Faith, Friendship, Fun-Part 2

I am currently laying in a hotel room bed thinking that I was doing this exact same thing last Friday night. Only I was 1000 miles away and I was with one of my best friends and not my husband.

Anyways, back to last weekend and Women of Faith.

Ken Davis was only one of a few we listened to on Friday night. We heard awesome stories. Real true life things that have happened and how God has prevailed. I remember sitting there thinking 'This is what I need. This is what my heart has been craving!' As we left to head back to the hotel I had a lot on my mind.

Our car ride back did a good job of taking those thoughts away for awhile. I have never had so much fun or laughed so hard on a short ride like that in all of my life. Anyone who says God loving, church going women don't know how to have fun has obviously never been packed into a small SUV with 6 of them! It was a great way to wrap up the night.

Kim and I found ourselves back in our room pigging out on girl scout cookies, pop corn, beef jerky, and Dr Pepper all while watching some crazy scary movie and laughing. It was the best sleep over I have had since I was 10. There is just something about hanging out with your friends that feeds your soul and lifts your spirit. I totally needed that! I have told her that it meant so much to me but I don't think she gets just how much I truly mean it.

Saturday morning we had a great breakfast and then headed back to WOF. I was very excited for the day and for what God had in store for us.

We heard Angie Smith speak and her story was amazing and overwhelming at the same time. I admire her strength as well as anyone who has been in a similar situation. I don't think I would ever be strong enough to handle something like that and I pray I never have too. (For those of you that don't know her story, google her name)

There were other speakers as well as Selah who performed. It was AWESOME!! Although all the stories were different there was a general theme. This is what I got from it:

People are broken. Every single one of us, in some way, are broken. Whatever is going on in our lives can be fixed. It's ALL part of His plan for us. And most importantly, IT'S GOING TO BE OK!

This hit my heart like a jack hammer. For the last 3 months I have been focusing on the brokenness that has been surrounding me. I have let it eat at me and drag me down. I have succumbed to the fact that it will never be what I think it needs to be. But IT'S OKAY!! It's not supposed to be my way. It's not supposed to work out the way I have planned it to. It's not MY job to have control. I need to stop working against God and let Him take the lead. I need to pull my husband in toward me and not push him away out of anger of the situation. God has plans for our family and although it seems dark and broken now it won't be for long because He is my light! He is the master of fixing all things broken!!!

Going into this weekend I was focusing on spending some much needed girl time with my friend. I was excited about Women of Faith but never expected to get so much out of it! I never thought about how it would impact my life. But it did. It really truly did.

After WOF ended we headed back to Kim's house for a yummy fajita dinner. Those thoughts I had been trying to push to the back of my mind were creeping slowly up. It was getting harder to ignore the fact that my time with my friend and her family, people who have become an extended part of my own family, was coming to a end. As I was making sure I had everything and that it was all ready to go when I felt the dread of saying goodbye start to fill my heart. I hate goodbyes.

The ride to the airport was way to fast and before I knew it we were at the curb where I had to get out. My brain was screaming, "Get out and go quickly! DON'T CRY AMBER!" I quickly hugged Kim and got out. I had to open the back door to hug Kennedy and tell her goodbye. "Stay strong for her Amber! You have to stay strong!!" I didn't dare look back. I think I barely made it inside to the escalator before the tears came. I am sure the people at DFW thought I was a crazy woman as I checked in and got my boarding pass. I made my way to the bathroom to compose myself, with little luck. I finally found my gate and found a corner to hide in so I could be sort of away from the crowd.

My heart hurt. Everything inside me wanted to grab my bags and run back to Kim's car. I reminded myself several times "There is a plan! God knows what he is doing. Oh God help. I can't breathe! This is home. This is where we belong. Why is this happening?!"
I was angry. At Randy. At myself. At God. I couldn't see the plan. I STILL don't see the plan. But I have faith that somewhere in all of this mess there is going to be something good. Something that only God could create. There will be lessons learned and I will be a better person because of it. I have to remind myself of this several times a day. I still doubt. I am human and I am flawed but that doesn't matter. What is important is that I have that faith. I KNOW God has great things planned for our life. I will probably always struggle with this but amazingly our God is a patient God and He will help me through whatever is ahead of us.

