Fireproof: Part 2

Let's pick up right where we left off shall we?! :)

Through out the years my Cowboy and I have had a lot of trust issues. As I said in my last post about 2 years into our relationship I made a pretty big mistake. I had been denying this to him whenever he would ask me about it. I am not sure why? Maybe I was afraid of losing him or of what he would do? Even after his few little "mistakes" I never told him the truth. Granted he never crossed the line like I did but it's all the same when it comes to being unfaithful to the one you love right? In the end the result is the same weather it's an emotional affair or a physical one. No matter if it lasted one night or 6 months, it still hurts. It still carries heavy trust issues in the relationship.

So why did I choose that night in April to finally admit to him what I had done? Why deny something for 11 years and then just spit it out one night? Because I just didn't care anymore! I think that's the main reason. Looking back on it from where I am now I think that I wanted to push him away. Maybe he would take it easier when I told him I wanted a divorce if he knew what I had done. Does that make sense? Let me tell you how mad I got when he simply said "I know. I have known the whole time but thanks for finally admitting it." Of course I was completely taken back by his calmness. It's totally not like my husband to react calmly to something like that. But I think he knew I was done. He knew that I had finally reached that breaking point and it was over. I wanted out!

I cried that night. Relief maybe, that it was finally going to be over or maybe is was because I had just gotten rid of the very heavy burden I had been carrying around for so many years. I don't know but it was the first time I cried for myself in a long time.

My Cowboy surprised me. He didn't scream or yell. He walked over to his side of the bed, sat down and asked if we could fix it. "No!!" was my answer! I didn't want to fix it!! I wanted to be free and alone and happy! I knew that it would kill the kids when they found out but I told myself that it was better then seeing all the fighting, hearing all the angry words.....right?

Not so fast says my Cowboy! He confessed all his wrong doings to me that night as well. I thought it would make me feel better, more justified for having an affair but I was just left with an even bigger feeling of guilt. We talked and he told me that he loved me. That he wanted to work it out and asked if we could seek counseling to fix us. I didn't want to. I just wanted him to leave. Just go away!!! I wanted to be alone so bad!! He promised to give me some space and he did. But after a couple days he came to me and begged me to give us another chance. A chance to fix things. He told me that he prayed about it. That he asked God for help. Something he hasn't done in awhile. Yeah, yeah, yeah I said. All stuff I had heard before. I was so cold, so uncaring. Little did I know the Lord was working on my husband and he was working hard!

My husband comes from a very strong pentecostal background. His grandfather was a very good preacher and his dad is a very talented organist. He knows God and when he is walking with Him, God tends to use him to help others. It's actually amazing to see your husband go out of his way to go to someones house and pray with then because God laid it on his heart to do so and then come to find out that this person (that you haven't talked to in years. Someone he was not even close to) was contemplating suicide just an hour before he arrived to pray with him! Anyways, that's a story to go into another time.

Where was I? Oh yes, so God was really working on my Cowboy and even through the desperate feelings of wanting to be alone to search for happiness I could see it. A few days after that horrible night he came to me and he asked me to please just try once more. He said that if we tried counseling and really gave it a shot at working it out and I still felt the same way he would walk away peacefully and give me the divorce I was seeking. OK, I could do that. After all I felt nothing, had been feeling nothing for awhile so what was a few more weeks dealing with it anyways? Ha! When I agreed to this I had no clue, could never have even guessed at how it would turn out. At that moment I bet the Lord smiled for his plan was set into motion. He was about to change my life forever!

I started going to church again with hopes of talking to our pastor about getting help. It only took 2 weeks for my husband to prove to me that he had truly changed. It only took one prayer from me for Jesus to tear down those walls I had built around my heart. Turns out God was working on me too! Oh what a wonderful day!!!

We dedicated our lives back to God on May 3rd. It was the best day of my life! I was still a little weary of things going back to the way they were before. It was my biggest fear! But with every obstacle we came to my Cowboy was there to show me that we could get through it! We started communicating more about our feelings. That was something we completely lacked before. It was amazing! It still is! :) I am still in awe of the person that he has become.

