SO much change

Everything is cha-cha-cha-changing!! (in my horribly bad singing voice) In all seriousness though, our lives have been changing like mad and there seems to be no chance of a slow down anytime soon. Sometimes I wish there was a time out button!

STOP!

Whoa there little pony!

Hault!

ALTO!

Nope, nothing works. Life just keeps on trucking no matter what you do or say. People come and go. Kids grow up. Family passes away. And no one stops to ask if your ok or if you need a break.

WOW. If that wasn't a bunch of jumbled thoughts I don't know what is. It just goes to show how crazy my life is right now. Got a million things rattling on up their and I am unsure how to get it all out here.

Bare with me friends. Ill get it together and it will make more sense. Or as much sense as it can being as it's coming from me. (We all know how random I am.) I just wanted to touch base and let y'all know that my life is crazy right now and I do plan on getting y'all caught up......soon.

Until then......well until then, your just gonna have to wait! :-)

James 5:16

This post has been bouncing around in my head for about a week now. Sort of like a constant nagging in my brain saying "Write me down!" I have wanted to share this story because it's awesome and it's real and it needs to be shared but something didn't seem right when I was writing it in my head. Today, the last piece of the puzzle, so to speak, fell into place and now it all makes sense.

Meet Waylon Randall. 3 months and 1 day ago this 9lb 7oz little bundle of joy made his arrival into our world. Despite all of my fears and all of my anxiety he was perfect. God had blessed me, yet again, with a perfectly healthy little miracle. The last couple of months have flown by like you wouldn't believe. It's sort of sad to see how fast he is growing. He is our last and it seems like I am cherishing every little coo and smile with a seemingly greedy demeanor. I joke with my husband that he is "mine" and that he is not allowed to turn him into a daddy's boy.

Waylon is our 4th and I don't remember being this possessive, for the lack of a better word, over the other 3. The fact that I am sort of brings back that feeling from my pregnancy. Cherish-him-while-I-have-him type of fear. (Does this make sense?) I know its crazy and on the brink of being a bit morbid but that is the feeling I have sometimes. It honestly scares the crap out of me.

Anyways, Mr Waylon has been growing and becoming the chunky little healthy baby I am used to having. He went for his two month check up and was doing super well. He survived a 19 hour car ride to AZ for the funeral of his great grandfather as well as a nasty tummy bug that was being passed around while we were there. (We all got it and it was horrible.) With the crazy weather here in Texas someone is always sick so each time we hold our breath and pray he doesn't get it.

Two weeks ago his luck ran out. Big brother Caden has come down with a cough and started running fever. Waylon caught his cough so on Friday I took them both to their Dr. Cade was diagnosed with bronchitis and Waylon with a little head cold. The Dr did advise me to watch it because RSV is going around among the little ones.

Saturday his cough progressed and by that night he had lost his voice and was having a little bit of trouble breathing. My aunt and I took him to urgent care where they told us that it was still just a cold and they didn't hear anything in his lungs but he did have a cough and they were going to give him an oral steroid to help with it and suggested that I give him a breathing treatment as needed. (yeah I was confused too)

Sunday comes along and things start looking up. His voice came back a little his breathing was better. No fever but he did seem clammy to me.

Monday arrives and he sleeps most of the day. I assume it is because his body is trying to fight off the bug and don't worry too much about it until that night. He stops wanting to eat. We had a rough night. Fever starts and feedings decrease to just an ounce or two every 3-4 hours. He was very fussy.

Tuesday-10am: I call he pediatrician and get him in to be seen. They do an RSV swab and tell me that I will know within 4 hours. I was to continue the breathing treatments, Tylenol for the fever, and pedialite for hydration. I left feeling like something more should be done but I am not a Dr so what do I know??

3:30pm: Nurse calls, test was positive for RSV. Nothing else can be done then what I am already doing so here is a list of red flags to watch for. Call if you need us. (Yeah, it was not very comforting.)

9:00pm: Waylon is breathing really hard so I give him a treatment. His fever is not staying down with Tylenol and spiking after just 2 hours. Mommy is freaking at this point so I call the pediatricians office and leave a message for the on-call.

9:45pm: Nurse calls me and asks some questions. She advises me to give another treatment and says she will call me back after. 20 minutes later she calls and asks if he was still breathing hard. I say yes and she wants to hear him so I put the phone up to his face and she listens. After about 5 minutes she says, "Get your stuff together because your gonna need to take him into emergency. I am going to call your Dr and let him know and call you right back." Yes, I freaked out even more. She called me right back and told me which hospital to go to and then she adds, "Make sure someone sits in back with him and remember that is he gets to bad to pull over and call 911!" This is the point that daddy starts freaking out. 

10:45pm Randy drops Colten, Waylon, and I off at the Childrens Hospital in Plano. He is evaluated, deep suctioned (SO hard to watch) and given yet another treatment. He is hooked up to an IV because he still hasn't eaten and is dehydrated. They take him for x-rays and put an oxygen tube in his nose. Dr advises me that he will be admitted. My heart sinks.