Faith, Friendship, and Fun

This exact time one week ago I was on my way to the airport. I was so excited I couldn't think straight. I was on my way to Texas. Home! Oh my heart was overflowing with joy! Kim had an exciting weekend planned out for us with most of our time being spent at Women of Faith. I was most excited for the anticipated girl time that I knew was in store. Oh how I had missed my friend. What I got was something I never seen coming.

My plane landed in DFW at 4:50am on Friday morning. I was greeted by two of the most beautiful faces I have ever seen. They both had smiles from ear to ear and I literally felt my heart overflow with love for these two. Oh how I had missed their faces!! Hugs were passed out and then we headed to the car and when I stepped outside I caught the sweet smell of that amazing Texas air! Oh my goodness, I can't find words to describe how awesome that was.

On the way to Kims house I kept feeling these pangs of.... Ugh what's the word I am looking for?... Sadness? Sorrow? Longing. Yeah perhaps that's it. Longing. My heart kept screaming this is home!!! While my mind reminded me that it would be short lived.

Once we arrived at Kim's house I was greeted by her husband Mark who said, in a typical Mark fashion, "Uggg I have to see YOU before I go to work?!" haha He is such a nerd and I would expect nothing less from him. Once Kim snapped her fingers (haha inside joke!) and told him to go to work he left us in peace. We were all exhausted and decided to take a little nap.

3 hours later we got up and did what any normal girls would do. We got dressed and went to find us some grub! And oh boy did we ever! We went to Babes. I lived in Texas for 2 and a half years and I had never eaten there. Boy was I missing out!!! I was miserable by the time we finished.

We headed home so Kim could gather her stuff for our over night trip and then we headed to pick up Cayden from school. Kim went in and got him and when he came out and saw me he started giggling. His laugh warmed my heart. I really did miss that crazy little boy.

We headed off to the salon to get our nails done and while I was waiting for my turn I got to have an awesome conversation with Cayden! This kid has talent when it comes to making me feel less then adequate then it comes to thinking on his level. Many will assume that it's because he is only 6 and it  is hard to get on a level with a 6 yr old but it's the exact opposite. Cayden has a way of making you feel like your, for the lack of a better word, an idiot. Lol he is super smart and very witty! This is sort of off topic of where I want this post to go and I know it's gonna make me look stupid but I must share it to make my point. Here is just one of many of our conversations from that day:

Cayden says: "I went to the doctor and got a shot!"
Me: "Ouch!"
Him: "Yeah, I can climb walls! I just climb right up them like spider man."
Me: "Wow! Thats pretty cool. That shot must have given you a special power to be able to do that."
Him: (looking at me like I am an idiot) "NO! The shot was so I didn't get the flu!!" (DUH) Followed by a look of "REALLY??!!"

That was just one example of my time with Cayden. There is another incident that has to do with a 'fedora' but I'll leave that alone for now. (gotta save some of my dignity!)

While I was getting my nails done Kim took the kids home to Mark and when she came back we headed to find our hotel in Dallas. We were staying at the Hilton and it was so pretty! Once we got all checked in and freshened up we went down stairs to catch the shuttle over to American Airlines center for the first night of WOF. The shuttle ride was.... Eventful. Let's just say I am thankful to have gotten there in one piece.

Anyways, we got there and for checked in and found our seats. I was so excited!!! I had never been to a WOF event before and I didn't l ow what to expect. Cece Winans was there and did an amazing job. I love her songs and her voice is so powerful. Great worship part of the service.

Ken Davis was also there that night. His story was heartfelt, funny, uplifting, and just plain amazing! He is actually my favorite of the whole weekend. He made me laugh and cry and laugh again. Amazing man with an amazing story and he really touched my heart.

