Thursday, August 4, 2016

My Struggle, Gods Glory

Why is it always in the still of the night, when my mind is running a million different directions, that I find myself coming here to my little quiet place?  When life gets hard and l need to sort out my thoughts I come here. It helps to word vomit every now and then right? 

So, a few days ago I was asked to write a prayer for my marriage. While writing my prayer I said something along the lines of, "you think after you give your life to Jesus it's all going to be peaches and cream...but it's not!" I have been reflecting on just how true that statement is more and more over the last week. 

Tonight, during a particularly hard moment of 'doing life' I once again found myself crying out to God "Why?" and again this thought crossed my mind. "I know you Lord, and I believe in you! Why is this happening? Why does it feel like every time something good happens and I take 2 steps forward, something bad happens and sends me 5 steps back?" It's so frustrating!! 

Let me just tell you friends, my life has been anything but easy lately. I'll spare you all the icky details and just say that the last year and a half has been rough. I have literally felt like I have been at war spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically! I have cried out WHY!? to God so much that I lost count months ago! 

Why does it seem like I am getting attacked in all different directions ALL THE TIME? Why does it feel like a constant battle with everything? On the outside things may look good but oh my goodness, it's a hot mess under the surface!! 

Just when I feel like I am about to throw in the towel and give up God gives me strength to continue on. Just when I am on the verge of waving that white flag God pulls me in and whispers words of encouragement in my ear. 

This back and forth has got me feeling like I am going insane! I just don't really understand it at all. And then BAM! Out of no where tonight it hits me. All of these little snippets of things around me come flooding into my mind and I finally get the answer I have asked for. 

It comes in the form of a scene from the movie Courageous where the pastor is telling the men that because they are taking a stand for God satan is going to push even harder. 

It comes from a quote from Priscilla Shirers' Armor of God study that I did a few months ago about fighting the unseen. 

It comes from one of my favorite worship songs that speaks of satan trying extra hard to destroy all that is good simply because we stand against him when we stand for God. 

I have been trying so hard to dig into my church. Not just attend but actually DIG IN. I have been teaching Sunday School with my daughter and we just got back from an AMAZING mission trip with our LIT/CSALTS in Missouri where I saw first hand God moving in such magnificent ways. (More of that to come in another post). I see my husband planting himself fully into our church (which is an answered prayer in itself) and getting closer to God. We are working so hard on communicating with each other better and trying to fix the issues we have. We are also trying so hard to stand proudly for God and our faith... And I honestly feel like that's why satan is trying so hard to knock us down!! Through anxiety, depression, anger and hurt, miscommunication and hurtful words/actions, satan has tried it all. 

I feel like God had HUGE plans for our family, all 6 of us, and satan is getting scared as we are moving forward with Gods plans so he tries everything  to hold us back. To derail us or distract us from what God has in store. At first that scared me. Are we strong enough to battle this? I feel weak and sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier thrown in the towel and lay down in defeat. But then I remember the sweetest of things. 

I don't have to fight this battle alone. I don't have to carry this weight all by myself. I just have to give it all over to the One who has already conquered it all. 

That is exactly what I am doing. I have turned it all over to God and am doing my best to step out of the way and let Him work. I am putting my armor on daily and I am doing the best I can. And let me just say that seeing His plan come together right in front of my face is better than anything in the world. It's so EXCITING to see what He is capable of doing if we just allow Him to work in and through us. I am so excited for what God has in store for my family and I. 

I was speaking to a sweet young lady a few weeks ago and she mentioned that she feels like the trials she is currently going through is just God writing her testimony. That really stuck with me. I may not see the battles that lay before me and I may accrue some bumps and bruises along the way but I feel deep in my heart that when this is all over I will have one heck of a testimony and God will get all the glory!