Questions that make you ask questions!

Today on our way to my oldest sons baseball game a conversation about the guy who said he knew when the last day of the world was, came up. Colten, my oldest said that the guy must feel pretty stupid for getting it wrong and my daughter agreed. Then she said that the new last day of the world is gonna happen in October. (I think my kids watch the news too much. Lol) Colten turns to me and asks my opinion. I tell him that the Lord says to beware of false prophets and that no one, not even Jesus, will know the day or time when God will come back. He seemed to accept that answer with out thinking twice but not Katie. After pondering on my words for a few minutes she speaks up and says, "Mom, are God and Jesus the same person?" Colten quickly responded saying no they are not the same person. Katie looks over at me patiently waiting for me to clear things up. I can't!!!!

This question has my mind scrambling to find the right way to explain this to them in a way that they understand. I come up empty!

Blank!
Zip!
Zilch!
Nodda!

I have no idea how to answer this very important question. Luckily, I was saved by the fact that we had arrived at our destination and they had become distracted with the excitement of the game but through out the day my mind kept coming back to this conversation. It was nagging at me and I couldn't shake it.

Why couldn't I answer such a simple question? How do you answer a question like that? Yes, no, kinda?? I think the fact that I didn't have the words and quite frankly the biblical knowledge to explain to my children that the answer is so much more complicated then just a simple yes or no bothered me a great deal. In turn that got me asking more questions.

Why don't you know Amber?
How are you supposed to teach your kids more about God and Jesus if you don't know yourself?
If not me then who will they learn from? If I am not teaching them right there is gonna be someone out there waiting to teach them wrong!

As you can tell my head was and still is spinning with all these questions and thoughts. While trying to decipher them a thought hit me. "You need the knowledge before you can teach the knowledge!" Well duh Amber!  It's obvious that I don't know as much as I thought I knew. Well why don't I? Another thought slams into me, "You learn by going to church, reading the bible, and worshiping the Lord!" All things that we have been slacking on. Yes we pray everyday but is that enough??

I think that what started as a simple little conversation between brother and sister was really Gods way of telling mommy that we have slipped a little too far away from where we are supposed to be! For awhile now we have been fighting to find a church that we could feel comfortable at. It has seemed like it's a losing battle. Yes, we have found some wonderful churches but none that have given us that "we are home" feeling. I think part of the reason is because we keep comparing every church to the church we left in AZ. We were comfortable there and we miss it. In the hassle of it all we have sort of let the whole issue get pushed to the back burner. News flash!! God does not belong on the back burner!! He made that point loud and clear to me today!

So once again we will continue our search for a church, but with an open heart and an open mind. I am confident that the Lord will lead us to where He wants us to be. Doesn't He always?

 One thing I know for sure is that I long to have that close relationship with God again. He feels too far away right now and it because of my own doings! I also know that when my children ask me a question I want to know the answer, or be able to know how to get that answer! After all, God gave them to me perfect and healthy. The least I can do is grow them up knowing Him!

How awesome is it that when God wants up to know something he finds a way to tell us?!! Loud and clear!!

Happy Anniversary.....Or Not??!!

Today marks the anniversary if a very big time in our lives. A time of change, uncertainty,  fear. Oh the emotions we went through when we made the decision to pack up everything we could fit into a U-haul and move 1000 miles away from everything we every really knew. They were overwhelming and sitting here reflecting on how I felt back then brings all those emotions to the surface.

It's very hard to to explain the reasons why we left Arizona. The main reason being because there was not work there but sometimes I question if that is the driving force behind what actually led us to take such a big leap away from home. Truth be told Randy and I needed a change. We were trying to change our life style and the way we did certain things and we both felt that the only way to do that was to get away from everything. We needed to come closer together as husband and wife and as a family of 5.We really just needed to spread our wings and fly a little.