Just like in the movie Fireproof, we had to put God first. We each had to ask him to come back in to our lives and into our hearts before he could fix the things we broke by living in the world with out Him! How awesome is it that even when we turn our back on God and choose the worldly life over Him, He is still there ready to wrap His arms around us when we realize that we can't do it right with out Him? He is amazing and I can't praise Him enough!!! He changed our lives and He continues to do work in our hearts. We are still young in the Lord and we still trip up every once I awhile but now we know what life is like without Him. That is something that neither of us want to expierence again. We learn from our mistakes and we continue to look to Him for guidance! That's what Fathers do best. Guide their children through lifes ups and downs and make sure they learn from the downs.

We could have given up on each other. We could have let 13 years go like it was nothing but a drop in the bucket. But I thank God everyday that he gave my husband the strength to not let go. In turn He brought me out of a dark, lonely place and sat me upon a foundation of glory and good. He saved my family and my life!

Looking back on the memories of my past doesn't hurt anymore. It leaves me feeling thankful for what Jesus has done. It leaves me feeling proud that we weathered the storm. It makes me happy that I have someone very powerful at my side to pick me up and carry me when I feel like I can not take another step. Let the praise be to my Father, my Savior, my God!!! For with out him I am scared to know where we would have ended up!!!

Fireproof: Part 1

My Cowboy and I watched the movie Fireproof the other night! WOW!! To say was an amazing movie would be an understatement. A very good friend of mine says it's like it was written about her life. Although our situations were not exactly alike I can totally agree with her. It's like the writers took scenes from my life and used them. There are a few parts in the movie where I caught myself gripping my husbands hand while some of those, not so good memories came rushing back. It's hard to remember the bad things. The amazing thing is that he is still there for me to hold on to. We have survived that chapter of our life. That, in itself is a miracle and a blessing from God.


I think every couple goes through some rough patches. That's life right? Ups and downs on the roller coaster is a normal thing in every marriage. I think the important thing is how you choose to ride that roller coaster. During the "up" part things are usually all peachy. It's the "down" part that your really being tested. When things get bad how are you gonna handle them?


After 13 years of riding the same roller coaster I can tell you that I have learned a lot and I continue to learn more and more everyday. But the most important thing I have learned (just recently) is exactly what the father said in the movie. You MUST have a good foundation before you can build something strong. Before My cowboy and I decided to invite God back into our lives, our family, and, our hearts, we were headed to a very bad place.


Like I said there are so many parts of Fireproof we can relate to. The anger, the lack of trust, and the feeling of I don't care anymore were overwhelming! We would have our good days but more often we would have our bad. The screaming and yelling gets exhausting. Sometimes I didnt even know what we were fighting about. It would start out something very small and escalate into throwing harsh accusations and hurtful words at each other. After awhile I became numb to these words. That, for me was a dark and sad place to be in. That was also what ended up pushing me over the edge.


We were arguing about something stupid, I don't even remember what it was about and he had said something that normally would hurt. I winced and waited for the pain from his verbal knife to rush through me but it never happened. I felt nothing. The realization hit me like a rock. "Amber, you souls be used to this by now. Nothing hurts anymore." I snapped! I was so tired of not feeling anything!!!! No love, no hurt, no sadness or happiness! I felt absolutely nothing for my husband! I had become numb and cold. Even sex had turned into a hurry-up-and-do-what-you-gotta-do-so-I-can-go-on-with-my-day sort of thing. I used it as a way to control his moods. Typically we wouldn't fight afterward, at least for a few hours. It made me physically sick to my stomach. This was not normal and I hated it!  I hated that I had let it get this far. I hated myself and I hated him!!


That night, April 5, 2010, I had decided that I was done! I wanted out and I was not about to spend another night laying next to this man that I didn't love anymore! I told him that. He didn't say much. Even when I confirmed his suspicions on me being unfaithful in the earlier part of our relationship, still I got nothing from him. It seems to me that I was not the only one that had become cold and numb.....


