Have you ever heard the expression, "bend until you break"?
I often wonder when that breaking point is. How much is too much?
Sometimes everything piles on and you don't really know if it's ever going to stop. You ask, "Lord, how much more will you ask me to endure?" and your met with silence. What is one to do? How are you supposed to lean and bend when you feel like just one more fraction of an inch will be the last straw?
In your heart you know the answer to that question. You know that satan in playing on your weaknesses. You know that he takes satisfaction in your sorrow and loneliness. You know that you are letting him win. You KNOW!!!
What you don't know is how to pull yourself up out of darkness when you have days that feel like a dark cloud is looming over you. You don't know how to over come that. In the back of your mind you hear that still small voice saying "praise Me anyways!!!" and you do! You shout Praise to Him and you emerge yourself in Him but somehow you fall short. Then what?
I want to be the strong oak tree. The one that is known for it's ability to be pushed, shoved, and bent but never breaks. The one that, after the storm is over, will stand up straight again and flourish.
***I am joining the amazing group of ladies for FIVE MINUTE FRIDAY. Hop on over to Lisa-Jo Bakers blog and check it out. It's life changing.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Fear...such an ugly word!
"Fear does not come from God huh mom? Fear comes from satan. And by being afraid it's kinda like we are letting satan win, right?"
These are my 10 year old daughters words. She was referring to her struggle with staying in her bed all night due to being scared but the impact of these words hit so close to home for me that it was like God was speaking right to me. She is one hundred percent correct. Fear is not from God. Why does it take hearing this from my daughter to get it to finally sink in?
Our conversation progressed that day and she came to the conclusion that she was not going to let satan win anymore. She was going to believe that God would not let anything happen to her and she was going to stay in her bed all night long. She is currently working on that and is making progress but she still ends up in my floor sometimes. I think the main thing is that she is trying. She is taking a stand against her fear and she is trusting God to help her through it! It inspires me to let go some of my fear too.
A couple of days ago I asked a close friend of mine why she thinks I have procrastinated in switching colleges from my AZ college to a local college here in TX. The conversation changed before I could get a solid reason from her but in truth, I think I already knew.
I am scared. I don't like change! I find a groove and I slip into it and even though I need the change, even though I want the change I hesitate because fear consumes me and I start playing the what-if game. What if it's harder out here, what if I can't find a sitter for Waylon, what if I end up failing and not reaching my ultimate goal?
Another situation has recently brought back old fears of mine. Fears of rejection. I have this urge to get to know a part of my family that until recently I knew very little about. I have always longed to know more and now that the oppertunity has presented itself again I get slammed with more what-ifs. What is they hate me? What if some of them don't accept me? What if it's too late?
And then Katie's sweet words fill my head "Fear is not from God!" and I feel nothing but guilt and anger for allowing satan to control me like that! You see I too have learned a few things and I KNOW that without a doubt the harder satan pushes me away from something the better it's going to be when I push right back and shut him down! I am reminded that God already knows the outcome of all of this and that He will not ever let me down!!! As long as I hold on to my faith and allow Him to work in my life then I have nothing to fear!
I refuse to let satan win by allowing fear to keep me from doing something!! Today I called NCTC and got stuff sorted out to meet with an advisor. I have also made the decision to take this new situation and these new people that are coming into my life and embrace them. I am going to set my fear aside and trust in Gods timing and not ask questions like what-if or why! There is a reason for everything and Gods timing is always spot on. I will no longer doubt that!!
I am in awe that God can use a conversation from over a month ago and the words of a child to open my eyes! I am so thankful for all the things that He is doing in mine and my family's life and I just felt the need to shout about it!!
Friday, September 20, 2013
Five Minute Friday: She
Today I am linking up with Lisa-Jo and the ladies over at Five Minute Friday. It's a community of bloggers who come together every Friday to write unedited for five minutes on a given prompt. Head on over, check things out, and join us!
Today's word: She
It has been a couple weeks since I have done a FMF. Life has a way of getting away from me and time flies right out the window. Just a few minutes ago I was sitting at the kitchen counter cutting toast in half for my little guy thinking about the million things I have to do before I leave on my mini mommy vacation. I gave the baby his toast and said "make sure you eat it all...the crust will make your teeth strong!" I froze and immediately a smile spread across my face. A very strong memory of my childhood came rushing back and I was overwhelmed with emotions. Bittersweet emotions.
