I am a jerk!

I am stubborn!
I am hardheaded!
I am mean!
I am (not usually) easily angered a lot lately!!
I don't do we'll with change.
I don't do we'll with stress.
I don't do we'll with not having control of a situation I feel like I should control. (Like my whole life right now)
I don't do well when there is not a plan set in place... Or a back up plan.
I have to analyze the "what ifs" and prepare for them.
I lash out, usually at the ones closest to me.(Mainly my husband)

Put all of my bad qualities together and you get a jerk! Add in the fact that I don't deal with it all and would rather push it down until the silliest thing sets me off like a time bomb and you get the ugly side of me! (Those that know me really well can't attest that it is not pretty at all!)

I am usually ALWAYS the one to apologize first because I despise confrontation and I don't really hold grudges. But lately I have been finding myself in situations where it's really hard to say sorry... Especially when I don't feel like I have done anything wrong.

BUT tonight... Well tonight I was wrong! I was a total jerk!!

I am beyond my limit of stress right now! It just seems like life keeps piling on top of my shoulders and I swear if one more thing gets dropped there I am gonna lose it!!

Ever feel like that?!

Realistically, I know that much more will be added to my ever growing pile because once one thing gets better something else happens. It's life and I will find a way to deal with it eventually. I usually do. But geeze! Is it too much to ask for a break!!

TIME OUT!!

Stop for just a quick second and let me catch my freaking breath already!!

I know I gotta get it under control because I am grumpy and snappy and just plain ugly sometimes and on nights like tonight, where I take the stupidest littlest thing and freak out about it and it leads to a huge fight with my husband over NOTHING at all, I feel guilty! (Feeling guilty is something else I despise, in case you were wondering!)

My husband "demanded" that I give him an apology tonight. This was after things cooled off and it was in a jokingly way but I just couldn't do it! I know I was was wrong. I know I lashed out at him for no reason and I said mean and ugly things that shouldn't have been said! I know I need to apologize but I couldn't! Call it pride, call it stubbornness, call it whatever you want but it is what it is!

Now that I have had time to think about it I will be waking him up to say sorry but it will be on my own terms. Not because he wanted me to!

You know what I find both humorous and irritating! When he told me that I had to apologize first HE knew I wouldn't!! The way he said it, the tone he used, the smirk on his face, was all very deliberate. It was intended for this very thing! For me to sit here at midnight stewing over the fact that he was right, the fact that he knows that I know he is right, and the fact that he knows I will wake him up and apologize because I hate going to sleep angry AND the fact that he will then gripe about how he has to work in the morning and I am depriving him of sleep just cause I finally swallowed my pride to say what he knew all along.

I know, it's sick isn't it?!?! :-| Men stink. They stink even more when they know you better then you know yourself most of the time!! What's a gal to do? Guess I better suck it up and get it over with.

Maybe it will teach me not to be a jerk because I am having a bad day.... Maybe, but I doubt it! :-P Good thing he loves me!

Being sick stinks!!

Yes I am whining!!!

Aren't I allowed to do that every now and again?

It all started with Colten!! All week last week he kept saying "I am not sick. I feel fine mom!!" All week I kept telling him he WAS sick and needed to rest so he could get better. Friday, I took him to the dr because he wouldn't stop coughing his head off. Low and behold he has a viral infection that is going around. Not much ya can do about that except deal with it. Oh joy!

2 days ago Caden starts running fever and his cough is getting increasingly worse. Same for Waylon.

Wanna guess who is sick now?!?!?!

DING DING DING!

You guess it right! ME! Ugh! I hate being sick! I hate it even more when I have to deal with 3 sick boys at the same time!

I have fever, my head is pounding, my nose is stuffy and I can't breathe! All I want to do it go to bed and sleep it off! But then Waylon, cute as a button even with his snotty nose, comes up to me and gives me the bite sign indicating that he is hungry....now! I say ok and wait another minute or two. Mr impatient (don't know where he gets that from) looks at me and realizes I obviously must have not understood what he was trying to say. He walks over to his high chair and proceeds to crawl inside. Once inside he looks at me as if to say, "Hey mom, do you get it now??!!" Yes, I get it little dude!! (Have I mentioned that he is ONLY almost 15 months old!)

I really do feel bad for them! They all feel just as icky as I do but they don't understand why! Poor Caden has been running super high temps and when his fever breaks he says, "MOM!!! I broke it again and it's pouring out! My pillow is soakin'!" Lmbo I shouldn't laugh but he is so serious when he says it!

