Reality Check

I have so much on my mind right now and I just don't know what to do with it all?

Lately I have been so stressed and worried about everything. School, work, kids, choices and decisions for our future, the kids, dwelling on the past coulda shoulda wouldas, and just everything. When I say stressed I am not even slightly exaggerating. Like to the point that I think I am making myself sick. It rubs off on my family too. I know the kids feel and react to it as does Randy. I just don't know how to stop it. It seems like the more I try the worse it gets.

Last week was a very bad week. On top of the normal everyday stress I deal with I also had a HUGE exam due on Wednesday in my hardest class. I am not doing very good in that class anyways so I need all the help I can get. I decided to go to school early to meet up with my study group to cram last minute.

I had just arrived and I was sitting there talking my my lab partner. She lost her son a year ago when he got hit by a drunk driver. We were talking about how she handled the first anniversary and how she feels peaceful and not hateful. As we were talking I remember thinking here I am whining about taking this stupid test while she grieves the loss of her son. How selfish of me. We had been studying for about half an hour and my phone rang. This was the beginning of my very harsh reality check!

It was my sister in law, which was a little odd cause she usually just texts me unless its important. I answered the phone with mild concern but that quickly changed to flat out freaking out. She had just witnessed a mutual friend of ours, who happens to be the husband of one of my very close friends, lose control of his motorcycle, crash, and then get ran over by a van.

I am happy to report that, by a pure miracle and the simple fact that he was smart enough to wear his helmet, he walked away with a lot of really bad road rash but no broken bone or internal injuries. Someone was definitely watching over him.

It was definitely a scare and between that, what happened in Boston and then in West Texas this week it left me thinking. A lot. It could have been SO much worse. I could have it SO much worse. Then I started thinking about the what-ifs. From there my mind goes to what if it was Randy and what if he wasn't so lucky. What if it was something to do with the kids? What if it we had been spectators at that event? What if a place we were at just blew up? So many people were hurting, grieving the death of someone they loved, or had just lost everything and here I am complaining about a test and stressing about what my future holds. Really??!!

Then it just clicked! My reality check smacked me right in the face. Cold and hard and full of truth.

Here I am wasting valuable time stressing over things I have NO CONTROL over. Things that mean NOTHING if, God forbid, something were to happen to the most important things in my life. The health and happiness of my husband and my kids.

It could be so much worse. I could not have Randy. My kids could be unhealthy. We could be living on the streets homeless. We could be going to bed hungry every night.

But we are not.

And that's what I need to focus on.

I need to let the other stuff fall away and just be thankful for right now. For today. I need to start looking for the positive in my life and stop dwelling on the negative. I need to forgot about my past mistakes and move forward to a better tomorrow. So today isn't perfect and maybe some of the yesterdays weren't either. Maybe bad decisions and poor judgement has led me to the path that I stand upon today but it doesn't have to define me. I can use it and make something positive out of it. With that positive I can create hope and instill that into my family. I can control that! I can change how I look at things!

Someone once told me that you have to use all the bad things (actions, decisions, situations) as stepping stones. Use them to learn and grow from and work on making better decisions as you go. I believe this wholeheartedly... Now more then ever.

So I am going to work on it! I know it won't happen over night because let's face it I am human and bad habits are hard to break but I am determined to look at my situations, my life, and my future as not just negative. I am going to try very hard to find something positive in everything that I can. To be thankful more and complain less.

Baseball Blues

Today is opening day for AJLL. We are so excited because we LOVE baseball... Well most of us do anyways.

This year Colten is in Juniors. This is his 4th season playing and he loves it! He truly has a passion for baseball and he is pretty decent. This season is bittersweet for Colten because he misses his team mates from Texas but to say he is very anxious to get started would be an understatement.

This season is Caden's first for tball. Or maybe I should say "was supposed to be" his first. We all know how crazy shy my little Cade is. Before signing him up we repeatedly reminded him that he would be on his own. Before we invested any money and time we asked over and over what he wanted to do. He swore up and down that he understood and that he was ready. He was truly VERY excited about playing.

Until the first practice!!!

Katie had to go out there and do it with him because he was too shy. Second practice he did half on his own and did really well. Third practice he got sick and was out for a week. The first practice back after being sick was ok. He made it through half the practice before he felt icky and was coughing his head off and had to stop. I felt like he should have toughed it out and finished but he refused. Now he says he doesn't want to play because he doesn't want to cough or get sick.But I know that's not why.

