand what I need to make me feel secure, safe. Sometimes I just don't have the faith or trust in them to be able to do the job. 

Sometimes it's like that with my relationship with God too. Unfortunately, I have been guilty of not trusting Him to do the work that needs to be done in my life. Especially lately. I get on this kick where I think I can do it on my own. I think I can figure it out because I know what's best for me and my situations and because I tend to be stubborn. 

I am wrong. I can't do it alone. I don't have it all figured out. I will NEVER have it all figured out. I don't know what is best for me, no matter how much I try to tell myself I do. What has really happened is I have let satan take a hold of my weaknesses and use them against me. I have let my faith in God waiver. I have not trusted His plan for my life. Every single time I do this I am always left thinking 'why didn't I just do it your way God? It would have saved me a lot of trouble'.

You see friends, I have learned that it is not about finding someone who understands me, who can help me through whatever it is I am going through. It's about realizing that I already have Him. All I have to do is turn to Him and whisper "Father, hold me tight." and have faith that He will take care of me.

And He will. He does. 

My Struggle, His Victory

It's been one of those days!!

You know those days where getting up and going to work at an actual 9-5 job looks like heaven! 

Ugh! I loath days like today!!

Don't get me wrong. I love my children. I love being able to stay at home with them and watch them grow. I love being the one that the come to when they want to build a fort using every blanket I just washed and all the cushions from the couch, which reminds me that I need to vacuum all the junk that's hiding in there. I love playing cars with the boys or painting nails with my girl. I love being the one that kisses their owies and makes it all better. But as most of you stay at home moms know our job is anything but easy!!

My wonderful, but verbally challenged husband, asked the no-no question tonight. That one question that gets us all worked up! "What did you do all day!"

REALLY??!!??!! 

I don't know why but this question always bothers me! Granted, my house needs to be picked up and the floors are in desperate need to moping but seriously! Do you actually think I just hang out and party all day?! I wish!!! 

My day consists of coffee, lots of coffee (because none of us would make it through with out it), cooking, picking up toys, baths, chasing kids, refereeing fights, running errands, running kids everywhere, time outs, screaming kids (and mommy too), church..... It's never ending!  During the school year we have baseball/softball practice, homework (or better known as battle of willpower that usually ends in tears) and all the fun activities that come with school. This year I am SO lucky (yes that is sarcasm you are detecting) to have a child in every rank of school there is. High School for Colten, Katie is starting Middle school, Caden is left in Elementary and Waylon wil be home with me doing Pre-K. You name it, I probably do it.

Yes, there are days that I say forget it all and NOTHING gets done. Lately that seems to be happening more and more. I don't have the energy and sometimes I just don't care. I think I am in a slump and I think satan is trying his hardest to keep me there. I think he is testing my relationships, with God as well as those closest to me, to try to take away everything good and make me feel like I have nothing or no one to turn to. Well I have news! I am a fighter and it may take me a minute or two to figure out what is going on but now that I have you can bet that I am not just going to allow myself to just succumb to the dark sad world of feeling overwhelmed and defeated. I will not!

A couple of weeks ago a friend told mine to read the book of Ephesians, really dig into it and read it. I am so thankful that I didn't just blow it off like I have been doing with everything else lately. I have gotten so much from just jumping in and reading, especially when I didn't want to. Probably the verses that hit me that hardest are Ephesians 5:8-13:

 ⁸ For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light ⁹ (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) ¹⁰ and find out what pleases the Lord. ¹¹ Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. ¹² It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. ¹³ But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.

So I will do as it says and I will live as a child of light. I will love this place and time that God has for my life and I will do so with out questioning His plan His timing for my life. I will try harder at having faith in what I believe and not letting doubts creep in. Most importantly, when I feel like life is pulling me under I will reach out and ask for help and seek answers from my Bible because when all else fails God is one thing I can always count on!

 

I Need To Write

As I sit here, ignoring all my other responsibilities for the moment, consumed with making the vision in my head of how this blog is supposed to look come to life one thing keeps slamming into my head. 

You need to write.

I ignore it, as I have for the last 5 months, but it's more consistent these last few days. 

You need to write. 

So many excuses fill my mind. Too busy. The kids are screaming. I can't think. I am thinking too much. I am tired. No one really cares what you have to say!

You need to write. 

 I know! Trust me I know. But I can't. 

No, really, I can't. 

When I start it all just comes out as a huge jumbled mess and it's going in 15 different ways and it doesn't make any sense whatsoever. So what's the point? 

Last night I finally figured out what the point was. I had logged on to admire the work that my awesome, very talented, and a little geeky but very loved friend did on here and some how ended up reading some of my past posts and a lot of the drafts that have been started but discarded sometime in the last 5 months.

 WOW!! Let's talk about emotion! Those words on the screen, my words, so raw and real, just left abandoned. 

I need to write!

 I need that release that I get from writing all of it down. I miss that and I miss sharing it with anyone who cares enough to read it. I love going back and reading my words and feeling exactly how I felt at that exact moment! I love seeing the growth in myself from month to month and year to year. I love the memories! But most importantly I miss knowing that, should the day come that I am no longer here, my children will have documentation of who I really was.

So because of all of that.... I am going to write! 