Wednesday-12:30am: My 12 week old little boy is moved to a private room, hooked up to monitors and oxygen is started at 69%. As he is laying there all hooked up, still running fever, and struggling to breathe he glances over at me and gives me a look that says, "Help me mommy!" My heart breaks in half.


An hour or so later I call my husband and beg him to pray for our son. This is not fair. I feel so helpless and alone and I CAN NOT DO THIS! Is this what I have been fearing? Is this why I have had this feeling since I found out I was pregnant?? Why God? Why him? Why now? James 5:16 pops into my head. Huh?? Where do I know that verse from and what does it mean?




Randy and I cry out for prayers via Facebook and are flooded with an overwhelming amount of responses from family and friends. Prayers are being sent up. I take a moment to myself to once again pray that God hears these requests. James 5:16 flashes through my head. I really need to look that up. Waylon stirs and the moment is gone as I rush to his side.

3:30am The Dr comes in and tells me that the x-ray shows a spot of pneumonia in Waylon's' right lung. It is not too serious yet but they are gonna push some antibiotics. He assures me that 90% of all infants admitted to the hospital are due to RSV and that it is very common. It's different every time and that they are going to do everything they can to get him breathing on his own with out oxygen. Until they feel he is completely ready they will keep him. It could take a few days or a week or two. It all depends on Waylon.

In the ER Waylon had a nurse named Melanie. She did his IV and helped with x-rays and she was awesome. She followed us upstairs when we went and tended to him until her shift was over at 6am. She was an older lady and she had a comforting way about her. I really liked her. She came in to tell me that she was leaving and that she would see me later that night. She gave me a little hug and said she was praying and that she was sure that he would be OK.

Through out the day Waylon slept but he was improving. They had lowered his oxygen to 50 around the time Melanie left and then little by little through out the morning. At around 2 they took the leads off his chest and did another deep suction. They said he was doing well so I called Randy and had him come up and sit with him so I can run home and get some stuff. It was very hard for Randy to see him like that so I made it quick. If you know my husband you know that he does not do well in the hospital setting. That is just how he is.





After I got back Waylon seemed to be getting more active and acting a little better. I even got a smile out of him. Still, I was worried. Colten was with me and we stood around him and prayed. God was going to make him better. We knew it. Colten says, "God listens when we pray mom. A lot of people are praying and I know He will take care of Waylon." Such comfort coming from an unexpected source. I needed that.






A little after 6pm Melanie came in and she was all smiles. She said that she had to "fight" to be with Waylon because another nurse tried to take him but she won. Her next words blew me away. "I can't believe he is doing so well. Room air and everything! When I left this morning I thought for sure he would be here until at least Saturday." WAIT A MINUTE! What did you just say?? Room air??? Yes!!!! I guess when they took the leads off of him they turned him down to room air only and he had been oxygen free since 2pm!!! I was too worried about the deep suction that I must not have understood what the nurse has said. That's AMAZING  I say. Melanie says, "That's God, Sweetie!" James 5:16 comes floating to the front of my head but I am so dang excited  that I can barley think twice about it.

Another Dr came in and explained that Waylon was doing awesome and that his levels were staying around 89 and 90 but that was without oxygen and as long as he didn't go below 88 they would keep him off of it. They were going to be giving another dose of antibiotics to help with the pneumonia but that things were looking up for him. I was feeding him his formula and he was slowly but surely drinking more and more. They lowered the IV flow. He did well through out the night and ended up taking 3 1/2 oz at each feeding. I was able to get some sleep and things were indeed looking good.

Thursday morning a new nurse came in and said she would be my nurse for the day. (I had slept through the end of Melanie's shift and missed being able to tell her bye) The new nurse took out his IV and removed the cannula. I asked if everything was ok and why they were removing everything. She said, "The Dr thinks that Waylon is doing well enough to go home later today."  Praise God!!! My little man had done a complete turn around and was well enough to go home!!! His oxygen was holding at around 97 and things looked very good. He would need to take an antibiotic at home but other then that he would be ok. Daddy picked us up at around noon. :)

Since being home Waylon has only gotten better. We were nervous because I had gotten the bug and so had daddy but we were assured that it most likely came from Waylon and that he would be ok. By Saturday he was drinking his normal 6 ounces and as of today he is my healthy smiling little boy. You would never know by looking at him that he was in the hospital. I truly feel that it's because of God and all the prayers that he recovered as quickly as he did!

Today, as I was getting in the shower something caught my eye and my heart started racing. This little plaque has been there since we moved in a year and a half ago. I picked it up at the dollar store and never really paid much attention to it after I bought it. James 5:16.

Some may say coincidence but I know better! "That's God Sweetie!"

Doing it the right way

Boy oh boy has it been a loooong time! So much has happened since the last time I have blogged. I will post updates on what's been going on in our lives soon but this post is gonna be a here and now post. Bare with me.

