Saturday, September 6, 2014

Hold Me Tight

It's quiet. 

I do my best thinking when it's quiet. 

Right now I am thinking how clostrophobic I am feeling. I am currently squished in between my husband, who insists that he is unable to sleep unless we are spooning and he is as close to me as possible (the man is a heater and I am dying), and my littlest guy, who is adamant that he must sleep next to me because he is afraid of heights. I have no idea what heights has to do with anything but he is two and a half and he is afraid so he needs to be held close. 

I want to scream because I don't do well in small spaces. It's hot. I can't breathe. Could either one of them get ANY closer?! Seriously!!

And right smack dab in the middle of what is sure to be a huge panic attack I hear a little whisper...

"Hold me tight momma." Yep, this is bad. 

"Mommy is holding you tight Waylon" I have my hand draped over him and he is as close to me as possible. 

"No you not, hold me TIGHT.....please hold me tight." Instinctively, I wrap my hand tightly underneath him and pull him against me. 

"Yeah, like that mommy!" Just like that his little world is right again. 

Just like that I can't breathe again. Not because I feel confined or clostrophobic but because my heart is overflowing with emotion. (And so are my eyes) He feels safe. In my arms he feels content and comfortable and nothing else matters. Something so little can have such an impact on him. He trusts me. He has faith that I will take care of him. 

Sometimes I need that security too and I get frustrated when I can't find it. I try to explain it to my husband or my close friends/family and for some reason I just can't find the words to help them understand what I need to make me feel secure, safe. Sometimes I just don't have the faith or trust in them to be able to do the job. 

Sometimes it's like that with my relationship with God too. Unfortunately, I have been guilty of not trusting Him to do the work that needs to be done in my life. Especially lately. I get on this kick where I think I can do it on my own. I think I can figure it out because I know what's best for me and my situations and because I tend to be stubborn. 

I am wrong. I can't do it alone. I don't have it all figured out. I will NEVER have it all figured out. I don't know what is best for me, no matter how much I try to tell myself I do. What has really happened is I have let satan take a hold of my weaknesses and use them against me. I have let my faith in God waiver. I have not trusted His plan for my life. Every single time I do this I am always left thinking 'why didn't I just do it your way God? It would have saved me a lot of trouble'.

You see friends, I have learned that it is not about finding someone who understands me, who can help me through whatever it is I am going through. It's about realizing that I already have Him. All I have to do is turn to Him and whisper "Father, hold me tight." and have faith that He will take care of me.

And He will. He does. 

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