It was not an easy decision to make. We had to think about the kids and about how our decisions would effect them. Colten had just started spreading his own little wings and expanding his social circle. All three of them had friends and family that they had been around their whole life. It was not an easy decision and it took many nights of prayer for us to decide what we were going to do. I truly believe that if it were not for God and for the comfort He put in my heart about the whole situation I would have not been strong enough to get in that truck and say goodbye to everyone I love.

It has been SUCH a struggle! We have ran into a few obstacles while we have been here but no one ever said it was going to be easy. Things are finally panning out and it seems hopeful that we are gonna be ok. Financially we are doing much better. The kids are settling in perfectly and the schools are AMAZING out here. I have met a couple of friends that are pretty cool. Randy LOVES his job. So what's the problem? ME! I am the problem! I have this longing for home. For comfort, for family, for friends, for the familiarity. I miss Arizona, plain and simple! Some days I am great. I feel positive and happy and I love it here. Other days I struggle to fight back the urge to throw what I can fit in my car and hit the road and not stop driving until I see my mountain. This war that is taking place inside me is SO exhausting. Up, down, up, down. (BTW, being pregnant is not helping much!) So how do I fix it?

While having a conversation about this with my best friend a few weeks back she kind of slapped me in the face with a little dose of reality. She was in a similar situation just a few years ago where she left AZ for better opportunities.  She knows the struggles I am going through so well it's scary. Some days she can even explain what is going on in my head better then I can. Yet, she is completely the opposite when it comes to wanting to ever go back home. I asked her why she though it was different for me and with her answer came the slap I was talking about. "Because you have the mindset that Texas is temporary and that it's not about making a life there permanently but  more about just waiting until you can get back to AZ!" Ouch! The truth hurts sometimes, even when it is delivered by someone you love. What got me even more is after pondering her words I realized that this whole time, from day one, that is how I have been thinking. When this journey started for me I thought, well if we fail we can just go home. It has since turned into, well ok we are doing good so now we need wait for an opening with Randy's company so we can go home. My goal has always been on finding a way back to Arizona, one way or another. WHY?? I wanted so badly to get away for there. From the situations that faced us there. I wanted change so bad so why have I been trying to run back to what I so badly wanted to run away from? Why have I never really given Texas a chance. Are the mixed feelings I am having my conscience fighting with my head that I should at least TRY to make it here? (Does that make sense or am I just rambling gibberish?)

I guess my answer lies in what I have gotten out of this experience. In doing this Randy and I have changed SO much. Our kids have changed SO much. We have indeed grown closer as a family. I have learned to have more patience. (Although my kids continue to test that every chance they get) We have learned that the most important thing is that we are all together. Being close as a family is the most important thing ever! And sadly, that is the piece that seems to be missing. The very thing we strive for is the thing that is pulling us back to Arizona. Our family. Yes we have this wonderful little unit of ours here. Yes we are all closer then we have ever been before. But at the same time we are missing out on our family that is 1000 miles away. A family that loves and supports us. A family that we miss SO much.

So there lies my problem friends. Is it possible to hold on the everything we have gained in the last year and continue on our determined path to get back "home"? Or should we do as we did when we decided to come here and put it all in Gods hands? I am thinking that instead of stressing out about it that I should just let it all go. That I should just take one day at a time and see where the path takes me.

So this is me putting it in Gods hands. I am handing over the reins now Lord. Something that I should have done to begin with. You lead us where you want us to go and we will follow, where ever that may be. I trust you and I know that you will give me peace regarding this situation! I thank you for blessing us SO much in the past year and for providing so many blessings to us! We ask that you continue to keep your arms wrapped around our family and keep us protected. We love and praise you! Amen.

{I just want to apologize if this post is completely confusing, all over the place, and makes no sense. I truly wrote it as I thought it. Thank you for taking the time to bounce around in my head for a little bit!)

Surprise!!!!

As you can see we are expecting baby number 4! We are SO very excited! 