So needless to say I am just crawling into bed. Medicine has been dispersed, temps have been checked and rechecked, and everyone has been made as comfortable as possible. Now if they could just stay asleep and sleep peacefully I will be a happy camper! But I am not holding my breath... It's already hard enough to breathe as it is!

Ok end of rant! :-) Good night my lovelies! I pray this sickness doesn't reach your home... And if your one of the ones that have been around lately and you do happen to get sick just remember... its Colten's fault! ;-)

It's 3am.....

Matchbox 20 it currently playing in my mind right now which was triggered by the title of this post. Beautifully random, I know.

I should be sleeping. I WAS sleeping until poor little Waylon woke up crying. His teeth are hurting again. I will be happy when all those molars finally come in. Poor little guy is cutting 3 of them all at once. He is doing fairly well considering.
After he woke up I gave him some Motrin and some momma cuddles and he went back to sleep but he is restless.

I should be sleeping since I will have a houseful of kids tomorrow. I invited Steph and Hails to come over and hang out with the kids since its spring break for them and we aren't doing much. Katie and Cade were super excited. I haven't been able to spend as much time as I would like with them so I am excited too! I am contemplating braving the library with all 5 of them....Ill let you know how that goes. Lol

There is SO much bouncing around in my head all at once right now and I need to get it all out but have no clue where to start. I am positive it would be just one jumbled mess when it was over. So I'll take it one post at a time and eventually it may all start to make sense. ( aren't you excited for what's to come, friends? Haha)

Here is just a few of the potential topics you have to look forward to:

Katie's new adventure
The boys and baseball
School updates
Changes....Yes, just one more time!!!
Colten's quickly approaching 14th birthday
Waylon's 1st bday post... Haha a little late
Getting healthy...Or not
Glow Rush
Lost Dutchman Days
Burned Bridges...Charred or slightly singed?
Why must I stress?
The Brutal Truth
Unanswered Questions...Do I really want to know?
What's Driving Me?!

There's more... I am sure there it. So yeah, stay tuned....

For now I must turn off my brain (and my phone) and get some sleep. After I play one last game of Candy Crush, of course! ;-)

Searching For My Revalation

Have you ever had someone tell you something you already know but don't want to accept? Something that you know inside your heart that you need to do but for whatever reason you continue to ignore it? Yeah, it's annoying isn't it!

I have a lot of issues from my past that unfortunately affect me right here in the present. Things that have happened that I have accepted and thought I had moved on from but in reality I have not. Forgiving and forgetting are two very different things and as I have realized in the last few days I have done neither of them very successfully.

I do a great job at ignoring things I don't want to deal with. I tend to build up a wall, toss myself behind it and take comfort in the delusional thought that it doesn't exist anymore therefore it cant hurt me. As you can imagine that doesn't work out very well. Sure, it acts as a band-aid and does the job for the time being but, like with any wound, unless you clean it out and get rid of all the infection it will continue to fester and eventually lead to bigger problems. 

As much as I want this particular issue to go away and as much as I try to ignore it there is ALWAYS a trigger that punches me in the face when I am least expecting it. That is what happened to me this past weekend. Just a normal fun filled day with the family, not thinking about anything except the things we had planned to do that day and then BAM!!! This trigger happened to be in the form of a person. Someone I like and have no problem with at all but, because of a close tie between them and this past issue, everything that I have been trying to ignore came rushing back in full force. 

It really stinks when this happens because I turn into an ugly person. I lash out verbally, mostly at my husband. I bring everything out and force us to relive a time that we both had thought we put behind us. It's not pretty and it is not fair, for either of us. Then the guilt sets in and it makes me feel a hundred times worse. Why do I have a right to be so angry? I have been the cause of the same type of pain and issues as the ones I am facing right now. How dare I dwell on what happened to me when he doesn't dwell on what happened to him?! Ugh! It is an ugly, vicious cycle and I really just want it to STOP!!! How do I make it just stop?

***Wrong question to ask unless you REALLY want to know the answer.***

On Monday I was feeling overwhelmed. I had a stupid dream and it was just playing on my emotions from the weekend. I sent a text message to a close friend that simply said "I am in a funk this morning!" She asked if I had time to listen to something and I said yes. She sent me over a sermon her pastor gave on Sunday. She said that she didn't understand at the time but that I was heavy on her heart the whole time he was giving it. I will tell you that it is about 45 minutes long but it is WELL worth the time to listen. It was exactly what I needed to hear and even though I am struggling to find my path back to God right now it hit home and it hit hard!

