My Struggle, Gods Glory

Why is it always in the still of the night, when my mind is running a million different directions, that I find myself coming here to my little quiet place?  When life gets hard and l need to sort out my thoughts I come here. It helps to word vomit every now and then right? 

So, a few days ago I was asked to write a prayer for my marriage. While writing my prayer I said something along the lines of, "you think after you give your life to Jesus it's all going to be peaches and cream...but it's not!" I have been reflecting on just how true that statement is more and more over the last week. 

Tonight, during a particularly hard moment of 'doing life' I once again found myself crying out to God "Why?" and again this thought crossed my mind. "I know you Lord, and I believe in you! Why is this happening? Why does it feel like every time something good happens and I take 2 steps forward, something bad happens and sends me 5 steps back?" It's so frustrating!! 

Let me just tell you friends, my life has been anything but easy lately. I'll spare you all the icky details and just say that the last year and a half has been rough. I have literally felt like I have been at war spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically! I have cried out WHY!? to God so much that I lost count months ago! 

Why does it seem like I am getting attacked in all different directions ALL THE TIME? Why does it feel like a constant battle with everything? On the outside things may look good but oh my goodness, it's a hot mess under the surface!! 

Just when I feel like I am about to throw in the towel and give up God gives me strength to continue on. Just when I am on the verge of waving that white flag God pulls me in and whispers words of encouragement in my ear. 

This back and forth has got me feeling like I am going insane! I just don't really understand it at all. And then BAM! Out of no where tonight it hits me. All of these little snippets of things around me come flooding into my mind and I finally get the answer I have asked for. 

It comes in the form of a scene from the movie Courageous where the pastor is telling the men that because they are taking a stand for God satan is going to push even harder. 

It comes from a quote from Priscilla Shirers' Armor of God study that I did a few months ago about fighting the unseen. 

It comes from one of my favorite worship songs that speaks of satan trying extra hard to destroy all that is good simply because we stand against him when we stand for God. 

I have been trying so hard to dig into my church. Not just attend but actually DIG IN. I have been teaching Sunday School with my daughter and we just got back from an AMAZING mission trip with our LIT/CSALTS in Missouri where I saw first hand God moving in such magnificent ways. (More of that to come in another post). I see my husband planting himself fully into our church (which is an answered prayer in itself) and getting closer to God. We are working so hard on communicating with each other better and trying to fix the issues we have. We are also trying so hard to stand proudly for God and our faith... And I honestly feel like that's why satan is trying so hard to knock us down!! Through anxiety, depression, anger and hurt, miscommunication and hurtful words/actions, satan has tried it all. 

I feel like God had HUGE plans for our family, all 6 of us, and satan is getting scared as we are moving forward with Gods plans so he tries everything  to hold us back. To derail us or distract us from what God has in store. At first that scared me. Are we strong enough to battle this? I feel weak and sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier thrown in the towel and lay down in defeat. But then I remember the sweetest of things. 

I don't have to fight this battle alone. I don't have to carry this weight all by myself. I just have to give it all over to the One who has already conquered it all. 

That is exactly what I am doing. I have turned it all over to God and am doing my best to step out of the way and let Him work. I am putting my armor on daily and I am doing the best I can. And let me just say that seeing His plan come together right in front of my face is better than anything in the world. It's so EXCITING to see what He is capable of doing if we just allow Him to work in and through us. I am so excited for what God has in store for my family and I. 

I was speaking to a sweet young lady a few weeks ago and she mentioned that she feels like the trials she is currently going through is just God writing her testimony. That really stuck with me. I may not see the battles that lay before me and I may accrue some bumps and bruises along the way but I feel deep in my heart that when this is all over I will have one heck of a testimony and God will get all the glory! 

Five Minute Friday: Focus

Today's prompt word: Focus

Go. 

____________________________________________________________________

Focus Amber. 

You can do this. 

You can beat this. 

Just let go and let God. 

Focus on God and His plan for you. It will all be OK if you just let Him lead you and hold on to your faith. 

These are just some of the things that go through my head when I am faced with tribulation. I try really hard to keep my eyes set upon the Lord and draw comfort from his truth. It really does bring me comfort. 

But life has a way of drawing our focus off what matters most. It has a way of distracting us and allowing us to drift to places that are scary and uncertain. I don't do well in those places. I don't do well at all. So I try so hard to not let myself drift there very often. Lately, it seems like the situations in my life are determined to drag me in to these dark, sad places and I feel like I am drowning there. It's overwhelming and I try so hard not to linger. Sometimes it feels like a war is being waged and, wow, it's scary. 

So I try hard to keep my focus on what I know. On God and His promises to never leave me. To never let me walk this path alone.  Often times I accomplish it by submersing myself in worship music so my mind can't wander to the what if's and why nots. Or sometimes I just open my bible and browse. I usually end up landing on just the right verse or a note from the past that reminds me that He is still here, even though I am hurting, and He is still in control.

 I am learning to turn to Him no matter what. Some days I am not successful and those are my bad days. Some days I focus on the Light and those are my better days. I pray my better days continue to outweigh my bad ones. I pray that I continue to draw strength in Him and that I continue to cling to the hope that only He can offer. 

How do you keep your focus on the Lord during times of trials and tribulation? When everything seems like a dark time, how do you find and stay focused the Light? 

STOP

**Image does not belong to Moment We Live For but is a product of Google image search.

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To find out what it's like to write unedited for five minutes straight head on over Kate's page and learn more about Five Minute Friday. 

Five Minute Friday: Quiet

Go.


Quiet. 

That's our prompt word for this week. 

Quiet. I find the irony in that, I really do. 

My life is anything but quiet. With four kids I think it's actually impossible to have quiet. Except for now of course. Late at night when I can only hear their soft breaths and occasional murmuring from whatever dream they are lost in. This is the time when I should embrace the quiet. But you see, it never really comes. 

