Friday, January 22, 2016

Hello, My name is Amber......

I am sitting here at my desk staring blankly at the computer screen with a lump in my throat and confusion in my head. So much to say, so much to get of my chest, yet words fail to come. Maybe because I don't really know where to start. Or maybe because I feel like if I start it will open the flood gates and that kinda scares me.

Why is it that I find myself coming here, to this little blog of mine; this place that has been neglected for so many months, when I feel like I have no where else to turn? This is supposed to be a happy place. A place to share and memorialize all the moments that make up this crazy life of mine.  It's not just a place for happy things. It's a place for real life. Thats what I want it to be anyways. Life isn't about only the good things. Our best memories come from all our moments, good and bad. I feel like the things I write about are ever the same. Same thing, different day.

It annoys me.

It also makes me think. What is my purpose of even having this blog? Yes, I like to write and I like sharing my story with others. But thats not what brings me back here time after time. I realized late last night as I was browsing some of my older posts that having this little place to come spill out my thoughts is like therapy for me. It helps me get my thoughts together and to work some things out in my head.  I also realized that there are a lot of unpublished posts. Some I remember writing, some I was surprised by, but all of them are ME. They are truth and hurt and pain and the growth that comes from walking this life and this path that God has set me upon.

So why are they sitting in the drafts folder unfinished and not shared? Why do I censor what I post? Why do I tend to hold back on the scary stuff?

Simply, I am afraid of the judgement that I may receive when people read what I really feel. When they see what is really going on in my head and the behind-the-scenes aspect of my life what will they think? Sharing those posts and all the unwritten ones that are still swimming around my head requires me to take off the mask that I wear. You know the pretty one that protects me from allowing people to see my struggles and my vulernability. The one that makes me feel like I have a grip on this life and that I actually have it all together.

I don't you know. I really don't have it all together at all. The truth is that I am broken. Inside I feel like I am drowning and no one cares. No one cares because no one knows. It's the dark little secret that I keep hidden behind my pretty little mask. I smile on the outside but on the inside I feel like I am dying. Sometimes it takes everything I have to just get out of bed and complete simple daily tasks. Most days I fail at it. I really just want to stay home and hide from the whole world most of the time. I want to ignore everything and pretend that my life is happy and healthy and that I have it all figured out.

I think the worst part is that I feel like I can't tell anyone. Everyone is busy dealing with their own issues and it's just not fair to drop this bomb in their lap. I don't want to add my junk to their already overloaded shoulders. So I carry it alone. I am used to alone. I can do alone. I have done alone most of my life in one aspect or another so it's nothing new really. It's just that somedays it gets hard. Sometimes I just need to know that someone truly understands that I am not OK and that I am hurting inside. That even though I am surrounded by people who love and care about me I still feel alone. Somedays I just need someone to let me know that it's going to be Ok and that I am going to get through this and that I am, indeed, not alone.

Being a believer I know that I am not actually alone. I know God walks this path with me. I know that I need to just give it all to Him and let Him work on it. I know all the scriptures to read (And I read them, I really do) and I know how to pray. I know how to submerse myself in the Lord and allow His Word to comfort me. Honestly, God and my faith in Him is probably the only reason why I haven't just given up completely and let myself succumb to my illness. I hold tightly to my faith and His promises. He IS my life ring. He is what pulls me up out of the water and sets me on the firm ground when I am drowning. He gives me the strength that I need to make it through each day. I know that one day He will bring me through this and I will be stronger for it. I know all of this in my heart.

It's not a heart problem I have.

It's a head problem.

Hello, my name is Amber and I struggle with depression and anxiety.

I struggle everyday. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Even on the good days it's still there. Waiting to rear it's ugly head. This has been a struggle for me for as long as I can remember but has gotten worse than it has ever been in the last year.

I will overcome this. I will not let this define me. I will not allow myself be swallowed up by this sickness and fade away. I have 4 beautiful and amazing children that deserve me at my best. I am stronger than this. I am.

I know there will be a time that I will need to be reminded of this so I will not delete this post. I will not allow it to sit unpublished in the drafts folder. I will no longer be afraid to share the bad stuff. I will take off my mask and I will hit publish, even though just the thought makes me feel like I can't breathe. I will leave this here as my reminder to myself that I am OK and that, because of God and my faith in Him, I can and I will overcome this. I will leave this here for anyone who has the same struggles as I do. So you will know that you are really not alone. So WE will know that, even when it's dark and it's ugly and we are suffocating on everything this life is throwing at us, we are walking it together. Not alone. Never alone.


  1. I love you dearly & don't walk it alone...I'm right beside you in the shadows for I too hide the real me for fear of judgement.

  2. I love you too Becca. Don't hide. It just adds to the issue. That's a lesson I learned a long time ago. I am here for you my sweet friend with no judgement, only understanding and love. ;