Ugh!!! This is where I am conflicted!!!

Do I push him to finish what he started even though he is scared? Or do I let him choose what he wants to do and support his decision?

On one hand I feel like I need to push him. I know he loves to play and that he could be pretty darn good. I know that the biggest factor is that he is shy and doesn't want to be in front of everyone because its uncomfortable. But sooner or later he must step out of his comfort zone and stop letting it hold him back. Do I push that now? Or do I wait, let him conquer Kindergarten and get used to being social and then try again next season?

Here is my fear..

I worry that if I push him into doing this he will have a bad experience and it will ruin any chance of him wanting to play later. I don't want to MAKE him do something he doesn't want to do but on the other hand I don't want him to think that just because something is hard and challenges us that its ok to just give up and quit. UGH!!! Parenting is HARD!!!

I am thankful that his coach is understanding and told Caden that his team would be there to support him no matter what.

So what do I do??? What would you do?! Suggestions? Comments? Concerns?

To leave on a positive note here is a pic of my (almost) 14 year old. We are very proud of him and his accomplishments. Go BOOMERS!!!!!

An Uneventfully Eventful Weekend

I don't know why I bother planning stuff out. It just seems like I am creating more work for myself.

I go through what NEEDS to be done and what I WANT to get done and I make lists for each. Then I make a list on how I plan to implement these tasks and put them in order based on priority. I will then delegate (I do this part best hehe) who needs to do what or be where and when. I try to plan a schedule and of course that requires another list or two. Somewhere in all this planning mess I lose a list so I have to redo it which, in turn, means I find MORE stuff to add and other things to do and it's a vicious circle!!!! Do you see what I mean? All of this hard work for what?!?

I had our weekend planned out. I had everything figured, refigured and properly planned and ya wanna know what? Maybe 25% of it got done.... and that's being generous. Such a waste of time but it makes me feel better so ill continue to do it.

So what did we end up doing this weekend? A whole lot of nothing! Which for us mean it was semi-busy.

I took Waylon to the dr on Friday and he got a shot in his leg of antibiotics. The oral ones were making him have tummy issues and it was just no good. He was very angry at the nurse who administered the injection. When she came to check on him after the precautionary 10 min wait period she rubbed his leg and he grabbed her hand and pushed it away! Haha This boy can give some nasty looks I swear! She laughed at him and said he was adorable. He responded with an icy cold smile that seemed to say "touch me again and I'll show you just how adorable I can be, crazy woman!!"

After that we came home and waited for daddy to get here so he could get some sympathy. He went from happy to fake crying with in seconds of daddy walking in the door. He ran to Randy and did his fake cry and then pointed at me like he was telling on me for subjecting him to such horrible treatment. It was comical.

We grabbed sissy from school and the other kids from memaws and headed to Walmart. It was SUPPOSED to be a quick trip in and out but ended up getting prolonged cause daddy had to help some people get into their car. They locked the keys in. Randy ended up calling Jerrod who brought more tools and then mom and dad swung by and before we knew it we had us a family reunion in Walmart parking lot. Yep, we are from AJ! :-)

When we finally got home we made a pallet in the floor and watched Hop. Such a cute movie.

Saturday Colten had batting practice. We were ALL supposed to go but slept in so grandma came and took him. I was supposed to clean and study but only managed to get dishes done. No studying!! (SHOCKER!) The kids helped dad in the yard. They are trying to get it ready for Easter.

The last couple of weeks have been uber stressful for Randy and I so we decided to have a couple hours of "our" time. We went and got a quick bite and then met Jason at Harkins and watched Olympus Has Fallen. It was a really good movie.

Today... What did we do today? Oh yeah. We took Waylon to get his first ever haircut! I know, I was sad too. Bye bye baby curls! :'( We took him to Great Clips and the lady did a horrible job! I seriously mean horrible! I wanted to cry. Thank goodness Auntie Aubrey was able to fix it up for him. We had to bribe him with the horses to keep him still but it worked and looks much better. ***

The rest of the afternoon was uneventful. We came home and just hung out. I FINALLY started studying... I have a midterm exam for my A&P class tomorrow! (Have I mentioned how much I hate this class?) I know I have had a week to study but um... well what can I say I am a procrastinator! And the sickness that has plagued my house for the last two weeks didn't help any!