**** I need to stop here because my phone is going to die and my eyes are burning but I will pick this up tomorrow. Trust me, you will want to hear the second half. :-)

Remembering

Today is the 11th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks.

Today is a day that our country mourns the loss of 2977 men and women.

Today is the day that we send up extra prayers for the family's and loved ones that lost someone on that horrific day.

Today is a day for remembrance.

I remember that day very clearly as I am sure most people do. I was 17 years old. We were living with mom and dad in Mesa. Randy, Colten, and I were sleeping. I remember mom coming in an waking us up. She said we had to come look! I think it was the tone of her voice that had me jumping out of bed. It was a mixture of disbelief and panic. It take a lot to get mom worked up like that so immediately I was worried.

We gather around the tv and watch the reports come in. I don't think it really hit me what was going on or how bad it was until I saw the second plane hit! That's when the knots in my stomach tightened and I started feeling sick.

What IS going on?? Why is this happening!! It's not just an accident because that type of thing doesn't happen twice! Oh God what is going to happen now?

I remember just sitting there watching tv and waiting for someone to say "It's going to be ok!"

I remember feeling so sad for all those people that were there and for their families. I couldn't even imagine having someone I know and loved in those buildings and not knowing if they were ok.

When the first tower fell I cried. I felt sad but I also felt scared! SO very scared. What did all of this mean for us? I mean you see stuff like this happen in other countries and you don't really give a whole lot of thought to it. But THIS was here. This was close!! What would happen to four country now? The land of the free just became the land of the terrorized.

In the days following we saw a lot of unity. People coming forward to help strangers. People comforting other people. We were a country that had just taken a huge blow and we pulled together in support of each other. For a while the small everyday things didn't matter. We let the little stuff go. Our everyday gripes didn't seem very significant anymore.

We had UNITY!
We had COMPASSION.

Today as I was watching a news segment and one of the reporters pointed that very thing out. He said that every year on this anniversary you see it again. People coming together and showing support. People doing kind things just because. You see that unity. He also made a powerful suggestion that made me think. "If we treated each other like this the other 364 days a year this world would be a better place."

That is SO very true!!! Why is it that we can come together as a nation when things are tough but not in everyday life? Why is it that we can be caring and supportive only on a day that forces is to remember a horrible time for us? If we were like that all the time or even just half of the time this world would be a WAY better place to love in don't you think?

What's my point? I am not sure really. I just felt like putting this out there. I felt like the news reporter hit the nail on the head with what he said and it made me feel guilty for whining and complaining about stupid insignificant stuff on a daily basis when in reality it could be so much worse. It made me feel like I want to try to do my part to be that kind, caring, supportive, unselfish person more then just a couple times a year!

How did it make you feel? Do my words make sense or is it just a bunch of rambling thoughts? I would love to hear feedback. Even if it's just to tell me that you think I am crazy! :-)

Late Night Thoughts

Today was a good day! I say that with emphasis because sometimes I feel like the good days get lost in the shuffle and bustle of the crazy days. But really, today was a good day!!

I don't know if it was a spill-over from yesterday's festivities or if it was just a day where you have to look at life and just laugh. Throw the worries and the frustrations out the window and say, "today I CHOOSE to have a good day!" Either way, I'll take it!

Speaking of yesterday, man was it fun! We had my sister in law over with her husband and my adorable little niece Brianna. Who, by the way, looked stinking adorable...even if she was dressed in a Cowboys cheer outfit. Auntie is gonna hook her up though. I'll get her some Cardinals gear and she will be even more adorable, if that's even possible! It's so cute because she really doesn't know us super good yet but yesterday she let Uncle Bub hold her and blew him kisses. We won't mention that he had to bribe her with candy earlier in the day to even get her attention. Progress is still progress, none the less. I am determined to become her favorite though. It WILL happen! :-)

Anyways, back to our day! It was full of food, family, and football! What more could you ask for! My team won (of course lol) and I beat my husband in fantasy football! Talk about having your cake and eating it too! The guys took the kids to the park for some semi-competitive football games. It was fun to hear the stories of who beat who and who rules the kingdom of all things awesome because of some tricky football move. It made me smile!