She was one of the most influential people in my life. I have slowly come to realize this as the things she taught me come out through the way I raise my own children. Like today with the toast, she used to tell me that! I was so little and I remember thinking that was the most crazy thing I have ever hear....but I ate the crust just in case! She was strong, so very strong, both in will and determination. She was a fire cracker who enjoyed nothing more then giving everyone crap....mostly me! She could hold her own against anyone that dare go against her. She was good for a laugh too. She was easy to get riled up and close family knew how to do that well. Once you got her going there was no stopping her either. When it she did eventually wind down it would usually end with her calling everyone "damned fools" and her retreating back to her beloved chair.
I remember one time we she was living with me and we were having a birthday party for my daughter who was turning 3. We had lots of friends and family over. (including my husbands grandma who was very churchy.) My brother in law thought it would be funny to get her going and somehow started a conversation about my husband and I having another baby, which was not true! I was in school at the time and had no intentions of having another baby. He told her that I was trying to get pregnant. She argued that I wasn't but he insisted. I tried to tell her he was being funny but she wouldn't hear it. She jumped up out of her chair and in front on everyone said, "Nicka you BETTER not be trying to get knocked up!!" then she looks right at my husband and says, "you better be using those things, those condom things!!!" The house roared with laughter but my husband and I were SO embarrassed. I was worried Randy's grandma would be offended but by the end of the night she was chit chatting away and said she had a great time before leaving.
She was one of my most favorite people whom I loved more then anything and every day here with out her stinks. But I am comforted by knowing that little things like making toast for my kids will remind me of her and in turn set off a chain reaction of memories (that will most like lead to a blog post like this one haha) that somehow pushes through the tears and makes me smile. I take comfort in knowing that despite how ornery she was she knew her God and one day I will see her again....then she can yell at me once more.
She is my grandma Betty. She is one I will carry in my heart and my memories for the rest of my days!
Today's word: She
It has been a couple weeks since I have done a FMF. Life has a way of getting away from me and time flies right out the window. Just a few minutes ago I was sitting at the kitchen counter cutting toast in half for my little guy thinking about the million things I have to do before I leave on my mini mommy vacation. I gave the baby his toast and said "make sure you eat it all...the crust will make your teeth strong!" I froze and immediately a smile spread across my face. A very strong memory of my childhood came rushing back and I was overwhelmed with emotions. Bittersweet emotions.
She was one of the most influential people in my life. I have slowly come to realize this as the things she taught me come out through the way I raise my own children. Like today with the toast, she used to tell me that! I was so little and I remember thinking that was the most crazy thing I have ever hear....but I ate the crust just in case! She was strong, so very strong, both in will and determination. She was a fire cracker who enjoyed nothing more then giving everyone crap....mostly me! She could hold her own against anyone that dare go against her. She was good for a laugh too. She was easy to get riled up and close family knew how to do that well. Once you got her going there was no stopping her either. When it she did eventually wind down it would usually end with her calling everyone "damned fools" and her retreating back to her beloved chair.
I remember one time we she was living with me and we were having a birthday party for my daughter who was turning 3. We had lots of friends and family over. (including my husbands grandma who was very churchy.) My brother in law thought it would be funny to get her going and somehow started a conversation about my husband and I having another baby, which was not true! I was in school at the time and had no intentions of having another baby. He told her that I was trying to get pregnant. She argued that I wasn't but he insisted. I tried to tell her he was being funny but she wouldn't hear it. She jumped up out of her chair and in front on everyone said, "Nicka you BETTER not be trying to get knocked up!!" then she looks right at my husband and says, "you better be using those things, those condom things!!!" The house roared with laughter but my husband and I were SO embarrassed. I was worried Randy's grandma would be offended but by the end of the night she was chit chatting away and said she had a great time before leaving.
She was one of my most favorite people whom I loved more then anything and every day here with out her stinks. But I am comforted by knowing that little things like making toast for my kids will remind me of her and in turn set off a chain reaction of memories (that will most like lead to a blog post like this one haha) that somehow pushes through the tears and makes me smile. I take comfort in knowing that despite how ornery she was she knew her God and one day I will see her again....then she can yell at me once more.
She is my grandma Betty. She is one I will carry in my heart and my memories for the rest of my days!