I guess I better get off here and get some sleep so I can get up early and study. Wish me luck! :-)

***Here are a couple of pics of Waylon first haircut!

I am a jerk!

I am stubborn!
I am hardheaded!
I am mean!
I am (not usually) easily angered a lot lately!!
I don't do we'll with change.
I don't do we'll with stress.
I don't do we'll with not having control of a situation I feel like I should control. (Like my whole life right now)
I don't do well when there is not a plan set in place... Or a back up plan.
I have to analyze the "what ifs" and prepare for them.
I lash out, usually at the ones closest to me.(Mainly my husband)

Put all of my bad qualities together and you get a jerk! Add in the fact that I don't deal with it all and would rather push it down until the silliest thing sets me off like a time bomb and you get the ugly side of me! (Those that know me really well can't attest that it is not pretty at all!)

I am usually ALWAYS the one to apologize first because I despise confrontation and I don't really hold grudges. But lately I have been finding myself in situations where it's really hard to say sorry... Especially when I don't feel like I have done anything wrong.

BUT tonight... Well tonight I was wrong! I was a total jerk!!

I am beyond my limit of stress right now! It just seems like life keeps piling on top of my shoulders and I swear if one more thing gets dropped there I am gonna lose it!!

Ever feel like that?!

Realistically, I know that much more will be added to my ever growing pile because once one thing gets better something else happens. It's life and I will find a way to deal with it eventually. I usually do. But geeze! Is it too much to ask for a break!!

TIME OUT!!

Stop for just a quick second and let me catch my freaking breath already!!

I know I gotta get it under control because I am grumpy and snappy and just plain ugly sometimes and on nights like tonight, where I take the stupidest littlest thing and freak out about it and it leads to a huge fight with my husband over NOTHING at all, I feel guilty! (Feeling guilty is something else I despise, in case you were wondering!)

My husband "demanded" that I give him an apology tonight. This was after things cooled off and it was in a jokingly way but I just couldn't do it! I know I was was wrong. I know I lashed out at him for no reason and I said mean and ugly things that shouldn't have been said! I know I need to apologize but I couldn't! Call it pride, call it stubbornness, call it whatever you want but it is what it is!

Now that I have had time to think about it I will be waking him up to say sorry but it will be on my own terms. Not because he wanted me to!

You know what I find both humorous and irritating! When he told me that I had to apologize first HE knew I wouldn't!! The way he said it, the tone he used, the smirk on his face, was all very deliberate. It was intended for this very thing! For me to sit here at midnight stewing over the fact that he was right, the fact that he knows that I know he is right, and the fact that he knows I will wake him up and apologize because I hate going to sleep angry AND the fact that he will then gripe about how he has to work in the morning and I am depriving him of sleep just cause I finally swallowed my pride to say what he knew all along.

I know, it's sick isn't it?!?! :-| Men stink. They stink even more when they know you better then you know yourself most of the time!! What's a gal to do? Guess I better suck it up and get it over with.

Maybe it will teach me not to be a jerk because I am having a bad day.... Maybe, but I doubt it! :-P Good thing he loves me!

Being sick stinks!!

Yes I am whining!!!

Aren't I allowed to do that every now and again?

It all started with Colten!! All week last week he kept saying "I am not sick. I feel fine mom!!" All week I kept telling him he WAS sick and needed to rest so he could get better. Friday, I took him to the dr because he wouldn't stop coughing his head off. Low and behold he has a viral infection that is going around. Not much ya can do about that except deal with it. Oh joy!

2 days ago Caden starts running fever and his cough is getting increasingly worse. Same for Waylon.

Wanna guess who is sick now?!?!?!

DING DING DING!

You guess it right! ME! Ugh! I hate being sick! I hate it even more when I have to deal with 3 sick boys at the same time!

I have fever, my head is pounding, my nose is stuffy and I can't breathe! All I want to do it go to bed and sleep it off! But then Waylon, cute as a button even with his snotty nose, comes up to me and gives me the bite sign indicating that he is hungry....now! I say ok and wait another minute or two. Mr impatient (don't know where he gets that from) looks at me and realizes I obviously must have not understood what he was trying to say. He walks over to his high chair and proceeds to crawl inside. Once inside he looks at me as if to say, "Hey mom, do you get it now??!!" Yes, I get it little dude!! (Have I mentioned that he is ONLY almost 15 months old!)

