Sunday, May 22, 2011

Happy Anniversary.....Or Not??!!

Today marks the anniversary if a very big time in our lives. A time of change, uncertainty,  fear. Oh the emotions we went through when we made the decision to pack up everything we could fit into a U-haul and move 1000 miles away from everything we every really knew. They were overwhelming and sitting here reflecting on how I felt back then brings all those emotions to the surface.

It's very hard to to explain the reasons why we left Arizona. The main reason being because there was not work there but sometimes I question if that is the driving force behind what actually led us to take such a big leap away from home. Truth be told Randy and I needed a change. We were trying to change our life style and the way we did certain things and we both felt that the only way to do that was to get away from everything. We needed to come closer together as husband and wife and as a family of 5.We really just needed to spread our wings and fly a little.

It was not an easy decision to make. We had to think about the kids and about how our decisions would effect them. Colten had just started spreading his own little wings and expanding his social circle. All three of them had friends and family that they had been around their whole life. It was not an easy decision and it took many nights of prayer for us to decide what we were going to do. I truly believe that if it were not for God and for the comfort He put in my heart about the whole situation I would have not been strong enough to get in that truck and say goodbye to everyone I love.

It has been SUCH a struggle! We have ran into a few obstacles while we have been here but no one ever said it was going to be easy. Things are finally panning out and it seems hopeful that we are gonna be ok. Financially we are doing much better. The kids are settling in perfectly and the schools are AMAZING out here. I have met a couple of friends that are pretty cool. Randy LOVES his job. So what's the problem? ME! I am the problem! I have this longing for home. For comfort, for family, for friends, for the familiarity. I miss Arizona, plain and simple! Some days I am great. I feel positive and happy and I love it here. Other days I struggle to fight back the urge to throw what I can fit in my car and hit the road and not stop driving until I see my mountain. This war that is taking place inside me is SO exhausting. Up, down, up, down. (BTW, being pregnant is not helping much!) So how do I fix it?

While having a conversation about this with my best friend a few weeks back she kind of slapped me in the face with a little dose of reality. She was in a similar situation just a few years ago where she left AZ for better opportunities.  She knows the struggles I am going through so well it's scary. Some days she can even explain what is going on in my head better then I can. Yet, she is completely the opposite when it comes to wanting to ever go back home. I asked her why she though it was different for me and with her answer came the slap I was talking about. "Because you have the mindset that Texas is temporary and that it's not about making a life there permanently but  more about just waiting until you can get back to AZ!" Ouch! The truth hurts sometimes, even when it is delivered by someone you love. What got me even more is after pondering her words I realized that this whole time, from day one, that is how I have been thinking. When this journey started for me I thought, well if we fail we can just go home. It has since turned into, well ok we are doing good so now we need wait for an opening with Randy's company so we can go home. My goal has always been on finding a way back to Arizona, one way or another. WHY?? I wanted so badly to get away for there. From the situations that faced us there. I wanted change so bad so why have I been trying to run back to what I so badly wanted to run away from? Why have I never really given Texas a chance. Are the mixed feelings I am having my conscience fighting with my head that I should at least TRY to make it here? (Does that make sense or am I just rambling gibberish?)

I guess my answer lies in what I have gotten out of this experience. In doing this Randy and I have changed SO much. Our kids have changed SO much. We have indeed grown closer as a family. I have learned to have more patience. (Although my kids continue to test that every chance they get) We have learned that the most important thing is that we are all together. Being close as a family is the most important thing ever! And sadly, that is the piece that seems to be missing. The very thing we strive for is the thing that is pulling us back to Arizona. Our family. Yes we have this wonderful little unit of ours here. Yes we are all closer then we have ever been before. But at the same time we are missing out on our family that is 1000 miles away. A family that loves and supports us. A family that we miss SO much.

So there lies my problem friends. Is it possible to hold on the everything we have gained in the last year and continue on our determined path to get back "home"? Or should we do as we did when we decided to come here and put it all in Gods hands? I am thinking that instead of stressing out about it that I should just let it all go. That I should just take one day at a time and see where the path takes me.

So this is me putting it in Gods hands. I am handing over the reins now Lord. Something that I should have done to begin with. You lead us where you want us to go and we will follow, where ever that may be. I trust you and I know that you will give me peace regarding this situation! I thank you for blessing us SO much in the past year and for providing so many blessings to us! We ask that you continue to keep your arms wrapped around our family and keep us protected. We love and praise you! Amen.

{I just want to apologize if this post is completely confusing, all over the place, and makes no sense. I truly wrote it as I thought it. Thank you for taking the time to bounce around in my head for a little bit!)

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