Now, instead of peace, all I can hear are the million thoughts scrambling through my head. The anxiety of what the path in front of us looks like, of what the future holds. The fear of mistakes that we have not yet made and the steps we have not yet taken. The what if's and maybe's and even the I don't knows. All of it, swirling in my head, making me dizzy and afraid and alone. 

So badly I want to just lay it all at His feet. I know this is what I should do and I try, oh God knows I try. But I find myself picking it back up again and again. It's a daily struggle for me. Some days I am successful and some days I am not.

So badly I want to just reach up and take His hand and allow Him to pull me from these deep waters. So badly I want to just fall into the comfort of His quiet and awaiting arms and surrender this struggle to Him once and for all....

Stop. 

I am linking up with Kate and an awesome group of ladies for Five Minute Friday where we write unedited and unscripted for five minutes on a prompt word. If you would like to learn more and join us please follow the link above. 

Hello, My name is Amber......

I am sitting here at my desk staring blankly at the computer screen with a lump in my throat and confusion in my head. So much to say, so much to get of my chest, yet words fail to come. Maybe because I don't really know where to start. Or maybe because I feel like if I start it will open the flood gates and that kinda scares me.

Why is it that I find myself coming here, to this little blog of mine; this place that has been neglected for so many months, when I feel like I have no where else to turn? This is supposed to be a happy place. A place to share and memorialize all the moments that make up this crazy life of mine.  It's not just a place for happy things. It's a place for real life. Thats what I want it to be anyways. Life isn't about only the good things. Our best memories come from all our moments, good and bad. I feel like the things I write about are ever the same. Same thing, different day.

It annoys me.

It also makes me think. What is my purpose of even having this blog? Yes, I like to write and I like sharing my story with others. But thats not what brings me back here time after time. I realized late last night as I was browsing some of my older posts that having this little place to come spill out my thoughts is like therapy for me. It helps me get my thoughts together and to work some things out in my head.  I also realized that there are a lot of unpublished posts. Some I remember writing, some I was surprised by, but all of them are ME. They are truth and hurt and pain and the growth that comes from walking this life and this path that God has set me upon.

So why are they sitting in the drafts folder unfinished and not shared? Why do I censor what I post? Why do I tend to hold back on the scary stuff?

Simply, I am afraid of the judgement that I may receive when people read what I really feel. When they see what is really going on in my head and the behind-the-scenes aspect of my life what will they think? Sharing those posts and all the unwritten ones that are still swimming around my head requires me to take off the mask that I wear. You know the pretty one that protects me from allowing people to see my struggles and my vulernability. The one that makes me feel like I have a grip on this life and that I actually have it all together.

I don't you know. I really don't have it all together at all. The truth is that I am broken. Inside I feel like I am drowning and no one cares. No one cares because no one knows. It's the dark little secret that I keep hidden behind my pretty little mask. I smile on the outside but on the inside I feel like I am dying. Sometimes it takes everything I have to just get out of bed and complete simple daily tasks. Most days I fail at it. I really just want to stay home and hide from the whole world most of the time. I want to ignore everything and pretend that my life is happy and healthy and that I have it all figured out.

I think the worst part is that I feel like I can't tell anyone. Everyone is busy dealing with their own issues and it's just not fair to drop this bomb in their lap. I don't want to add my junk to their already overloaded shoulders. So I carry it alone. I am used to alone. I can do alone. I have done alone most of my life in one aspect or another so it's nothing new really. It's just that somedays it gets hard. Sometimes I just need to know that someone truly understands that I am not OK and that I am hurting inside. That even though I am surrounded by people who love and care about me I still feel alone. Somedays I just need someone to let me know that it's going to be Ok and that I am going to get through this and that I am, indeed, not alone.

Being a believer I know that I am not actually alone. I know God walks this path with me. I know that I need to just give it all to Him and let Him work on it. I know all the scriptures to read (And I read them, I really do) and I know how to pray. I know how to submerse myself in the Lord and allow His Word to comfort me. Honestly, God and my faith in Him is probably the only reason why I haven't just given up completely and let myself succumb to my illness. I hold tightly to my faith and His promises. He IS my life ring. He is what pulls me up out of the water and sets me on the firm ground when I am drowning. He gives me the strength that I need to make it through each day. I know that one day He will bring me through this and I will be stronger for it. I know all of this in my heart.

It's not a heart problem I have.

It's a head problem.

Hello, my name is Amber and I struggle with depression and anxiety.

I struggle everyday. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Even on the good days it's still there. Waiting to rear it's ugly head. This has been a struggle for me for as long as I can remember but has gotten worse than it has ever been in the last year.

I will overcome this. I will not let this define me. I will not allow myself be swallowed up by this sickness and fade away. I have 4 beautiful and amazing children that deserve me at my best. I am stronger than this. I am.

I know there will be a time that I will need to be reminded of this so I will not delete this post. I will not allow it to sit unpublished in the drafts folder. I will no longer be afraid to share the bad stuff. I will take off my mask and I will hit publish, even though just the thought makes me feel like I can't breathe. I will leave this here as my reminder to myself that I am OK and that, because of God and my faith in Him, I can and I will overcome this. I will leave this here for anyone who has the same struggles as I do. So you will know that you are really not alone. So WE will know that, even when it's dark and it's ugly and we are suffocating on everything this life is throwing at us, we are walking it together. Not alone. Never alone.

Hope

It's that time again! Yep, you know what I mean. It's time to join up with Kate Montaung and the girls over at Five Minute Friday and write for 5 minutes straight and unedited on a given topic/prompt word. This weeks word is HOPE. Let's see what I can do with it....