I really do feel bad for them! They all feel just as icky as I do but they don't understand why! Poor Caden has been running super high temps and when his fever breaks he says, "MOM!!! I broke it again and it's pouring out! My pillow is soakin'!" Lmbo I shouldn't laugh but he is so serious when he says it!

So needless to say I am just crawling into bed. Medicine has been dispersed, temps have been checked and rechecked, and everyone has been made as comfortable as possible. Now if they could just stay asleep and sleep peacefully I will be a happy camper! But I am not holding my breath... It's already hard enough to breathe as it is!

Ok end of rant! :-) Good night my lovelies! I pray this sickness doesn't reach your home... And if your one of the ones that have been around lately and you do happen to get sick just remember... its Colten's fault! ;-)

It's 3am.....

Matchbox 20 it currently playing in my mind right now which was triggered by the title of this post. Beautifully random, I know.

I should be sleeping. I WAS sleeping until poor little Waylon woke up crying. His teeth are hurting again. I will be happy when all those molars finally come in. Poor little guy is cutting 3 of them all at once. He is doing fairly well considering.
After he woke up I gave him some Motrin and some momma cuddles and he went back to sleep but he is restless.

I should be sleeping since I will have a houseful of kids tomorrow. I invited Steph and Hails to come over and hang out with the kids since its spring break for them and we aren't doing much. Katie and Cade were super excited. I haven't been able to spend as much time as I would like with them so I am excited too! I am contemplating braving the library with all 5 of them....Ill let you know how that goes. Lol

There is SO much bouncing around in my head all at once right now and I need to get it all out but have no clue where to start. I am positive it would be just one jumbled mess when it was over. So I'll take it one post at a time and eventually it may all start to make sense. ( aren't you excited for what's to come, friends? Haha)

Here is just a few of the potential topics you have to look forward to:

Katie's new adventure
The boys and baseball
School updates
Changes....Yes, just one more time!!!
Colten's quickly approaching 14th birthday
Waylon's 1st bday post... Haha a little late
Getting healthy...Or not
Glow Rush
Lost Dutchman Days
Burned Bridges...Charred or slightly singed?
Why must I stress?
The Brutal Truth
Unanswered Questions...Do I really want to know?
What's Driving Me?!

There's more... I am sure there it. So yeah, stay tuned....

For now I must turn off my brain (and my phone) and get some sleep. After I play one last game of Candy Crush, of course! ;-)

Searching For My Revalation

Have you ever had someone tell you something you already know but don't want to accept? Something that you know inside your heart that you need to do but for whatever reason you continue to ignore it? Yeah, it's annoying isn't it!

I have a lot of issues from my past that unfortunately affect me right here in the present. Things that have happened that I have accepted and thought I had moved on from but in reality I have not. Forgiving and forgetting are two very different things and as I have realized in the last few days I have done neither of them very successfully.

I do a great job at ignoring things I don't want to deal with. I tend to build up a wall, toss myself behind it and take comfort in the delusional thought that it doesn't exist anymore therefore it cant hurt me. As you can imagine that doesn't work out very well. Sure, it acts as a band-aid and does the job for the time being but, like with any wound, unless you clean it out and get rid of all the infection it will continue to fester and eventually lead to bigger problems. 

As much as I want this particular issue to go away and as much as I try to ignore it there is ALWAYS a trigger that punches me in the face when I am least expecting it. That is what happened to me this past weekend. Just a normal fun filled day with the family, not thinking about anything except the things we had planned to do that day and then BAM!!! This trigger happened to be in the form of a person. Someone I like and have no problem with at all but, because of a close tie between them and this past issue, everything that I have been trying to ignore came rushing back in full force. 

It really stinks when this happens because I turn into an ugly person. I lash out verbally, mostly at my husband. I bring everything out and force us to relive a time that we both had thought we put behind us. It's not pretty and it is not fair, for either of us. Then the guilt sets in and it makes me feel a hundred times worse. Why do I have a right to be so angry? I have been the cause of the same type of pain and issues as the ones I am facing right now. How dare I dwell on what happened to me when he doesn't dwell on what happened to him?! Ugh! It is an ugly, vicious cycle and I really just want it to STOP!!! How do I make it just stop?

