Reality Check

I have so much on my mind right now and I just don't know what to do with it all?

Lately I have been so stressed and worried about everything. School, work, kids, choices and decisions for our future, the kids, dwelling on the past coulda shoulda wouldas, and just everything. When I say stressed I am not even slightly exaggerating. Like to the point that I think I am making myself sick. It rubs off on my family too. I know the kids feel and react to it as does Randy. I just don't know how to stop it. It seems like the more I try the worse it gets.

Last week was a very bad week. On top of the normal everyday stress I deal with I also had a HUGE exam due on Wednesday in my hardest class. I am not doing very good in that class anyways so I need all the help I can get. I decided to go to school early to meet up with my study group to cram last minute.

I had just arrived and I was sitting there talking my my lab partner. She lost her son a year ago when he got hit by a drunk driver. We were talking about how she handled the first anniversary and how she feels peaceful and not hateful. As we were talking I remember thinking here I am whining about taking this stupid test while she grieves the loss of her son. How selfish of me. We had been studying for about half an hour and my phone rang. This was the beginning of my very harsh reality check!

It was my sister in law, which was a little odd cause she usually just texts me unless its important. I answered the phone with mild concern but that quickly changed to flat out freaking out. She had just witnessed a mutual friend of ours, who happens to be the husband of one of my very close friends, lose control of his motorcycle, crash, and then get ran over by a van.

I am happy to report that, by a pure miracle and the simple fact that he was smart enough to wear his helmet, he walked away with a lot of really bad road rash but no broken bone or internal injuries. Someone was definitely watching over him.

It was definitely a scare and between that, what happened in Boston and then in West Texas this week it left me thinking. A lot. It could have been SO much worse. I could have it SO much worse. Then I started thinking about the what-ifs. From there my mind goes to what if it was Randy and what if he wasn't so lucky. What if it was something to do with the kids? What if it we had been spectators at that event? What if a place we were at just blew up? So many people were hurting, grieving the death of someone they loved, or had just lost everything and here I am complaining about a test and stressing about what my future holds. Really??!!

Then it just clicked! My reality check smacked me right in the face. Cold and hard and full of truth.

Here I am wasting valuable time stressing over things I have NO CONTROL over. Things that mean NOTHING if, God forbid, something were to happen to the most important things in my life. The health and happiness of my husband and my kids.

It could be so much worse. I could not have Randy. My kids could be unhealthy. We could be living on the streets homeless. We could be going to bed hungry every night.

But we are not.

And that's what I need to focus on.

I need to let the other stuff fall away and just be thankful for right now. For today. I need to start looking for the positive in my life and stop dwelling on the negative. I need to forgot about my past mistakes and move forward to a better tomorrow. So today isn't perfect and maybe some of the yesterdays weren't either. Maybe bad decisions and poor judgement has led me to the path that I stand upon today but it doesn't have to define me. I can use it and make something positive out of it. With that positive I can create hope and instill that into my family. I can control that! I can change how I look at things!

Someone once told me that you have to use all the bad things (actions, decisions, situations) as stepping stones. Use them to learn and grow from and work on making better decisions as you go. I believe this wholeheartedly... Now more then ever.

So I am going to work on it! I know it won't happen over night because let's face it I am human and bad habits are hard to break but I am determined to look at my situations, my life, and my future as not just negative. I am going to try very hard to find something positive in everything that I can. To be thankful more and complain less.

I am a jerk!

I am stubborn!
I am hardheaded!
I am mean!
I am (not usually) easily angered a lot lately!!
I don't do we'll with change.
I don't do we'll with stress.
I don't do we'll with not having control of a situation I feel like I should control. (Like my whole life right now)
I don't do well when there is not a plan set in place... Or a back up plan.
I have to analyze the "what ifs" and prepare for them.
I lash out, usually at the ones closest to me.(Mainly my husband)

Put all of my bad qualities together and you get a jerk! Add in the fact that I don't deal with it all and would rather push it down until the silliest thing sets me off like a time bomb and you get the ugly side of me! (Those that know me really well can't attest that it is not pretty at all!)

I am usually ALWAYS the one to apologize first because I despise confrontation and I don't really hold grudges. But lately I have been finding myself in situations where it's really hard to say sorry... Especially when I don't feel like I have done anything wrong.

BUT tonight... Well tonight I was wrong! I was a total jerk!!

I am beyond my limit of stress right now! It just seems like life keeps piling on top of my shoulders and I swear if one more thing gets dropped there I am gonna lose it!!

Ever feel like that?!

Realistically, I know that much more will be added to my ever growing pile because once one thing gets better something else happens. It's life and I will find a way to deal with it eventually. I usually do. But geeze! Is it too much to ask for a break!!

TIME OUT!!

Stop for just a quick second and let me catch my freaking breath already!!

I know I gotta get it under control because I am grumpy and snappy and just plain ugly sometimes and on nights like tonight, where I take the stupidest littlest thing and freak out about it and it leads to a huge fight with my husband over NOTHING at all, I feel guilty! (Feeling guilty is something else I despise, in case you were wondering!)

My husband "demanded" that I give him an apology tonight. This was after things cooled off and it was in a jokingly way but I just couldn't do it! I know I was was wrong. I know I lashed out at him for no reason and I said mean and ugly things that shouldn't have been said! I know I need to apologize but I couldn't! Call it pride, call it stubbornness, call it whatever you want but it is what it is!

Now that I have had time to think about it I will be waking him up to say sorry but it will be on my own terms. Not because he wanted me to!

You know what I find both humorous and irritating! When he told me that I had to apologize first HE knew I wouldn't!! The way he said it, the tone he used, the smirk on his face, was all very deliberate. It was intended for this very thing! For me to sit here at midnight stewing over the fact that he was right, the fact that he knows that I know he is right, and the fact that he knows I will wake him up and apologize because I hate going to sleep angry AND the fact that he will then gripe about how he has to work in the morning and I am depriving him of sleep just cause I finally swallowed my pride to say what he knew all along.

I know, it's sick isn't it?!?! :-| Men stink. They stink even more when they know you better then you know yourself most of the time!! What's a gal to do? Guess I better suck it up and get it over with.

Maybe it will teach me not to be a jerk because I am having a bad day.... Maybe, but I doubt it! :-P Good thing he loves me!