GO:

I am sitting here in my living room with my mother in law and my youngest son. Bubble Guppies is playing in the background despite the fact that it is almost midnight and long past our bedtime. Yes, it's summer but that's not the reason why I am being so lax in bedtime. The real reason is because Mewma and Papa leave in about 36 hours and I am trying to let the kids soak up every last minute they can with them before they go. The other kids passed out a while ago but for my littlest cowboy this has been a routine for the last month that we have been blessed to have them here. He cuddles close to Memaw and they watch cartoons until he falls asleep. Yes, I know it's going to take double that time to break this habit but since his grandparents live 1000 miles away I am willing to relent in order to give him some one on one time. 

I look at them and I feel both happy and sad. I love that he has found his own way to capture home grandma and me time and it overjoys me to see them together. It also breaks my heart because we they don't have unlimited access to Mewma and Papa. Knowing what they are missing out on breaks my heart. 

This is where my hope comes in. I hold on to the hope that one day God will bring my in laws closer. We all miss them and I desperately want my kids to have them around to make memories with. I hope and pray everyday that something will happen and they will be able to be closer. But I also know that God has a plan. A plan for our lives and a plan for my in laws lives. 

I need to hold on to the hope and promise that God offers me when He tells me He has a plan and it will be better than anything I could want or imagine for my kids and their relationship with their grandparents. Until then I will do my best to make every moment we are blessed to be around family ones that count. I also thank God for those people that he have put in our lives who we have adopted as parents/grandparents. One sweet smiling face of an amazing lady at our church who always has her arms open for a hug comes to mind right now. ☺️

God says He will always provide for our needs. He knows them better than we do and He will always give us exactly what we need. I trust in Him.... 

STOP

I hope that was readable. (Forgive me, it's late and I am emotional lol) If you would like to know more about Five Minute Friday and/or jump in and join us clink the link and set your timers! 

Five Minute Friday: Fear

It has been awhile since I have joined my fellow bloggers for Five Minute Friday due to the sheer fact that my life has been insanely crazy and busy. However, when I got the email notification with this weeks prompt word I knew I had to jump on this train. Here goes everything! 

Go: 

Fear. 

Such a strong word. 

A powerful emotion. 

As someone who struggles with anxiety every now and then I would say that fear and I are somewhat knowledgeable of each other. There is a laundry list of things I fear: 

Spiders

Small spaces

Deep water I can't see the bottom of

Something happening to my children

Being judged....by my peers

Losing someone who is close to me

Being a failure 

Hurting others

Being a bad mom

Getting hurt

Rejection

You see, there are many fears in my life. It's been just recently that I have come to acknowledge that I tend to let fear over take me and many of the situations I face in life. I have learned to succumb to it. This is something I am working on overcoming and I know that the only way to do that is to cast my fears upon the Lord. 

I know this is what I am supposed to do but for something that is so easy to say, it sure is hard to do, isn't it?

There is one particular situation in my life right now that I have been harboring fear for. A super important relationship that I fear has taken a very unexpected turn for the worse. I am flooded with guilt because I feel had it not been for my actions things would not be the way they are right now. BUT, yes there is a but, just when I am in the middle of a worry session about this particular friendship I always hear, from that still small voice, cast your fears upon Me. 

There is a reason for everything that happens in my life. It's all already written out for me. I just need to learn to not fear what comes next and just accept that what's meant to be will be. Even if that means I have to close one chapter of my life to start a new one. Even if that means that some of the people I want so badly to be with me during this next chapter are in fact not meant to be at all. That maybe God has something completely different lined up that will be a million times better than I could ever imagine. 

I am casting my fears upon Him and letting Him have full and complete control of not only this situation but of everything. Yes I may stumble and forget sometimes but I also know that my God is full of grace and will be there for me no matter how lost I get..... 

Stop.

I am absolutely positive that this will be a huge mess of mumble jumble that no one will understand unless you're in my head...(which only a few people have the privilege or curse of being) but that's the beauty of writing for five minutes straight on a given topic with out editing. If you would like to know more about how Five Minute Friday works head on over to Kate's blog and check it out. 

The Struggle is Real....

Is it Friday and, hopefully, by now y'all know what that means. Today's prompt word is: Real.


Go:


I hope you are ready for some randomness because anyone who knows me well or, who reads these posts, will be able to tell you that I am the epitome of random! For example, I opened this screen about an hour and a half ago with the intentions of busting my five minutes out and getting to some other things on my to do list. I started with the title "I'm Real". Well, that immediately reminded me of the song by J. Lo and of course I had to YouTube it. We know how dangerous YouTube can be, hence the reason I am returning here with absolutely no idea of where I was going with this post initially....Yep, totally random! So with that being said, other than a song from my past, I don't really have anything..... So let's talk about my life this week. 

I look back on my planner and it's so full but I don't feel like I really did anything. Nothing really productive anyways. Yes, we have baseball and softball practice, PTA duties and open house at the middle boys school, grocery shopping and helping a neighbor out. I was down with a massive migraine and felt like I was dying on Tuesday. Just our typical, crazy, beautiful routine. The highlight of my week is by far my Wednesday nights. This is the one night a week that I get to do something I really enjoy. 

You see, we have church on Wednesday nights and I help teach a preschool class. I love my Wednesday night kids (most are also my Sunday morning kids) and the teachers I work with. I love planning out our art project helping the kids create it. I love our song time and the funny moments that come with watching the teachers do all the movements that go with those songs. I love the nostalgic feeling I get when we sing a song that I was taught at their age. It's the one day of the week that seems easy for me. Where I don't have to stress about paying the bills, running kids everywhere, or the horrible mess my house is currently in. I just focus on the kids that are before me and helping them learn and grow in the Lord. Don't get me wrong, sometimes that's not an easy job. Sometimes it's quite hard in fact. However, the hugs and I love you's and the proud smiles they get when they have openly prayed for their snack for the first time makes it all worth it. It takes my mind off the real world for awhile and allows me to focus of the simpler things. I think that's what I love the most. 

