Sunday, January 23, 2011

Fireproof: Part 1

My Cowboy and I watched the movie Fireproof the other night! WOW!! To say was an amazing movie would be an understatement. A very good friend of mine says it's like it was written about her life. Although our situations were not exactly alike I can totally agree with her. It's like the writers took scenes from my life and used them. There are a few parts in the movie where I caught myself gripping my husbands hand while some of those, not so good memories came rushing back. It's hard to remember the bad things. The amazing thing is that he is still there for me to hold on to. We have survived that chapter of our life. That, in itself is a miracle and a blessing from God.

I think every couple goes through some rough patches. That's life right? Ups and downs on the roller coaster is a normal thing in every marriage. I think the important thing is how you choose to ride that roller coaster. During the "up" part things are usually all peachy. It's the "down" part that your really being tested. When things get bad how are you gonna handle them?

After 13 years of riding the same roller coaster I can tell you that I have learned a lot and I continue to learn more and more everyday. But the most important thing I have learned (just recently) is exactly what the father said in the movie. You MUST have a good foundation before you can build something strong. Before My cowboy and I decided to invite God back into our lives, our family, and, our hearts, we were headed to a very bad place.

Like I said there are so many parts of Fireproof we can relate to. The anger, the lack of trust, and the feeling of I don't care anymore were overwhelming! We would have our good days but more often we would have our bad. The screaming and yelling gets exhausting. Sometimes I didnt even know what we were fighting about. It would start out something very small and escalate into throwing harsh accusations and hurtful words at each other. After awhile I became numb to these words. That, for me was a dark and sad place to be in. That was also what ended up pushing me over the edge.

We were arguing about something stupid, I don't even remember what it was about and he had said something that normally would hurt. I winced and waited for the pain from his verbal knife to rush through me but it never happened. I felt nothing. The realization hit me like a rock. "Amber, you souls be used to this by now. Nothing hurts anymore." I snapped! I was so tired of not feeling anything!!!! No love, no hurt, no sadness or happiness! I felt absolutely nothing for my husband! I had become numb and cold. Even sex had turned into a hurry-up-and-do-what-you-gotta-do-so-I-can-go-on-with-my-day sort of thing. I used it as a way to control his moods. Typically we wouldn't fight afterward, at least for a few hours. It made me physically sick to my stomach. This was not normal and I hated it!  I hated that I had let it get this far. I hated myself and I hated him!!

That night, April 5, 2010, I had decided that I was done! I wanted out and I was not about to spend another night laying next to this man that I didn't love anymore! I told him that. He didn't say much. Even when I confirmed his suspicions on me being unfaithful in the earlier part of our relationship, still I got nothing from him. It seems to me that I was not the only one that had become cold and numb.....

I will stop here to give you a break from reading my drama. I need to collect my thoughts as well. I didn't realize that writing this would bring it back with such vivid details. It leaves me feeling thankful to know how far the Lord has brought us since that night. I hope you stick around for part two. I promise I do have a point I am trying to make.  :)

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