Monday, April 22, 2013

Reality Check

I have so much on my mind right now and I just don't know what to do with it all?

Lately I have been so stressed and worried about everything. School, work, kids, choices and decisions for our future, the kids, dwelling on the past coulda shoulda wouldas, and just everything. When I say stressed I am not even slightly exaggerating. Like to the point that I think I am making myself sick. It rubs off on my family too. I know the kids feel and react to it as does Randy. I just don't know how to stop it. It seems like the more I try the worse it gets.

Last week was a very bad week. On top of the normal everyday stress I deal with I also had a HUGE exam due on Wednesday in my hardest class. I am not doing very good in that class anyways so I need all the help I can get. I decided to go to school early to meet up with my study group to cram last minute.

I had just arrived and I was sitting there talking my my lab partner. She lost her son a year ago when he got hit by a drunk driver. We were talking about how she handled the first anniversary and how she feels peaceful and not hateful. As we were talking I remember thinking here I am whining about taking this stupid test while she grieves the loss of her son. How selfish of me. We had been studying for about half an hour and my phone rang. This was the beginning of my very harsh reality check!

It was my sister in law, which was a little odd cause she usually just texts me unless its important. I answered the phone with mild concern but that quickly changed to flat out freaking out. She had just witnessed a mutual friend of ours, who happens to be the husband of one of my very close friends, lose control of his motorcycle, crash, and then get ran over by a van.

I am happy to report that, by a pure miracle and the simple fact that he was smart enough to wear his helmet, he walked away with a lot of really bad road rash but no broken bone or internal injuries. Someone was definitely watching over him.

It was definitely a scare and between that, what happened in Boston and then in West Texas this week it left me thinking. A lot. It could have been SO much worse. I could have it SO much worse. Then I started thinking about the what-ifs. From there my mind goes to what if it was Randy and what if he wasn't so lucky. What if it was something to do with the kids? What if it we had been spectators at that event? What if a place we were at just blew up? So many people were hurting, grieving the death of someone they loved, or had just lost everything and here I am complaining about a test and stressing about what my future holds. Really??!!

Then it just clicked! My reality check smacked me right in the face. Cold and hard and full of truth.

Here I am wasting valuable time stressing over things I have NO CONTROL over. Things that mean NOTHING if, God forbid, something were to happen to the most important things in my life. The health and happiness of my husband and my kids.

It could be so much worse. I could not have Randy. My kids could be unhealthy. We could be living on the streets homeless. We could be going to bed hungry every night.

But we are not.

And that's what I need to focus on.

I need to let the other stuff fall away and just be thankful for right now. For today. I need to start looking for the positive in my life and stop dwelling on the negative. I need to forgot about my past mistakes and move forward to a better tomorrow. So today isn't perfect and maybe some of the yesterdays weren't either. Maybe bad decisions and poor judgement has led me to the path that I stand upon today but it doesn't have to define me. I can use it and make something positive out of it. With that positive I can create hope and instill that into my family. I can control that! I can change how I look at things!

Someone once told me that you have to use all the bad things (actions, decisions, situations) as stepping stones. Use them to learn and grow from and work on making better decisions as you go. I believe this wholeheartedly... Now more then ever.

So I am going to work on it! I know it won't happen over night because let's face it I am human and bad habits are hard to break but I am determined to look at my situations, my life, and my future as not just negative. I am going to try very hard to find something positive in everything that I can. To be thankful more and complain less.

1 comment :

  1. Oh Amber, I hear ya. When I am feeling the least bit unhappy about the way my life turned out, or the fact that I can't take my teenage daughter shopping and out for lunch 'cause we're broke yet again, or I can't go on vacation like my friends with 2 kids and 2 full-time jobs can, all of a sudden I Stop. I realize how rediculous I'm being. Because we're here. We're all healthy. My husband made it home once again from the drive I hate him taking back & forth every day to work (on the expressway 1 hour each way to Chicago).. I have my awesome parents still. I have 4 amazing younger brothers. I have a beautiful home, and good friends. The "good" list goes on & on, and makes all the things that I was temporarily considering "bad" seems stupid and not worth fretting over.

    We only live once. And I agree with you, each day is a blessing.