I should probably tell you that I have been friends with this person for a LONG time. She knows me very well and she is pretty familiar with my issues. We are a lot alike in most aspects of our lives. I joke that she is always "in my head" because usually when I fail to find the words to explain something the way I want to she has them and vise versa. She often has been my voice of reason or the part of my brain that tells me what I already know but refuse to admit. Lately, I feel like I have been keeping her at a distance because of the struggle I mentioned above. *That's a whole other post that will come when I figure it all out* I do this because I know that God uses her to help me make sense of everything that is going on in my life and right now I am just not ready for that! Frankly, I just don't want to hear it. Sadly, I think I avoid having in depth conversations with her because of this. I know that is very sad! :-(

As we all know though, if God want's us to hear something we are going to hear it one way or another! On Monday, I thanked her and other then normal random text messages we didn't really talk...until yesterday. I was having some issues with my iPhone. It was frustrating me and before calling Verizon I decided I would call this friend to see what she did when she had the same problem. A quick and easy call that would surely not go to deep. HAHAHA Yeah right! Somehow our conversation about my phone resulted in exactly what I didn't want but what I obviously needed. Truth, anger, tears, and acceptance.

Every since our conversation I have been forced to think about my issue. About how I am dealing not dealing with it. She used the sermon and Pastor Johns examples of the mosaic and how I am holding onto and focusing on one little broken piece of the whole picture. She suggested that I needed to just open my hand and let it go. Let God have it and use that part of my story to glorify Him. She is right!! I KNOW she is right because those were the EXACT thoughts that brought me to tears when I watched the sermon on Monday! I KNOW what I need to do but HOW do I do that??!!

Don't ever ask someone that you know is gonna tell you what you don't want to hear that question! The moment I said it I wanted to take it back. I knew what her answer was going to be and I DID NOT want to hear it. I did not want to hear one of my best friends tell me that I had to do the one thing I KNOW I can not do! I mean I physically and emotionally am not capable of doing it!!! So much so that it hurts to even think about it! Her exact words to me were, "Am, the only way to let it go is to forgive her!" SERIOUSLY??!! Someone please tell me how the hell I am supposed to forgive someone that I hate??!! Oh My Goodness!!! 

I was angry! I told my friend that I didn't like her very much and at that moment it was true! I did not like her because she spoke the words that I have tried very hard not to even think. Words and a concept that hurt to think about! What hurts worse is that she is right! I know she is 100% right. The only way for me to let go of this part of my past, this part of my brokenness and pain, is to forgive the person that caused it. Not just say I forgive her but to wholeheartedly, with everything inside me, finally drop that broken piece and forgive her.

This is a hard thing to do friends, and I am truly struggling with it. I know it needs to happen but I am weak and am having trouble surrendering. I also know that I don't want this to affect my happiness anymore. I don't want it to be a shadow that hangs over my marriage and I know that I am the only one that can change that. I am working on it. That's the best I can do right now. 

In the mean time I am thankful for the patience of my husband and his willingness to understand and to support me through this. We have come SO far in our relationship and have grown SO much. It makes it a little easier when I can look at us and know that we are not the same people we were before. I am also thankful for my close friends and their willingness to listen to me whine and cry and still love and support me. Even when I write a blog about how much I don't like one of them for making me face my daemons and being a voice of reason and truth! (You know I really do love you!!) I know that God places people in our lives for a reason and I am very thankful for the special people he has brought into mine. 

Do yourself a favor and listen to Pastor John's sermon. It is powerful and it will help! Have you ever had to forgive someone that hurt you? How did you handle that situation? I would love to hear your story if your willing to share.  

  

A Successful Failure

Yep, I have fallen victim to the statistics of the New Years "Goals" or resolution breakers. Unfortunately! HAHA.

I have completely failed at blogging more! Here we are, almost at the end of February, and I have posted a record breaking 2 times! I rock! 

I just wanted to let y'all know that I am still alive and I DO have a few posts brewing in my head. Life, kids, and school have taken over all of my free time but I will carve out some time to updated y'all soon.

Stay tuned friends, it will be worth it.


XOXO
  

Feeling Thankful

I took the kids to the doctor today. They all had check-ups. It was kind of funny because the waiting room was full and when they called "Tipton" all 5 of us get up and walk toward the door. I caught a glimpse of a couple faces and reality hit me...I am totally THAT mom. You know, the one that everyone stares at and thinks, "Doesn't she know what causes that?" Haha I sort of smiled to myself because I can recall thinking similar thoughts when I have seen a mom with a bunch of kids out and about.