I Want My Joy Back

It has been quite sometime since I have sat down and pounded out words for this little space of mine. Too long. I miss it. I miss the release I get from just letting mindless, probably mostly nonsense, thoughts flow from my mind to the keyboard in front of me. I get great joy from writing but it is something I rarely do anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I still journal. I will always journal. Even if it is just a sentence of two that only makes sense to me. It is something I have done since I was a kid and will most likely be something I will do forever. Ha, it's more for my own sanity than anything else. You see I am not capable of keeping all that crap in my head for very long and MUST get it out or I swear my head will explode. But, like I said, writing is different than journaling. (is that a real word?)

Writing makes me happy. Sharing fun stories of my family or triumphs over recent tribulations or the way a song makes me feel brings me joy. Unfortunately, like many other things lately, it seems like I just don't take the time to do it.

Why you ask? Good question! So good that I don't even have the answer for it.

Why does it seem that life gets so complicated, so stressful and overwhelming, that we fail to make time to do the things that bring us joy? Since when did it become normal to overlook the little things that truly matter? Since when did the normal start consisting of mom yelling and having no patience whatsoever instead of taking the time to relish in the lives of her children?

Since when did I become this negative, totally stressed out, unhappy, and sometimes emotionally unstable person that has pushed herself to the brink??? And for what? What is the point of it? Is this really the mom I want my kids to remember 10 years from now? No!! It really is not! It wont be!

 I am going to find my joy again. I am proclaiming it right here and now! I am going to bring it back and I am not going to let it go! I am not sure how but God will show me the way. This is one thing I do know.






***Every week a lovely group of ladies get together and write unedited for five minutes on a given topic. To join in, hop on over to Lisa-Jo Baker's website and check out more info on Five Minute Friday.***

Losing

So I have been trying to get "lost" in worship music lately in hopes of clearing my head of all the junk that satan seems to want to keep attacking it with. I have been trying to focus on Him and what better way to do that then to submerge myself in worship and praise for Him. 

On my way to drop my oldest off at school on Thursday morning a song on the radio caught my attention but I was only able to remember a few words. I quickly saved them in a memo on my phone with the intention of looking them up when I got home. Things got crazy and, like most things, it was forgotten about. Yesterday I went to add yet another memo (I must write everything down or I forget..haha) and there are the lyrics. I quickly did a Youtube search and this song popped up. Listen to it, soak it up, and wrap your mind around what they are saying.

               
I can't believe what she said
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong
Don't they know it's wrong
Well maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love or this is hate
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father wont You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Well it's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times
'Cause Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done

This is love or this is hate
We gotta a choice to make

Oh Father won't You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Why do we think that our hate's gonna break a hard heart
We're rippin' arms over wars that don't need to be fought
'Cause pride wont let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but it's just to burn them down
We think our pain is own apologies and get them to stop
Well truth be told it doesn't matter if their sorry or not
'Cause freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of Your mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down

Oh Father wont you forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losing

Oh Father wont you forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losing

Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'




I can't believe I have never heard it before!! The words, the message of this song, speaks so loudly to me. There are a few people/situations in my life that this could be directly aimed at and those were the first things that popped into my head. However, after listening to this song for the umpteenth time I was hit with yet another realization. (Yep, that's how God works my friends!) Not only could this song be about ME letting go and forgiving others for the hurt and pain they have caused in my life but it could also be about OTHERS letting go and forgiving me as well. I was quickly, and almost harshly, reminded that my slate isn't sparkly and clean. I am a sinner and I am positive that I have caused pain and/or hurt to many through my actions or my words at one point in time or another. It's not something I am proud of or that I would ever boast about but it's truth, nonetheless.

I am not saying that it is easy. We are human beings. We tend to have a hard time forgiving and forgetting. I am the worst at this! While it is easy for me to say "I forgive you" and feel like I truly mean it, I find that often times it's a lie. You see I have a hard time with the forgetting part. (Please tell me I am not the only one!) It's hard to look at someone who has hurt you and just completely let it go because we have the fear of being hurt again. Right?! But LOOK at this verse in the song: 

Cause Lord it doesn't feel right 
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done


Are you kidding me?! The power in those words are almost overwhelming to me! I think about all He has done for me, all that He has forgiven me of, ALL THE PAIN HE HAD TO ENDURE ON THE CROSS FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US TO BE FORGIVEN OF OUR SINS AND HAVE ETERNAL LIFE, and I am in awe! How can I selfishly hold on to all of the bad things that have happened to me (or that I have done) when Jesus has already, unselfishly, paid the ultimate price for them?  My petty issues pale in comparison and by holding on to them I am the one losing!

I decided to do a quick search on what the bible has to say about forgiveness (unfortunately I am not as bible savvy as I would like to be and I am unable to know off the top of my head exactly where to go to find what I need in a time like this. I am working on that but for now a quick google search did the trick) and came across Matthew 6:14- For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Let's just stop and think of what that means for a minute. By not forgiving ourselves and others we are not only losing out on our freedom of peace but we are also, in other words, denying God the ability to forgive us. Whoa!! That puts a whole new spin on losing. Do we really want to lose out on all God has to offer us because we are too focused on the past? Too stubborn to let go of all that hurt and pain?

That alone is enough to have me evaluating my situations and seeking ways to forgive and let go for good. I don't want to let all that junk stand in the way of receiving all the greatness that God has in store for me. Do you?