I will stop here to give you a break from reading my drama. I need to collect my thoughts as well. I didn't realize that writing this would bring it back with such vivid details. It leaves me feeling thankful to know how far the Lord has brought us since that night. I hope you stick around for part two. I promise I do have a point I am trying to make.  :)

Lazy Sunday

Today was such a good day! We woke up early even though we went to bed late! We were very determined to make it to church today. Life has seemed to be getting in the way lately and we have not been constant in our routine of going. This is something that has been really bothering me! How are we supposed to build our foundation if we let silly things keep us from church?

Besides Satan throwing his curve balls at us to try to keep us from going there has been another factor that has a hand in why we are dragging our feet on Sunday mornings. We have yet to find a church home here in Texas! I know I know it's crazy since every where you turn there is a church! Don't get me wrong we have visited many and even found a few that have potential but we have yet to find a church that gives us "that" feeling. Do you know what I mean? The feeling of being at home. That comfort feeling. Does that make sense? I am not sure if this is because we are comparing every place we visit to our former church, The Living Word Bible Church in Mesa, Az or if we just haven't found the one yet. I told Bub, my hubby, that we have to realize that we are just not gonna find exactly what we had at LW unless we go home, which is not an option right now. He says he doesn't like being "floaters" and just wants to find a place to belong. A place where we can grow in God. A place we can call our church home!

I believe God will lead us there I just pray it happens soon! Please keep us in mind when your praying friends. We can use all the prayers we can get. It's important that we be where God wants us to be and we are just asking for guidance and direction!

Anyways, after church this morning we had lunch and then came home to be lazy! Buggy, our 8 yr old daughter says "Lazy Sundays are my favorite." This is bitter sweet for me because while I know she loves spending these days together as a family I also know that she feels like something is missing. Grandma and Papa were a big part of their weekends when we were back home (AZ) and while we were at lunch this afternoon I could tell she was missing them. While praying for our meal she asked God to please bless them today which gave me the hint of what was on her mind. :( I hurt for her, for all if us really.

Being away from family stinks! Being alone is very hard. Especially when we were so intagrated into our family and friends lives. I think the biggest struggle has been not being able to be there and missing out on so many important things. I know that we are here in Texas fir a reason and although we may not know exactly what that reason is or what God has planned for our future I have to believe it is for the better. I have to stand on my faith and trust that He knows what He is doing in our lives. If and when God decides that we are done here and we have accomplished all we needed to I am confident he will show us the next step! We pray everyday that He sends us back to our family. With out family and friends and the support they give us what do you have? Who do you have to lean on when you know nobody? God!! Maybe his plan is for us to realize that we need to put him first!! In every part of our lives. No holding back at all. Maybe the only way we could do that is to be here, seemingly alone. Hmmmm definitely something to ponder upon and pray about.

Sorry I had no intentions on babbling on like that. That last part I just kinda stumbled upon as I was writing. Didn't mean to bore ya but hey it's my life and if you know me you know that it's very random. :) thanks for reading. Until next time, love and prayers!!

So excited

Woo hoo! I am so excited that this is working! My laptop is currently in California somewhere getting repaired so I haven't been able to access the Internet unless it is from my Ipod. I was so surprised that it allowed me to sign on!! Yay I can write now!

I have SO much going through my head and I want to just let me fingers type like crazy but I am afraid it would come out nothing but jumbled nonsense. I do have a couple of posts that are brewing on paper and I can't wait to share. So much has been happening lately, so many emotions that we all have been going through. Oh I have so much to share!! I promise a detailed post tomorrow!!!

I want to thank my best friend (and only follower right now lmbo) for all the hard work she has put into the page to make it as beautiful as it is! I love it and I love you Lynds! <3

Anyways, bear with me while I get this blog up and rolling! Soon, very soon! :)