Friday, March 22, 2013

I am a jerk!

I am stubborn!
I am hardheaded!
I am mean!
I am (not usually) easily angered a lot lately!!
I don't do we'll with change.
I don't do we'll with stress.
I don't do we'll with not having control of a situation I feel like I should control. (Like my whole life right now)
I don't do well when there is not a plan set in place... Or a back up plan.
I have to analyze the "what ifs" and prepare for them.
I lash out, usually at the ones closest to me.(Mainly my husband)

Put all of my bad qualities together and you get a jerk! Add in the fact that I don't deal with it all and would rather push it down until the silliest thing sets me off like a time bomb and you get the ugly side of me! (Those that know me really well can't attest that it is not pretty at all!)

I am usually ALWAYS the one to apologize first because I despise confrontation and I don't really hold grudges. But lately I have been finding myself in situations where it's really hard to say sorry... Especially when I don't feel like I have done anything wrong.

BUT tonight... Well tonight I was wrong! I was a total jerk!!

I am beyond my limit of stress right now! It just seems like life keeps piling on top of my shoulders and I swear if one more thing gets dropped there I am gonna lose it!!

Ever feel like that?!

Realistically, I know that much more will be added to my ever growing pile because once one thing gets better something else happens. It's life and I will find a way to deal with it eventually. I usually do. But geeze! Is it too much to ask for a break!!


Stop for just a quick second and let me catch my freaking breath already!!

I know I gotta get it under control because I am grumpy and snappy and just plain ugly sometimes and on nights like tonight, where I take the stupidest littlest thing and freak out about it and it leads to a huge fight with my husband over NOTHING at all, I feel guilty! (Feeling guilty is something else I despise, in case you were wondering!)

My husband "demanded" that I give him an apology tonight. This was after things cooled off and it was in a jokingly way but I just couldn't do it! I know I was was wrong. I know I lashed out at him for no reason and I said mean and ugly things that shouldn't have been said! I know I need to apologize but I couldn't! Call it pride, call it stubbornness, call it whatever you want but it is what it is!

Now that I have had time to think about it I will be waking him up to say sorry but it will be on my own terms. Not because he wanted me to!

You know what I find both humorous and irritating! When he told me that I had to apologize first HE knew I wouldn't!! The way he said it, the tone he used, the smirk on his face, was all very deliberate. It was intended for this very thing! For me to sit here at midnight stewing over the fact that he was right, the fact that he knows that I know he is right, and the fact that he knows I will wake him up and apologize because I hate going to sleep angry AND the fact that he will then gripe about how he has to work in the morning and I am depriving him of sleep just cause I finally swallowed my pride to say what he knew all along.

I know, it's sick isn't it?!?! :-| Men stink. They stink even more when they know you better then you know yourself most of the time!! What's a gal to do? Guess I better suck it up and get it over with.

Maybe it will teach me not to be a jerk because I am having a bad day.... Maybe, but I doubt it! :-P Good thing he loves me!

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