I feel like I need to start focusing on those simple things outside of my Wednesday nights as well. I know the heavy stuff in life usually consumes us all but there has got to be a way to not let ourselves become so overwhelmed with it that we lose the focus on what is really important. The little things should be just as prominent as the big ones, right?

I know I am not the only one out here that feels this way. What do you do to savor the simple things in life? How do you keep from letting the heavy coat of responsibility overtake and consume the joy of the simple things? I would love to hear your feedback! 

Stop.

***As always, I am linking up with Kate Motaung and the others to write unedited for five minutes straight on a given prompt. To find out more visit this link: Five Minute Friday

Five Minute Friday: Plan

Once again the time has come to hook up with Kate Motaung and a great group of bloggers and write unedited for five minutes. This weeks prompt word is: PLAN. 

Go. 

Oh my goodness!!! Let me tell you how stinking excited I am about this weeks prompt word!!! Yes, God is defianately trying to tell me something.... 

Planning is one of my "happy" vises. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I am in control of something somewhere. I am not sure how to explain it adequately except to say that when I have a plan I feel better. 

Those who know me I am a planner. I like lists. I like to write it all down and I like to check it off. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. I also like to know what lies ahead of me and what to expect. If I have a plan then I don't have as much anxiety about the what-if's. That being said, I have found that most of the time my dearly beloved plans usually go out the window once thing get started. No matter how intentional I was when I planned it. 

This is, in part, my husbands fault. (Yes, I just went there. I totally laid the blame on a man who will probably never read this post and be able to defend himself. Oops!) You see, my amazing husband is the absolute opposite of me when it comes to planning. He is more of a fly by the seat of his pants type. If a thought pops into his head or a certain mood hits he doesn't think twice about breaking my ️said plans to go with the latter. (Yes, this does make us come off as pretty flakey people sometimes.) Over the years I realized that it's easier to just throw my plans out and follow his lead. It saves me a lot of time and definitely a lot of headache. 

Don't get me wrong, I am not the submissive type. It's hard to relinquish control sometimes and more often than not my stubborn streak comes out and, well, it's not pretty. But in the end I usually conceded and we do what he wants. I like peace. I just have to come to it the hard way I guess. 

I have also learned that my relationship with God is the same way. I make all these plans, jump in to all these commitments, thinking I know what's best for my life. After-all it is my life right? I know how I want to live it! I even wrote it down with pretty markers in my beloved planner so now it HAS to happen..Right?

Wrong!! Oh so very wrong! 

That's where I find myself in this stage of my life. Realizing that my thought process with what I am doing with my life may be wrong. My PLANS may not be what God wants to happen.

 I feel like in certain areas of my life I have been planning and trying really hard to make it work because it's what I want. It's what I have planned. I feel like God is doing exactly what my husband does to me. He is throwing a hand up and saying, "Nope, I think you should be doing this my way!"

WHAT?! No, God, that's not what I want to do! That's not what is written down. That is not what I planned! *insert pouty face, arms crossed, stubborn streak I mentionedabove here.* 

There are some key words in there. I and Planned. 

I say that I pray about things before I do them. I say that I want Gods blessing before jumping into something new. But do I really? Am I seeking whole heartedly what the Lord wants me to do? Or am I simply going through the motions of it and doing what I want anyway? 

These are the questions that have been really heavy on my heart for the last two weeks and to be quite honest with you friends, I don't like what the answer has been. 

I know that I need to really work paying more attention to His direction and less attention on fulfilling my wants and desires. I know I need to focus on listening to that still small voice even if the answer doesn't align with what I have already planned out. Because, despite my stubborn and sometimes selfish tendencies to live my life the way I see fit, I know that He already has my plan written down for me. And I know that His plan is far better than anything I could ever come up with on my own. 

Stop. 

If you would like to link up with us and share you five minutes click the link located above. Thanks for taking the time to experience a little bit of what's in my head. 

Love and Blessings, 

FMF: Gather

Yep, it's Friday!! Today's prompt word: GATHER.......

GO.

I have realized that I need to take a moment and gather my thoughts. As I sit here to write, pondering what this word means and how it pertains to my life, I become assaulted with a plethora of thoughts and directions where this can go. So many different things all at once just piling up in my head. I feel like I need to grab a notebook and a pen and take notes. Then another realization slams into my head:

Typical Amber, always overwhelmed with everything! Always too much of too many things. 

This is my life lately. I feel like I have so many different things going on and I am committed to so much that it is literally overtaking my life AND my brain! Between the kids stuff, school, hobbies, church, my little Thirty-One business, and the personal responsibilities of being a wife, mom, and homemaker, I lose count of what I am supposed to do and when! It seems like my brain is ALWAYS ON and never shuts down! I always have something to do and somewhere to be. It's overwhelming. 

Don't get me wrong. I know that I am not the only mother of four that has ever felt overwhelmed by her life and responsibilities. But lately I have been thinking and praying about ways to make it all work with out losing my mind. I thoroughly enjoy all the stuff I listed above and I want to continue to do them. I just don't want to feel like I am overwhelmed and drowning in it all. And I don't want to give up all the other important stuff like my quiet time with God and my bible. Or actually being PRESENT, body AND mind, with my children during our time together instead of thinking of the million little sticky notes on my desk or in my planner that hold all the things I am supposed to do. 

I need to gather all of these things that fill up my life and prioritize them! I need to find a good balance to make it all work the way it's supposed to. Most importantly I need to know my limits and say no when presented with yet another opportunity to stretch myself a little more. I need to accept that I have an obsessive personality and can easily become consumed with one thing which, in turn, throws everything else to the sidelines leaving me scrabbling to catch up. 

STOP.

