Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Burned Bridges...Charred or Slightly Singed?

This post has been awhile in the making but I never seem to find the words to express how I feel with out worrying about someone taking it the wrong way and being offended. Then a thought hit me.... If a person feels guilty enough to be bothered by something I write then perhaps this post was intended for them after all! Ill let you be the judge.

So I have been feeling agitated/upset about some stuff lately and I need to vent but I have been working on not letting my emotions overtake my words so I don't say something I will later regret. This proves to be a challenge for me sometimes because I am an emotional person and am known to express how I feel in the heat of the moment. This causes me to have regrets on how my point was delivered or how my words caused unneeded hurt to someone- usually someone I care about. 

Normally the pattern goes something like this: Get hurt/bothered/irrated/angry about something but don't say anything because you don't want the person who cause it to be upset. Stew over it.. I am very good at this. Even though I try to forget about it I never really can so its there stewing and brewing and waiting. Waiting for something little, something insignificant, to set me off and then BOOM! I explode and I say everything that I have been saying in my head for however long I have been stewing! It's ugly but it must come out! Then I move on to the feeling guilty phase and regret the way things happened. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, maybe I shouldn't have let them know they hurt me, maybe I over-reacted. Then I once again forget how I am feeling and be the bigger person and apologize! Who cares that the person on the receiving end did something to me that caused me to hurt and eventually lead to my freak out. I apologize because its the right thing to do! Because I care enough to. 

Well guess what! I don't want to do the "right" thing anymore. Who said it was the right thing anyways??!! (Yes, I am the one who said it but maybe I was wrong!)

What does all of this mean? Heck if I know I am just venting! It's not supposed to make sense. Right?!?

I guess my point is that I am tired of sacrificing my feelings to make sure everyone else's are spared. I am tired of putting my all into a friendship/relationship and getting nothing in return. I am tired of being the person someone goes to only when they need something or when they want to know something. I am tired of holding on when its pretty clear the other person(s) have already let go! 

Why waste my time waiting around for someone to make time for me? If I was important AT ALL they wouldn't have to fight so hard to find the time. They wouldn't have to find excuses why they don't call/text/come by. They would just do it because I am just as important to them as they are to me. I have to let go and just let it be! Stop worrying about it and stop letting it bother me so much! Easier said then done but I am working on it. 

I am finding that the realization that I am just not worth it hurts. But I am also realizing that its ok. That is them and this is me and its really ok. The hurt will heal eventually. I am happy and content in the direction my life is going right now. A little irritated by some stuff (obviously) but overall I am in a good place. God has great things in store for my family and I and I am relishing in His promises of what the future holds. I know that all of this is part of His plan and I know it will all work itself out in the end. I also know that everyone comes into your life for a reason no matter how short of long their stay is. I also know that eventually one of two things will happen. We will drift back together or we will cut ties completely. I guess the determining factor on how that plays out is based upon whether the bridge is charred or only slightly singed..... 

1 comment :

  1. It is a sad reality that some don't realize eventually people just say, 'I AM DONE'. They just expect you to always be there no matter what they do or say. I am assuming this isn't about me...haha. And if it is I didn't take the hint. But the people who realize what a good person you are, those are the lucky ones, and those that didn't well doesn't mean they are a bad person I guess, just means they are missing out on a blessing!!!