Anyways, we were super special and got two MA's to divide and concur the task of checking in, vitals, and rooming. It was a little chaotic to say the least. Then they room us!!! All 4 of my kids in a 15x10 room! HAHAHAHAH Are these people crazy?! Do they expect there to be walls left by they time we leave?!

Our Doctor, or as the kids call her, Brittney, came in with her intern making this little room feel smaller then it already does which makes this claustrophobic momma start feeling uncomfortable. :-/ They jumped right in though. Brittney made them all sit on the table in order and went down the line. One of the many reasons why I love this Dr is because she is SO great with the kids. (She is actually is a PA) If she has a question she asks them rather then me. She doesn't make them feel like just another kid she sees. She actually involves them, takes the time to joke around and ask about sports and kid stuff. She is very thorough too! So FYI if your looking for a pediatrician her name is Brittney Snow and she is at Canyon Pediatrics on Baseline between Gilbert and Lindsay.

Ok now back to the original topic. All the kids are doing wonderful! Happy and healthy and a-ok! They did have to get shots though. Colten got 2. Caden got 3 and poor little Waylon got 5! :-( I could totally tell that Cade was scared and when they went to take his pants off to give him his shots in the thigh he told her no. I had to explain that it was ok. The MA asked me to restrain him while she did it. He didn't like that but he didn't cry! Once he was done he got pretty quiet for awhile. (For Cade that's a good indication that something is wrong!)

Waylon's turn and of course he cried. After the first two I had to make the other kids leave the room. It's very sweet that they all go into protective mode for their little brother but they were making it worse. He was screaming and Caden was saying, "It's ok Waylon, be tough!" but in a sad voice making Waylon cry louder. Katie was almost in tears herself from hearing him cry and Colten had a look of helplessness on his face and looked at me like "Awww mom that's so sad!" Once the MA's let him go and I picked him up he was ok. I swear my kids are SO drama!

As we were leaving Caden says, "That hurt mom but I didn't cry! It's cause I am Cowboy Tough!!! Now I gotta go ride my horse!" I think that's what he was thinking about when he got quiet in the room. Silly little cowboy!

So as I am sitting here tonight writing this post I started thinking about how lucky I am. I have 4 amazingly beautiful, healthy children. They drive me crazy on a daily hourly basis but at least they are here to do that. I started getting choked up a little as that very thought crossed my mind. At least they are here!

Every since December 14th, when I catch myself getting irritated or losing patience with them a picture of a sweet little girl with big blue eyes and blonde hair flashes through my head and I immediately feel sad. Because somewhere, miles away, are the parents of 20 amazingly beautiful, healthy children who are now in heaven. I think about how they would give anything to have their child around to irritate or drive them crazy. Instead, they have empty arms and a heart full of grief! I can not begin to imagine what that feels like and my heart just breaks at the thought of it. I feel guilty for letting such little things like arguing and bickering and back talking overwhelm me.

I follow a couple pages on Facebook that also remind me to be thankful for what I have and to cherish every moment because you just never know what tomorrow holds.

The story of Heather Brown (Bringing Home The Browns) is about a mother who went into early labor due to complications and slipped into a coma. Her husband was in Afghanistan at the time and rushed home to be with his wife and newborn. Baby John is 3 months old now and has to visit his mommy in the hospital because she is still in that coma.

Praying For The Nevil's is another tragic story of a family that had recently moved from TX to TN and were coming back to TX for thanksgiving when a car ran their SUV of the road pushing them head on into a tree. The accident killed mom Katy instantly and left daughter Lauren in very critical condition due to a traumatic brain injury. Lauren I currently in the hospital fighting to recover. I read about how the father, Steve, has to struggle with not only losing his wife but the problems with his daughter and taking care of his little boy and again it breaks my heart.

With the Sandy Hook killings and these stories I follow I am constantly reminded that "I could have it worse" I could not have my kids at all. It very well could be me sitting at my child's bedside praying and holding onto faith that he/she will pull through. Those thoughts make me feel guilty for wanting to pull my hair out because Caden is throwing a fit or Waylon is screaming or Katie is giving me major attitude or Colten is antagonizing all of them!

I am not really sure where this post came from and why I felt the need to post it. I guess my point is much like one of my goals I set for this year. Don't sweat the small stuff. Be thankful that they are healthy and are here to do their job of making me gray and insane. Cherish them and the things they do because one day it could be gone and I could be grasping at memories and could haves/should haves.

It makes me want to hold my kids a little tighter for a little longer each day. It makes me want to pick my battles with them a little better. But most of all it makes me thank God every chance I get for giving them to me and for keeping them safe, happy, and healthy!