Five minutes is just not long enough I tell ya!! I could have probably gone on for at least another half hour. (perfect example of being obsessive) HAHA

**If you would like to link up with the awesome group of bloggers and participate in Five Minute Friday's like I have just done or you simply want to see what it's all about, head on over to Kate Motaung blog and check it out! 

A Week Of Nothing....

All good things must come to an end, so they say. If I could have it my way I would announce that all things that are good should remain the same and last forever! 

This past week was SO good! My husband was on vacation and having him home was AWESOME! 

We did nothing! Absolutely nothing! And it was fabulous! I know he is ready to get back to work- that's just him, always has to do something- but I can't begin to explain to you how good it was to just have him here. 

Normally he works 60-70+ hours a week. As you could imagine those kind of work hours leave little time for him to be involved the way he would like to be. It stinks but we are all praying for the day when that can change. (And it will change! God has a plan, I am sure of it!) Until then we will have to make the most out of the time we do have. Just like we did this week. 

Normally "vacation" means going somewhere. Not this time. We just hung out all weekend but it was exactly what we needed. I think the best part was just having Randy here. His presence, and his help, is something I didn't even realize I missed so much until this week. Another thing I didn't realize is how much HE missed being here! 

God really opened my eyes this week. He showed me that it's not only us (the kids and I) that are missing out when Daddy works such long crazy hours. He is missing out too. I guess I have been too focused on all of the ways we are affected by it to really give much thought to how he feels about it. This realization makes me feel sad and selfish. I saw a joy that I didn't know was missing in my husbands eyes while he did the little things with the kids. The exact same little things I complain about having to do every single day! While I am complaining he is missing out. Such a sad thought. 

The kids also loved having him home. Katie insisted on dad picking her up everyday from school. Waylon and Caden were stuck to his side like glue and jumped at the opportunity to help out whenever the need arose. (Mommy was suddenly chopped liver! Haha) Even Colten, who is too cool for his parents these days, made more of an effort to be involved in family time. I loved it! 

I know that he has to work so hard to provide for us. I know that, as blissful as this week was, it can't always be like this. But I think we have both decided that we need to do whatever we can to find a better balance than what we have previously had. We need to nail down a reasonable budget and stick to it so we won't have to be so dependent upon his overtime to pay the bills. That way he isn't having to kill himself to make ends meet. We also need to make better use of the time we do have together. Save the arguments or "grown up issues" for another time and just be together with our focus on each other and the kids. I know it's easier said than done but we are really committed to trying. 

For now we are just going to focus on each other and cherish every moment we have. 

* I would love suggestions and tips on how you all make your household run smoothly. What are some ways you make time for your family? Please feel free to share in the comments section below. :-)

Jumping Back In

It's been awhile since I have joined the amazing community of bloggers over at Five Minute Friday. I forgot home much I have missed it and I am excited to jump back in here.  Today's word is OPEN. Let's see what I can come up with for that....

When I think of the word OPEN the first thing that I think of is a store or a place of business. My mind wanders to a funny moment of me sitting in my car outside of Michael's waiting for them open. Yes, I am that addicted to my hobby. Haha (more about that in a future post) I am absolutely picturing the lady with her face squished against the glass while she taps on the window saying, "Open, open, open!" Yeah, that's the first place my mind goes when I here our prompt word. 

I am telling ya friends, my brain is the epitome of random! 

However, once I let myself ponder on it for a few, "open" takes on a deeper meaning for me. It makes me think about how I need to be more open to change. I need to be more accepting and embrace the changes that need to happen in my life and stop fighting them. To pinpoint it even more, I need to be more open to what God has planned for me.

Why does it seem like I have to do everything the hard way? My way? It isn't until I look back that I realize if I had just relinquished control and allowed God to work in my life that I would have saved myself a whole lot of trouble. It's my instinct to immediately go into panic mode and try to "figure out" what to do and how to fix whatever mess has presented itself to me at the moment. I don't want it to be that way. I want to be able to stay calm and trust that God is working on it. Trust that He has a plan and that He is in control. 

The last couple months I have felt overwhelmed by the things that have been happening in my life and with my children. I have felt beat down and at some points completely broken. It has been one thing after another consistently for the last two months. I don't even want to answer my phone anymore because I don't want to hear the bad news on the other end! I just want to scream "why God? How do I fix this? How do I make it all go away or get better?"

I can't. 

I have tried doing it alone, my way. I really have. Once again, I am failing at doing it alone. I think the lesson in all of this is I CAN NOT DO IT ALONE! 

I need to open my heart and my mind and LISTEN to God. I need to pray harder for guidance and wisdom. I need to open my bible and emerse myself in His Word to find the answers I need. To find the peace that I have been seeking. It's there. I just have to receive it. 

I know I am not alone. Have you been struggling lately? How have you been handling it? I would love to hear from you.



*If you would like to join Kate Motaung and the rest of us every Friday to write unedited for five minutes or you would just like to know more about how it works follow this link: Five Minute Friday

Falling In Love With The Simple Things.

Today was nice. 

Despite the throbbing that has been consistently happening in my head and the rush to get last minute paperwork done, it was a pretty good day. 

After dropping all the kids off at school I came home to not one but two smiling sleepy eyed boys in my bed! Randy has the week off and I honestly can't tell you how nice it has been to just do nothing! Or how it warms my heart to see Mr Waylon cuddled up to his daddy on a cold morning watching Paw Patrol. Ahh, it's the simple things I tell ya. 

We went exploring thrift stores in Denton just for the fun of it. Way had a blast and even found some treasurers along the way. After that we stopped at TSC and I seriously had to fight the urge to walk out of that place leaving all of these adorable little guys behind... 

 

Do you even KNOW how hard that was?!?! I mean, who in their right mind can resist adorable little duckies and chickies? I was this close to filling Randy's truck full of chirping cuteness when Waylon brought me back to reality. "Diesel can play with them like he does the squirrels Mommy!" 