We had our first ultra sound today. Daddy and Wywy were there to see the baby with me. They were so very excited! Wy kept saying that there were 2 babies in mommy's  tummy and I have to say that he was starting to make me a little nervous. One is great but two??!! Thank God there is only one! 

So why did we decide to add to our family of 5? Well, my cowboy has been asking for about a year now. He has been pretty persistent about it and I have been pretty adamant about standing my ground. Our youngest little cowboy is a handful! I can't count haw many times I have said that if he was our first he would have been our last. Definitely the most challenging of the three kids by far. But, like his brother and sister, he has a heart of gold and can be the sweetest little boy when he wants to be. So one night back in December my hubby and I were laying in bed talking and I mentioned that I  had to decided what kind of birth control I wanted to do because it was coming up on three years and my Implanon was due to be removed. He started in on just having another baby and at first I dismissed it as usual. But laying there for awhile I started thinking of all the reasons we shouldn't and surprisingly all the reasons why we could. After giving it lots of thought, and tons of prayer I decided lets do it. My cowboy was beside himself with excitement and in January we had the implant removed. 

During then and now I have had a change of heart about half a dozen times. Doubt creeps in and I start second guessing my decisions. The kids will be driving me crazy one day and I will throw my hands up and ask myself, "Am I gonna really add another one to this chaos??" I even had a day where I told Pookie that I couldn't do it. After we tried for a couple months with no success we decided that maybe we should wait until I was a little less hesitant. Then guess what..... it happens! :) 

Seeing that little heartbeat today really hit home. I am gonna be a mommy again! I can honestly say that I am excited about the thought of having a little one in my arms again. Seeing how happy my husband is and how excited the kids are makes me feel confident that we have made the right decision. We also have amazing friends and family that are behind us 100% and thats awesome. What is more important then family and friends to share the love with? 

Anyway, as of today the baby is 7 weeks 5 days. My official due date is December 29th. I will keep you all updated as time goes by through this blog. Thank you so very much for all of your support and well wishes. Each and every one of them make us feel special and loved. We feel so blessed!

Been a long time

Wow! It sure has been a long time since the last time I have wrote. Seems like I have just forgot about this little blog of mine. In reality, that's not that way at all. I have started a few different posts and have had tons of topic ideas it's just that I have failed to get them on here. Sometimes, my life is crazy and that my friend, has been the reason for my absence. Please forgive me and know that it is my intent to keep you updated at least a couple times a week. :)


So how has my life been in the last couple months or so? Hmmm, can we say roller coaster? Yep, roller coaster would definitely be one way to put it. Mostly just for me though. Some days are good, some not so much. I struggle with longing for home more then I would like to. Some days this struggle over takes me and I find it hard to think of anything else. Those are my low points on the roller coaster. I become very emotional and kind of grumpy. Unfortunately, since I don't have anyone else close to me here, My Cowboy gets the brunt of it all. In hindsight I feel bad. I know that there are times that he struggles just as much as I do and it's unfair that I throw our decisions in his face when I am having a bad day. We made this decision together, as a team. I need to learn how to take some responsibility for that decision even when I feel down and out about it.

On the other hand not everyday is bad. We have been staying busy with Boo and baseball. He is doing pretty good. It was a rough start for him since he has never played before but thankfully his coaches are awesome and he has improved SO much. He really likes it and we enjoy it because it gives us something to do. We have also met some really cool people so that is a plus. :)

Buggy and Wywy are doing good as well. Getting bigger and bigger as the days go by. Bug is doing well in school but looking forward to the summer. Wy is being his spunky little self. Such a handful and some days I don't think I can handle another minute of his crazyness. Then some days he is the best kid anyone can ask for! My life would be so boring with out them!

Well I have a huge list of things to do so I must stop writing now. It is my goal to keep you all updated at least a couple times a week so stay tuned! We also have some pretty exciting news to share in the next couple of days so if you wanna know be sure to follow! :) Thanks and God Bless!