***Wrong question to ask unless you REALLY want to know the answer.***

On Monday I was feeling overwhelmed. I had a stupid dream and it was just playing on my emotions from the weekend. I sent a text message to a close friend that simply said "I am in a funk this morning!" She asked if I had time to listen to something and I said yes. She sent me over a sermon her pastor gave on Sunday. She said that she didn't understand at the time but that I was heavy on her heart the whole time he was giving it. I will tell you that it is about 45 minutes long but it is WELL worth the time to listen. It was exactly what I needed to hear and even though I am struggling to find my path back to God right now it hit home and it hit hard!

I should probably tell you that I have been friends with this person for a LONG time. She knows me very well and she is pretty familiar with my issues. We are a lot alike in most aspects of our lives. I joke that she is always "in my head" because usually when I fail to find the words to explain something the way I want to she has them and vise versa. She often has been my voice of reason or the part of my brain that tells me what I already know but refuse to admit. Lately, I feel like I have been keeping her at a distance because of the struggle I mentioned above. *That's a whole other post that will come when I figure it all out* I do this because I know that God uses her to help me make sense of everything that is going on in my life and right now I am just not ready for that! Frankly, I just don't want to hear it. Sadly, I think I avoid having in depth conversations with her because of this. I know that is very sad! :-(

As we all know though, if God want's us to hear something we are going to hear it one way or another! On Monday, I thanked her and other then normal random text messages we didn't really talk...until yesterday. I was having some issues with my iPhone. It was frustrating me and before calling Verizon I decided I would call this friend to see what she did when she had the same problem. A quick and easy call that would surely not go to deep. HAHAHA Yeah right! Somehow our conversation about my phone resulted in exactly what I didn't want but what I obviously needed. Truth, anger, tears, and acceptance.

Every since our conversation I have been forced to think about my issue. About how I am dealing not dealing with it. She used the sermon and Pastor Johns examples of the mosaic and how I am holding onto and focusing on one little broken piece of the whole picture. She suggested that I needed to just open my hand and let it go. Let God have it and use that part of my story to glorify Him. She is right!! I KNOW she is right because those were the EXACT thoughts that brought me to tears when I watched the sermon on Monday! I KNOW what I need to do but HOW do I do that??!!

Don't ever ask someone that you know is gonna tell you what you don't want to hear that question! The moment I said it I wanted to take it back. I knew what her answer was going to be and I DID NOT want to hear it. I did not want to hear one of my best friends tell me that I had to do the one thing I KNOW I can not do! I mean I physically and emotionally am not capable of doing it!!! So much so that it hurts to even think about it! Her exact words to me were, "Am, the only way to let it go is to forgive her!" SERIOUSLY??!! Someone please tell me how the hell I am supposed to forgive someone that I hate??!! Oh My Goodness!!! 

I was angry! I told my friend that I didn't like her very much and at that moment it was true! I did not like her because she spoke the words that I have tried very hard not to even think. Words and a concept that hurt to think about! What hurts worse is that she is right! I know she is 100% right. The only way for me to let go of this part of my past, this part of my brokenness and pain, is to forgive the person that caused it. Not just say I forgive her but to wholeheartedly, with everything inside me, finally drop that broken piece and forgive her.

This is a hard thing to do friends, and I am truly struggling with it. I know it needs to happen but I am weak and am having trouble surrendering. I also know that I don't want this to affect my happiness anymore. I don't want it to be a shadow that hangs over my marriage and I know that I am the only one that can change that. I am working on it. That's the best I can do right now. 

In the mean time I am thankful for the patience of my husband and his willingness to understand and to support me through this. We have come SO far in our relationship and have grown SO much. It makes it a little easier when I can look at us and know that we are not the same people we were before. I am also thankful for my close friends and their willingness to listen to me whine and cry and still love and support me. Even when I write a blog about how much I don't like one of them for making me face my daemons and being a voice of reason and truth! (You know I really do love you!!) I know that God places people in our lives for a reason and I am very thankful for the special people he has brought into mine. 

Do yourself a favor and listen to Pastor John's sermon. It is powerful and it will help! Have you ever had to forgive someone that hurt you? How did you handle that situation? I would love to hear your story if your willing to share.