Um, yeah, let's hold off on this adventure until we buy a place with a little more space for a coop and a SEPERATE space for Diesel. Mommy isn't too sure those cute little yellow things can run as fast as the squirrels and, well, last time Diesel got a squirrel to stop long enough to "play" it didn't turn out so well. 😁 No worries, crisis adverted.  (Disclaimer: No baby chicks or ducks were hurt during this temporary lapse in judgement brought on by my love for anything small and cuddly.)

We rounded up the other kids when it was time and just kind of hing out for the rest of the night. Cadens practice was cancelled due to the quick bout of rain we had so there was no real demand to be here or there at any certain time. It was very relaxing. 

I know this is the calm before the storm though. In a few weeks baseball/softball will kick off and I'll be on the run again. It was just so nice having daddy home and available for a change. Normally he is working like crazy. We are praying super hard for whatever it is that God has planned for us in the future that will make this more of a regular thing. We love it. 

God knows our needs and He knows our hearts. He will works everything out and we will be blown away at how He makes all of it come to be even better than we could have ever imagined! I just have to work on waiting patiently for it to happen!

Until then I am going to focus on the little things. The small, simple moments that make such a huge impact on all of us. I am going to capture those and hold them tight. I am going to relish in them and thank God every step of the way! 

I Miss You

I hate that it has been so long since I have posted something. It's not like I don't think about it. In fact, I feel like that's my problem. I over think it. What do I write? How much do I disclose?What will my "audience" think of what I say? What if I don't portray myself as a self respectful Christian woman that I am? 

I am sure that if I were to just open my heart and spill it out before you, y'all would think I am insane. (Haha Maybe I am.) But the thing is, that's exactly what I created this blog for. Just my random thoughts and feelings. A place I can go to release the stress of the day in a way that I love. Through writing. 

Who cares if it makes sense? 

Who cares if you don't agree with what I say?

Who cares if I am not politically correct or if I say something that you don't like? 

 

This is MY place. This is MY thing. And I am not going to continue to avoid posting whatever I feel like posting becaue I am worried about how someone my interpret it or what they will think of me after reading a post. 

I am going to go back to the way I used to do it. Back to the Five Minute Friday style of writing. Unedited, free writing. 

Ohhhh yeah, I have missed doing this! 

I have been writing but not hitting publish. Not anymore. Hang on y'all, this might get crazy! (Haha just kidding! If anything it may not make any sense, but at least I am getting it out....right?) 

New Year, New Me? Probably Not!

Well Hello 2015!!! 

Wow, remember when we were just kids and the thought of 2015 gave us images of some far away futuristic land where our cars had auto-pilot and robots did all of our chores? With the way technology is advancing I am pretty sure those things are not so far fetched anymore but for now, well for now we are content with iPhones the size of a book and selfies. 

Still a lot has changed, as life typically does. 2014 flew by in a blur of busy chaos that still leaves me dizzy. We made it though. We are all here and accounted for. Healthy and for the most part happy. But, with every new year comes the need for change. It's ineveitable. As much as I don't like it and as much as I make fun of everyone who does it, I find myself doing it too. 

You know what I am talking about, I know you do! 

Resolutions. Goals. Aspirations. The whole out with the old, in with the new mindset. New year, new me right? 

Wrong!! 

It just doesn't work that way. Just because we flipped the calendar does not mean we can just stop being who we were yesterday. We are not all going to miraculously stop pigging out on junk food because it's January and we have a fresh start!! (I seriously didn't even make it an hour before I killed that goal! Haha!) 

We do it with good intentions though. I mean, I honestly WANT to lose 40+ pound this year, read more, blog more, exercise more, spend less. I really WANT to stop yelling at my kids so much (because it feels like that's all I do) and try listening more. I WANT to take the time to enjoy the little things and stop letting life get so out of control. Realistically though, if I REALLY wanted to do any of those things, I wouldn't have had to wait until January first before setting a goal and working to achieve it. 

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand the desire to make New Years resolutions. It's a clean slate. It's a chance to forget about all the ups and downs and past failures of the last year and work to make the new, upcoming year a great one. I totally get that but if you're like me, it never really works out well. What I am trying to get at is this: 

Instead of doing really good for a week or two and then stumbling a little and giving up completely,why don't we make it easier on ourselves and it try a different way? What if we altered our whole outlook on the "New Year, New Me" thing? Take some of the immediate pressure off and stop being so hard on ourselves! How you ask? It's simple really. 

Just take one day at a time. 

Whoa! Did I really just say that?! Yes, yes I did! You see, I have realized that I don't do well with long term goals. I am what some may call impatient. I want to see results right away. I despise having to wait very long for anything. In turn, by setting long term goals for myself all I am really doing is setting myself up for failure. If I don't see results or if I run into some snags along the way I tend to shut down and give up. It took me a loooong time to figure this out but I think I am on to something here. 

Baby steps. I think thats the key or at least it's the key I am going to try! 

What do you think? Do you think I am on to something here or just off my rocker and babbling at 2:30am? 

I hope that, whatever way you choose to uphold your New Years resolutions, you are successful and that your year is full of wonderful memories and many blessings.   It is my intention to work harder at keeping this little blog up to date on my progress. I would love nothing more than to hear how you are doing as well so come visit me often and let me know how things are going for you. 

Until then, love and prayers, 

Hold Me Tight

It's quiet. 

I do my best thinking when it's quiet. 

Right now I am thinking how clostrophobic I am feeling. I am currently squished in between my husband, who insists that he is unable to sleep unless we are spooning and he is as close to me as possible (the man is a heater and I am dying), and my littlest guy, who is adamant that he must sleep next to me because he is afraid of heights. I have no idea what heights has to do with anything but he is two and a half and he is afraid so he needs to be held close. 