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| Grandma Betty with my oldest....2000 |
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Mommy Meltdown
In just a few short hours I will be waking the kids up to get ready for their first day of school. There will be whining because they don't want to wake up and I am sure that at least one of them will refuse to eat breakfast. Katie and I will most definitely argue over her outfit because I know even though we spent an hour picking out the perfect look tonight she will change her mind by morning. There will be a mix or nervousness and excitement and happiness over the new. And as happy I am for them I am even more sad.
There I said it! I am sad that tomorrow will be here so soon. Yes, I have on several occasions asked "how long before school starts?" this summer but now that its here I find myself truly sad.
Maybe it's because my little cowboy is starting Kindergarten! Or that Buggy is actually going to be a 5th grader. I am almost positive that Colten starting his freshman yeah of high school has something to do with it!!
The reality of all of that just hit me and here I am bawling my eyes out as I type this. I am sure I will get over it but I find myself thinking about something I have heard many many times in the past. "Enjoy them now because soon they will be all grown up and you will miss it."
Ohh how true is this statement?!?! I mean I still have many years of the crazy chaos of young kids and I am already freakish out. Seriously though, where has the time gone? Where did the days of watching PB&J (who remembers this cartoon) and teaching Colten is ABC's go? I could swear this was just a few months ago. And all of a sudden here he is entering the crazy world of High School. Starting this new adventure, new chapter, of his life. In just 4 short years he will be off to college and out into the world and he won't need me anymore! Ugh!!! Such a horrible thought!
And Katie is SO darn independent already that it isn't even funny! The other day she was mouthing off, being typical Katie, and I wanted to beat her but instead I grabbed her and gave her a hug. I realized then that she is getting too big. How long has it been since I have held her close and cuddled her like I do Waylon? It's so much more complicated when they get older and they are too "cool" to love on their Mommas! Later that day we were watching a movie and I was laying on the couch. She came and laid next to me and fell asleep. I didn't want to move. I just wanted to relish in the moment and remember back to when this was not such a big deal.
Caden is the same way just not as bad... yet! I can still steal snuggle time from him occasionally and he isn't too shy about giving me hugs or kisses. I pray that doesn't go away too soon.
I am not sure what my point is for this post. I know it's nonsense but with all the emotion I have swirling inside me right now I had to get it out. The theme for today has been "Making Memories". It's been everywhere from church to FB to music I have listened to today. Maybe it's Gods way of telling me that even though I feel like my lovelies are growing up to fast and that I am losing them that it's not really the case. I have many many memories that we have made with them and many many many more to come and that I need to focus on that instead of what I feel like I am losing.
Easier said then done huh?!
Well I guess I am gonna just have to "suck it up buttercup" and deal with it. I know that great things lie ahead for all of my children and I am excited for them! For the plan God has for their lives. I just gotta learn how to let go a little and know that they are not going to stay little forever no matter how much I want them to.
Ill work on it.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Hola...
YAWN!!!!! STREEEETCH! Yawn again as thoughts of how comfortable my bed must feel right now pass through my fuzzy head! I need coffee. A lot of coffee!
I am so tired this morning. Idealistically I would still be sleeping but with six kids running around I am pretty sure that isn't going to happen!
I TRIED to go to sleep early last night. By early I mean 11ish. Yeah that didn't happen. Once again my tendency to procrastinate got the best of me and of course nothing went right when I finally got what needed to be done finished. After a few hours of panic, confusion, and frustration we (my mother in law and I) figured it out. I think by the time I finally climbed into bed it was somewhere around 2:30ish.
YAWN
I am actually kind of bummed out about it. I had planned on getting up early. By early I mean 6. This is the last week of vacation for the kids and I am trying to get them in school schedule mode. Also, classes start for me today and I wanted to get a jump start on that. But the biggest reason why I wanted to get up early is because today is the first day of the fall bible study that I joined through Hello Mornings. I am really excited about this study and actually wanted to get up and enjoy some alone time with the bible and God. Totally not the way I wanted it to go but I was only an hour late getting up and I did get what I needed to get done so that's a good thing right? Tomorrow is a new day and I am sure that by the time bed time rolls around I will be more then happy to climb into bed.
Life is about to get a little crazy around here. Yeah I know what your thinking...how much crazier can it get?! HAHA With school starting next week and baseball/softball for Colten and Katie on top of my classes, church, and whatever else falls into our laps it is bound to get interesting. I will try to keep ya up to date on how it's going.
Wish us luck and pray for us! Me especially! LOL I can't believe that I am gonna have a Freshman, a 5th grader, and a Kindergartner this year! That's crazy and a whole other blog post lol.
Happy Monday friends!!!
