Truths

I have a lot on my mind tonight and since my awesome husband passed out and left me talking to myself in the dark I figured this is the next best way to get it all out.**

A lot of stuff has been hitting on my heart lately. Stuff that I read or hear or see. Stuff that I know is not coming my way by coincidence. Nothing is ever a coincidence when God is at work! 

I know a lot of you have noticed a change in me. Some have made comments or asked questions. Some have blown it off or simply don't pay it much mind. And some of you expect it of me because you really know me. You know my story. 

For those of you that don't know let me give you a run down.... 

In April of 2010 Randy and I asked God back into our lives. We were broken and fragile and we had no other place to turn. All we had left was the shattered prices of our marriage and our mutual love for our children. We had been running from God and living in the world of sin for years and it had finally all caught up with us. One night during a heated argument I finally told Randy I was done. I could no longer keep going as we were. I was numb. So completely numb! 

That's a sad feeling you know. To be so lost and so messed up that you literally are incapable of feeling nothing!! 

It was that very feeling that had me looking for a way out. A way to pull myself up and out of this horrible life that was full of bad mistakes, angry words, hate, jealousy, revenge and sin. The only way I knew to so that was cut ties and move on. Start over. 

My initial plan didn't include God. It was only about me and how I knew I could be strong enough to do it on my own. I had faith in myself to be able to do this. It wasn't until my husband came to me and begged me  to try just one more time. To give US just one more chance. But this time instead of putting our faith in each other we would put it in God. We would allow Him to have full control of every aspect of our lives and if that didn't work, if that didn't make it better then he would give me the divorce that I wanted. But only after we honestly tried to do it Gods way first. 

That agreement, that promise, is what saved my marriage. Saved my life really. We did just what we vowed to do and we laid our whole ugly mess at Gods feet and asked him to fix what we had so badly broken. And He did! 

Within two months we were moved to another state, thriving on so little, and praising Him the whole way. We have had many up's and downs and veered of our path along the way. We have faced so much in the last 3 years and although it was very unstable at times we always made it through. 

We are in a very good spot right now. I thank God everyday for His grace and mercy that He has for us. I feel like He has planted us right where He wants us to be right now and He is working on surrounding us with people and things that will help us grow in Him. He has given us the tools to make this life the best that we can in a way that will honor and glorify Him and that is exactly what we intend to do.

Thank you to everyone who has acknowledged this change that our family has made and for supporting us in our journey. We are so glad to have such an amazing support system of friend and family. I don't know what I would do with out y'all!



**This post was originally started on Saturday night.

Burned Bridges...Charred or Slightly Singed?

This post has been awhile in the making but I never seem to find the words to express how I feel with out worrying about someone taking it the wrong way and being offended. Then a thought hit me.... If a person feels guilty enough to be bothered by something I write then perhaps this post was intended for them after all! Ill let you be the judge.

So I have been feeling agitated/upset about some stuff lately and I need to vent but I have been working on not letting my emotions overtake my words so I don't say something I will later regret. This proves to be a challenge for me sometimes because I am an emotional person and am known to express how I feel in the heat of the moment. This causes me to have regrets on how my point was delivered or how my words caused unneeded hurt to someone- usually someone I care about. 

Normally the pattern goes something like this: Get hurt/bothered/irrated/angry about something but don't say anything because you don't want the person who cause it to be upset. Stew over it.. I am very good at this. Even though I try to forget about it I never really can so its there stewing and brewing and waiting. Waiting for something little, something insignificant, to set me off and then BOOM! I explode and I say everything that I have been saying in my head for however long I have been stewing! It's ugly but it must come out! Then I move on to the feeling guilty phase and regret the way things happened. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, maybe I shouldn't have let them know they hurt me, maybe I over-reacted. Then I once again forget how I am feeling and be the bigger person and apologize! Who cares that the person on the receiving end did something to me that caused me to hurt and eventually lead to my freak out. I apologize because its the right thing to do! Because I care enough to. 

Well guess what! I don't want to do the "right" thing anymore. Who said it was the right thing anyways??!! (Yes, I am the one who said it but maybe I was wrong!)

What does all of this mean? Heck if I know I am just venting! It's not supposed to make sense. Right?!?

I guess my point is that I am tired of sacrificing my feelings to make sure everyone else's are spared. I am tired of putting my all into a friendship/relationship and getting nothing in return. I am tired of being the person someone goes to only when they need something or when they want to know something. I am tired of holding on when its pretty clear the other person(s) have already let go! 

Why waste my time waiting around for someone to make time for me? If I was important AT ALL they wouldn't have to fight so hard to find the time. They wouldn't have to find excuses why they don't call/text/come by. They would just do it because I am just as important to them as they are to me. I have to let go and just let it be! Stop worrying about it and stop letting it bother me so much! Easier said then done but I am working on it. 

I am finding that the realization that I am just not worth it hurts. But I am also realizing that its ok. That is them and this is me and its really ok. The hurt will heal eventually. I am happy and content in the direction my life is going right now. A little irritated by some stuff (obviously) but overall I am in a good place. God has great things in store for my family and I and I am relishing in His promises of what the future holds. I know that all of this is part of His plan and I know it will all work itself out in the end. I also know that everyone comes into your life for a reason no matter how short of long their stay is. I also know that eventually one of two things will happen. We will drift back together or we will cut ties completely. I guess the determining factor on how that plays out is based upon whether the bridge is charred or only slightly singed.....