I want to scream because I don't do well in small spaces. It's hot. I can't breathe. Could either one of them get ANY closer?! Seriously!!

And right smack dab in the middle of what is sure to be a huge panic attack I hear a little whisper...

"Hold me tight momma." Yep, this is bad. 

"Mommy is holding you tight Waylon" I have my hand draped over him and he is as close to me as possible. 

"No you not, hold me TIGHT.....please hold me tight." Instinctively, I wrap my hand tightly underneath him and pull him against me. 

"Yeah, like that mommy!" Just like that his little world is right again. 

Just like that I can't breathe again. Not because I feel confined or clostrophobic but because my heart is overflowing with emotion. (And so are my eyes) He feels safe. In my arms he feels content and comfortable and nothing else matters. Something so little can have such an impact on him. He trusts me. He has faith that I will take care of him. 

Sometimes I need that security too and I get frustrated when I can't find it. I try to explain it to my husband or my close friends/family and for some reason I just can't find the words to help them understand what I need to make me feel secure, safe. Sometimes I just don't have the faith or trust in them to be able to do the job. 

Sometimes it's like that with my relationship with God too. Unfortunately, I have been guilty of not trusting Him to do the work that needs to be done in my life. Especially lately. I get on this kick where I think I can do it on my own. I think I can figure it out because I know what's best for me and my situations and because I tend to be stubborn. 

I am wrong. I can't do it alone. I don't have it all figured out. I will NEVER have it all figured out. I don't know what is best for me, no matter how much I try to tell myself I do. What has really happened is I have let satan take a hold of my weaknesses and use them against me. I have let my faith in God waiver. I have not trusted His plan for my life. Every single time I do this I am always left thinking 'why didn't I just do it your way God? It would have saved me a lot of trouble'.

You see friends, I have learned that it is not about finding someone who understands me, who can help me through whatever it is I am going through. It's about realizing that I already have Him. All I have to do is turn to Him and whisper "Father, hold me tight." and have faith that He will take care of me.

And He will. He does. 

My Struggle, His Victory

It's been one of those days!!

You know those days where getting up and going to work at an actual 9-5 job looks like heaven! 

Ugh! I loath days like today!!

Don't get me wrong. I love my children. I love being able to stay at home with them and watch them grow. I love being the one that the come to when they want to build a fort using every blanket I just washed and all the cushions from the couch, which reminds me that I need to vacuum all the junk that's hiding in there. I love playing cars with the boys or painting nails with my girl. I love being the one that kisses their owies and makes it all better. But as most of you stay at home moms know our job is anything but easy!!

My wonderful, but verbally challenged husband, asked the no-no question tonight. That one question that gets us all worked up! "What did you do all day!"

REALLY??!!??!! 

I don't know why but this question always bothers me! Granted, my house needs to be picked up and the floors are in desperate need to moping but seriously! Do you actually think I just hang out and party all day?! I wish!!! 

My day consists of coffee, lots of coffee (because none of us would make it through with out it), cooking, picking up toys, baths, chasing kids, refereeing fights, running errands, running kids everywhere, time outs, screaming kids (and mommy too), church..... It's never ending!  During the school year we have baseball/softball practice, homework (or better known as battle of willpower that usually ends in tears) and all the fun activities that come with school. This year I am SO lucky (yes that is sarcasm you are detecting) to have a child in every rank of school there is. High School for Colten, Katie is starting Middle school, Caden is left in Elementary and Waylon wil be home with me doing Pre-K. You name it, I probably do it.

Yes, there are days that I say forget it all and NOTHING gets done. Lately that seems to be happening more and more. I don't have the energy and sometimes I just don't care. I think I am in a slump and I think satan is trying his hardest to keep me there. I think he is testing my relationships, with God as well as those closest to me, to try to take away everything good and make me feel like I have nothing or no one to turn to. Well I have news! I am a fighter and it may take me a minute or two to figure out what is going on but now that I have you can bet that I am not just going to allow myself to just succumb to the dark sad world of feeling overwhelmed and defeated. I will not!

A couple of weeks ago a friend told mine to read the book of Ephesians, really dig into it and read it. I am so thankful that I didn't just blow it off like I have been doing with everything else lately. I have gotten so much from just jumping in and reading, especially when I didn't want to. Probably the verses that hit me that hardest are Ephesians 5:8-13:

 ⁸ For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light ⁹ (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) ¹⁰ and find out what pleases the Lord. ¹¹ Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. ¹² It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. ¹³ But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.

So I will do as it says and I will live as a child of light. I will love this place and time that God has for my life and I will do so with out questioning His plan His timing for my life. I will try harder at having faith in what I believe and not letting doubts creep in. Most importantly, when I feel like life is pulling me under I will reach out and ask for help and seek answers from my Bible because when all else fails God is one thing I can always count on!

 

I Need To Write

As I sit here, ignoring all my other responsibilities for the moment, consumed with making the vision in my head of how this blog is supposed to look come to life one thing keeps slamming into my head. 

You need to write.

I ignore it, as I have for the last 5 months, but it's more consistent these last few days. 

You need to write. 

So many excuses fill my mind. Too busy. The kids are screaming. I can't think. I am thinking too much. I am tired. No one really cares what you have to say!

You need to write. 

 I know! Trust me I know. But I can't. 

No, really, I can't. 

When I start it all just comes out as a huge jumbled mess and it's going in 15 different ways and it doesn't make any sense whatsoever. So what's the point? 

Last night I finally figured out what the point was. I had logged on to admire the work that my awesome, very talented, and a little geeky but very loved friend did on here and some how ended up reading some of my past posts and a lot of the drafts that have been started but discarded sometime in the last 5 months.

 WOW!! Let's talk about emotion! Those words on the screen, my words, so raw and real, just left abandoned. 