I am so tired this morning. Idealistically I would still be sleeping but with six kids running around I am pretty sure that isn't going to happen!
I TRIED to go to sleep early last night. By early I mean 11ish. Yeah that didn't happen. Once again my tendency to procrastinate got the best of me and of course nothing went right when I finally got what needed to be done finished. After a few hours of panic, confusion, and frustration we (my mother in law and I) figured it out. I think by the time I finally climbed into bed it was somewhere around 2:30ish.
YAWN
I am actually kind of bummed out about it. I had planned on getting up early. By early I mean 6. This is the last week of vacation for the kids and I am trying to get them in school schedule mode. Also, classes start for me today and I wanted to get a jump start on that. But the biggest reason why I wanted to get up early is because today is the first day of the fall bible study that I joined through Hello Mornings. I am really excited about this study and actually wanted to get up and enjoy some alone time with the bible and God. Totally not the way I wanted it to go but I was only an hour late getting up and I did get what I needed to get done so that's a good thing right? Tomorrow is a new day and I am sure that by the time bed time rolls around I will be more then happy to climb into bed.
Life is about to get a little crazy around here. Yeah I know what your thinking...how much crazier can it get?! HAHA With school starting next week and baseball/softball for Colten and Katie on top of my classes, church, and whatever else falls into our laps it is bound to get interesting. I will try to keep ya up to date on how it's going.
Wish us luck and pray for us! Me especially! LOL I can't believe that I am gonna have a Freshman, a 5th grader, and a Kindergartner this year! That's crazy and a whole other blog post lol.
Happy Monday friends!!!
Friday, August 16, 2013
Five Minute Friday: Small
Today's prompt is: Small
GO:
Small.....hmmmm. My mind goes to everything that is no longer small.
For example, my children. With my oldest going into high school this year comes a huge reality check for me. I worry about him. I worry about the struggles he will face and the challenges that he will over come. None of which will be small.
I wonder if I have done my job as a parent well enough to keep him from
We have been trying so hard to surround the kids in God. To dive in deep and grab a hold of the promises He has for us. To give them a good solid foundation to stand on when the are faced with the bad things in this world that are sure to be there...especially in high school.
Have we done a good enough job or were our efforts too small?
I guess, once again, I am forced to put everything in God's hands. Those are something that are NEVER to small! I know that the plan that He has for our lives, our futures, is going to be HUGE and I take comfort in that. I hold on to that...because I know that even if I fall short He wont!
STOP
I am linking up with Lisa-Jo and hundreds of other bloggers today for Five Minute Friday. Head on over to over check it out and join us!
Friday, August 2, 2013
Five Minute Friday: Story
Today's prompt is: Story
GO:
Everyone has a story.
Some are good and some bad. Some are way too short and some are amazingly long.
The life you live is your story. New chapters are always in the making. There is beauty and there is tragedy and all of that is what makes our stories unique.
I think I have a great story and my goal for this blog is to share that with you all. As most of you that have read this blog before already know...it ain't always pretty! But I think that's the greatest part about it. You can see the bad stuff, read about it through these posts and then you can see how amazing God is and how He has picked me up and lead me to the good stuff.
That is what I want. I want you to see this. I want you to know that as unique as your story is there is always someone out there that can relate in some way or another. I know that I am not alone in my struggles, even though satan likes to try to convince me of this sometimes. My thought process is that someone will read my words and get something from my story. (even if it is just a laugh)
STOP
It has been a couple of weeks since I have joined Lisa-Jo because life got a little hectic but I am back and boy have I missed it. Head on over to her site and check out what Five Minute Friday is all about, then join us!
I think I have a great story and my goal for this blog is to share that with you all. As most of you that have read this blog before already know...it ain't always pretty! But I think that's the greatest part about it. You can see the bad stuff, read about it through these posts and then you can see how amazing God is and how He has picked me up and lead me to the good stuff.
That is what I want. I want you to see this. I want you to know that as unique as your story is there is always someone out there that can relate in some way or another. I know that I am not alone in my struggles, even though satan likes to try to convince me of this sometimes. My thought process is that someone will read my words and get something from my story. (even if it is just a laugh)
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| **Photo does not belong to me..I have no rights to it. Thank you Google image search! |
STOP
It has been a couple of weeks since I have joined Lisa-Jo because life got a little hectic but I am back and boy have I missed it. Head on over to her site and check out what Five Minute Friday is all about, then join us!
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