XOXOXO


***If you would like to join me in praying for the above mentioned stories please click on the link (their name) and like the Facebook page.

2013..... Already?!

Happy New Year!!

I can't believe it's 2013 already!!! What the heck happened to 2012? I swear if this keeps up I am going to be old before you know it! ;-)

This year has been full of so much for my family and I. Big changes, a lot of adaptation, some ups and downs and even a few unforeseen curves in the road. We have strayed off the path that we thought we were supposed to be on several times but it has been a learning experience. No regrets though. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

So keeping up with a New Years tradition I am going to set a few "goals". I do not want to call them resolutions because we all know those are made to be broken. I like goals because to me it means something you work toward. Yeah you may fail a time or two but you continue to work on it until you eventually accomplish what you set out to do.

So with out further ado lets jump right in. Here are some of the goals I would like to work on in 2013:


1.) To love like Christ. I have been struggling with this for awhile now. Lately though, I have been pushed to a point where I find myself wanting to just say forget it I am done and go on my way. I get angry and hurt and frustrated and it would be so much easier to wash my hands of the problems then to continue fighting what seems to be a losing battle. But then I am reminded that God has never given up on me. Even when I have done ugly things and hurt Him numerous times. He is always there for me with out hesitation when I come crawling back asking for forgiveness. He has never turned away from me. I want to be like that. I want to be able to look past the pain and emotion and hurt that people cause me and just forgive and accept.

2.) Find my happy happy happy! It's seems as though I have lost my sunshine lately. I would like to find that again. I am not known to do well with change and I am struggling with this whole coming back to Arizona thing. I am trying my best to find the positive things about being here and focus on those but honestly, they are not stacking up as though I felt they would. I have a longing for home and unfortunately this does not seem to be it. It is my intentions to do some soul searching and assessing of our situation so I can figure out the best way to find my happy while doing what's best for my family.

3.) Be a better mom/wife. I am only human and I make TONS of mistakes on a daily basis. I lose my temper, raise my voice (a lot), lose my patience, make bad choices, and much more. My goal is to work a little harder to not do those things as much. Especially the yelling part. Not something I am proud of. Patience is the key and again that where I am struggling. It gets hectic with 4 children, 5 if you count my husband. :-) I need more patience with them.

4.) Stop and smell the roses. I am constantly stressing about SOMETHING which usually turns into me being overwhelmed, grumpy and irritable. My goal is to not sweat the little stuff. I need to learn to "let it be" and go with the flow. I would like to learn to relish in just hanging out with the kids reading books or telling stories or playing at the park. I want to focus on making memories and not the 50 million things I should/could/need to be doing.

5.) Get healthy! I am SO tired of this constant struggle with my weight and the way I feel about myself!! I want to get healthy and feel good about myself. I would like to start doing more 5k races and get the rest of my family involved. As we have established earlier, I am not getting any younger and it's time to take some responsibility for one of the biggest stressors in my life that I actually have control of! I can and will do this!! I am staring the Intensity workout today and I will be tracking my progress here. I also plan on getting back to running and doing 5k's again. I enjoyed the one I did last year and would even like to get my family involved.

6.) Apply for the Nursing program! I am SO close! It was my original goal to be working as an RN by the time I was 30 but kids, family, life kinda got in the way and well here I am. Honestly, I probably would have given up on it all together and found a nice cozy Dr office to work as an MA in had it not been for one woman's dying instructions for me to, and I quote, "get off your ass and get your schooling done Nickadina! These hospitals need nurses who know what the hell they are doing!" I made a promise and I WILL follow through with it! (Because if I don't I know she will find some way to come back just to kick my butt!) Rest in peace knowing I am doing it Grandma Betty!! 

7.) Organize and back up my photos/videos. I have SO many pictures and in various locations with many duplicates. I need to sort through them all and edit, delete, organize, and then back them up to my external hard drive. This just may take me all year. 

8.) Blog more! I want to be a better blogger. This year I will do my best not to let big chunks of time pass between posts. 


Well, there it is.

In writing.

No backing out now.  

I can do this. You can help me! Hold me accountable. If you notice me slacking feel free to give me a nudge or a reminder of this post. I can do the same for you. What are some of your "Goals" and how do you plan on making them stick? I would love to hear about them. :-)

My hopes for you, my friends, family, and fellow bloggers are that you make the best out of 2013. Love stronger, forgive quicker, pursue what makes you happy, and live each day as though it was your last! Life is to short for anything else. 


XOXOXO