Today was nothing really special but it just felt better. I felt like I had less stress hanging out on my shoulders and let me tell you, that is an amazing feeling.

Sometimes I feel like life is swallowing me up! I feel stressed out and frustrated and angry and just sad! I question our decisions on a daily basis wondering if we are doing what we are supposed to be doing. What God wants us to do. I become doubtful that we will ever crawl out of this hole that we have dug ourselves into and that makes me bitter. But when I feel like I can't take anymore, not one more second, God gives me a day like yesterday. A day of hope. A day where you can't help but focus on the positive. It's like He is saying, "I know things are not what YOU want right now Amber but I have a purpose for this time. I know what I am doing so stop looking at all the bad parts and praise me for what is good!"

So this is me praising Him for what He is doing in our lives! I don't know what it is! It totally stinks sometimes but I am CHOOSING to hold on to what is good. I am thankful for this time of tribulation because I know that I will learn something valuable from it! Everything WILL be ok and I will be stronger for having to go through this!

Thank you God for my family and my amazing friends. Thank you for all the blessings you are pouring over our family. Thank you for our health and happiness. Thank you for the love that we have. Thank you for showing me direction. Thank you for the lessons you are teaching me and thank you for never leaving my side during them. I praise, honor, and love you Lord! In your holy name, amen!

P.S. -Thanks for letting the Cardinals win yesterday! Those Cowboys fans would have NEVER let me live that one down!! ;-)

Quiet moments

As I sit here in the dark rocking my littlest cowboy, Waylon, I have realized something....

It's quiet. No tv, no screaming kids, no adults trying to talk over kids, no crying or fighting over a broken or stolen toy. Just pure quiet. Oh how I have missed that sound.

Things have been insanely crazy. Semi-controlled chaos. It makes me miss my sometimes lonely, sometimes too quiet, different type of crazy home back in Texas.

Yep I said it. I miss Texas!

Maybe it's because I had doubts coming out here. Or because things are not panning out the way they were supposed to. Maybe it is just because things are crazy right now. Or maybe, just maybe it's cause Texas is where we are supposed to be?

I know I know, total bomb shell but hear me out.

We prayed very hard on whether or not we were supposed to come back to AZ. (you know this from previous posts) While I had my hesitations I felt I was supposed to trust in my husband to make the decision for our family and support him 100%. I felt very strongly about this. He felt very strongly that our time was up in Texas and it was time to go home. (to AZ)

So if we are both feeling this then why after only 2 months do we both feel like this move was a HUGE mistake? Maybe this isn't what God wanted us to do. Maybe it's what WE wanted. Maybe it is Gods way of showing us that what we yearned for for two years really isn't what we wanted. Perhaps this was Gods way of showing us that we are not the people we were when we left here but this place hasn't changed like we have. Maybe we needed to see that and let it fall away so we could live happily with no doubts in Texas.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Maybe things will get better with time. I am not sure of what our future holds but I do know that I am tired of being stressed and worrying about it! I am tired of analyzing every option, or lack there of.

I surrender!!! White flag is waving. I am done! From now on I am going to give it all over to someone who already knows what's going to happen.

I do know that I have this ache in my heart for Texas. Much like the ache I had for Arizona. I want to go home. :-(
Unfortunately that is not an option for us right now. So we shall wait. Wait and see if things get better or if God gives us a way out.

Until we can figure out what God has in store for us I will continue to take it day by day. I will be thankful for what I have and make the best of the situation. I know that there is a lesson to be learned here and I know it will make us better by learning it.

For now I will be content with these quiet moments of peace and use them to give thanks for what God is doing in my life.