I need to write!

 I need that release that I get from writing all of it down. I miss that and I miss sharing it with anyone who cares enough to read it. I love going back and reading my words and feeling exactly how I felt at that exact moment! I love seeing the growth in myself from month to month and year to year. I love the memories! But most importantly I miss knowing that, should the day come that I am no longer here, my children will have documentation of who I really was.

So because of all of that.... I am going to write! 

I Want My Joy Back

It has been quite sometime since I have sat down and pounded out words for this little space of mine. Too long. I miss it. I miss the release I get from just letting mindless, probably mostly nonsense, thoughts flow from my mind to the keyboard in front of me. I get great joy from writing but it is something I rarely do anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I still journal. I will always journal. Even if it is just a sentence of two that only makes sense to me. It is something I have done since I was a kid and will most likely be something I will do forever. Ha, it's more for my own sanity than anything else. You see I am not capable of keeping all that crap in my head for very long and MUST get it out or I swear my head will explode. But, like I said, writing is different than journaling. (is that a real word?)

Writing makes me happy. Sharing fun stories of my family or triumphs over recent tribulations or the way a song makes me feel brings me joy. Unfortunately, like many other things lately, it seems like I just don't take the time to do it.

Why you ask? Good question! So good that I don't even have the answer for it.

Why does it seem that life gets so complicated, so stressful and overwhelming, that we fail to make time to do the things that bring us joy? Since when did it become normal to overlook the little things that truly matter? Since when did the normal start consisting of mom yelling and having no patience whatsoever instead of taking the time to relish in the lives of her children?

Since when did I become this negative, totally stressed out, unhappy, and sometimes emotionally unstable person that has pushed herself to the brink??? And for what? What is the point of it? Is this really the mom I want my kids to remember 10 years from now? No!! It really is not! It wont be!

 I am going to find my joy again. I am proclaiming it right here and now! I am going to bring it back and I am not going to let it go! I am not sure how but God will show me the way. This is one thing I do know.






***Every week a lovely group of ladies get together and write unedited for five minutes on a given topic. To join in, hop on over to Lisa-Jo Baker's website and check out more info on Five Minute Friday.***

Losing

So I have been trying to get "lost" in worship music lately in hopes of clearing my head of all the junk that satan seems to want to keep attacking it with. I have been trying to focus on Him and what better way to do that then to submerge myself in worship and praise for Him. 

On my way to drop my oldest off at school on Thursday morning a song on the radio caught my attention but I was only able to remember a few words. I quickly saved them in a memo on my phone with the intention of looking them up when I got home. Things got crazy and, like most things, it was forgotten about. Yesterday I went to add yet another memo (I must write everything down or I forget..haha) and there are the lyrics. I quickly did a Youtube search and this song popped up. Listen to it, soak it up, and wrap your mind around what they are saying.

               
I can't believe what she said
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong
Don't they know it's wrong
Well maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love or this is hate
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father wont You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Well it's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times
'Cause Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done

This is love or this is hate
We gotta a choice to make

Oh Father won't You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Why do we think that our hate's gonna break a hard heart
We're rippin' arms over wars that don't need to be fought
'Cause pride wont let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but it's just to burn them down
We think our pain is own apologies and get them to stop
Well truth be told it doesn't matter if their sorry or not
'Cause freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of Your mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down

Oh Father wont you forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losing

Oh Father wont you forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losing

Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'




I can't believe I have never heard it before!! The words, the message of this song, speaks so loudly to me. There are a few people/situations in my life that this could be directly aimed at and those were the first things that popped into my head. However, after listening to this song for the umpteenth time I was hit with yet another realization. (Yep, that's how God works my friends!) Not only could this song be about ME letting go and forgiving others for the hurt and pain they have caused in my life but it could also be about OTHERS letting go and forgiving me as well. I was quickly, and almost harshly, reminded that my slate isn't sparkly and clean. I am a sinner and I am positive that I have caused pain and/or hurt to many through my actions or my words at one point in time or another. It's not something I am proud of or that I would ever boast about but it's truth, nonetheless.

I am not saying that it is easy. We are human beings. We tend to have a hard time forgiving and forgetting. I am the worst at this! While it is easy for me to say "I forgive you" and feel like I truly mean it, I find that often times it's a lie. You see I have a hard time with the forgetting part. (Please tell me I am not the only one!) It's hard to look at someone who has hurt you and just completely let it go because we have the fear of being hurt again. Right?! But LOOK at this verse in the song: 

Cause Lord it doesn't feel right 
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done


Are you kidding me?! The power in those words are almost overwhelming to me! I think about all He has done for me, all that He has forgiven me of, ALL THE PAIN HE HAD TO ENDURE ON THE CROSS FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US TO BE FORGIVEN OF OUR SINS AND HAVE ETERNAL LIFE, and I am in awe! How can I selfishly hold on to all of the bad things that have happened to me (or that I have done) when Jesus has already, unselfishly, paid the ultimate price for them?  My petty issues pale in comparison and by holding on to them I am the one losing!

I decided to do a quick search on what the bible has to say about forgiveness (unfortunately I am not as bible savvy as I would like to be and I am unable to know off the top of my head exactly where to go to find what I need in a time like this. I am working on that but for now a quick google search did the trick) and came across Matthew 6:14- For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Let's just stop and think of what that means for a minute. By not forgiving ourselves and others we are not only losing out on our freedom of peace but we are also, in other words, denying God the ability to forgive us. Whoa!! That puts a whole new spin on losing. Do we really want to lose out on all God has to offer us because we are too focused on the past? Too stubborn to let go of all that hurt and pain?

That alone is enough to have me evaluating my situations and seeking ways to forgive and let go for good. I don't want to let all that junk stand in the way of receiving all the greatness that God has in store for me. Do you?