So almost 12 weeks ago I had the baby. (Details will come soon) I gained a lot of weight with this pregnancy and it didn't help at all that I was already over weight to begin with. Before pregnancy I had gained 45 pounds since moving to Texas. I was pretty depressed with all the changes that were taking place and all the stuff going on in our life that I wasn't watching what or how much I ate and I wasn't exercising at all. It was sad.

After having Waylon I decided that I was sick of fighting with my weight. I was so tired of up and down and up and down. Going I the dr and getting on weight loss pills, starving myself only to binge eat and do nothing but feel that much worse about myself, and yo-yo dieting were clearly not doing it for me. I had to figure something out because my self esteem was quickly depleting and it was't good.

One day a good friend mentioned that she was going to start going to the gym. Hmmmm that wasn't something that I thought was possible for me because, afterall, I do have 4 kids and a husband that works crazy hours. When could I find the time? Then my friend says, "I would invite you to go but I don't think you would want to go at 3:30 in the morning." WHAT!!!! 3:30 in the morning??!! This chick is crazy!!! She goes on to tell me that it works for her because she doesn't have to worry about the kids, doesn't have to fight for a machine (because lets face it- not many people are crazy enough to get up that early to work out), and she knows that she would find excuses not to go if she went in the afternoon. Hmmm, those are all very good reasons but geee that's WAY early!
I decided to talk to randy about it. To my surprise he was very supportive. He told me that he didn't think I needed to lose weight and he was happy with who I am but he understands that I am not happy with myself and he will support me if I wanted to do this. So I decide to give it a try!

Yes, ME, getting up at 3:00 AM to go to the gym and work out!!! SHOCKER!!! I still can't believe I am doing it. It's not easy and most days I pray for an excuse to stay in bed but I don't. I drag my butt out of bed and go work out. I can honestly say that with out the support of my friend there is no way I would have stuck in their. No way I would force myself to do this. She holds me accountable and I love it!!!!!

A couple of weeks ago we tossed around the thought of doing the C25k program. (Couch25k) We took it slow and did day one like 5 times (yes we are THAT out of shape) but last week we completed day one and proven to ourselves that we CAN do this. Today we have wiped the slate clean and have started fresh. Week 1 day 1 COMPLETED!!!! I am so proud of both of us! I am doing this! I am losing weight and getting healthy- THE RIGHT WAY!!! I stepped on the scale today and I had lost 2 pounds in a week!!! I am so excited and this gives me the encouragement to keep going!!!

I have set a goal for myself. By this time next year I would like to participate in a competition called Tough Mudder or something similar to that! We have decided that we will do a couple of regular 5k races first but I think these obstacle 5k races will be a crazy challenge and I am excited about them.

To hold myself accountable for reaching my goal I am going to share my progress with y'all on here. I hope that's ok! I know I can do this!! And I know that by doing it the right way I will feel better about it and the results will be life long. :-) So what do you say, wanna help me, through encouragement, to reach my goal? Perhaps you would like to share tips and tricks that you think will help. Maybe you would like to share with me your story and how you are doing on your journey to become a healthier you. I'd love to read them. :-)

Until next time remember, WE CAN DO THIS!

Update

<b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Again, I have fallen behind on keeping y'all updated. In my defense it has been a crazy, busy month. Let's get started shall we?&nbsp; Some of the important dates are mentioned below.</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">August, 10th- Grandma and Papa went home. :( We were sad but spent the day out and about to keep our mind off of it. We can't wait until we are able to visit with them again. Unfortunately, that may not be until early next year.&nbsp;</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">August, 13th- Daddy came home from work this morning and said "Let's go to Oklahoma!" We loaded up the car and took an impromptu, 3 hours trip to visit my family. They were pretty surprised and it was good to spend some time with them even though it was only for one night.&nbsp;</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">August, 15th- Mr. Caden Wyatt had to go the the Dr today. He had a bad&nbsp; cold/cough and fever. They said he had bronchitis and gave him an antibiotic. Poor little man. Also, I started classes today. I took a full load to try and get ahead since I will be taking the Spring semester off for the baby. It's a lot of work but I can do it!!!</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">August, 16th- Today we went to mommy's Dr so we could see the baby. They did our gender scan and it was very clear that it is a BOY!! I knew it. Totally had that feeling even though I wanted a girl. Everyone was happy except Katie. She cried. :( She wanted a little sister SO bad. I feel for her. I couldn't help feeling a little disappointed myself but like daddy told Katie, now she is even more special, being the only girl. We are just thankful that he is healthy and we can't wait to meet him.</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">August, 22nd- It's official! I am now the proud owner of a 7th grader and a 3rd grader! Wow time flies when your having fun. First day of school and the kids loved it. Hopefully this year will be filled with good things for them!</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">August, 23rd- HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIANNA!!! My beautiful niece was born at 2:21am weighing in at 8lbs 6oz and 20.5 in. long. She is gorgeous and I am so happy for my amazing sister and brother in law. It kills me because I wasn't able to be there the way she was for 2 of my 3 deliveries and because it will probably be awhile before I can get my hands on her! But what can I do about it besides hoard all the pictures I can get? I love her so very much already!!!!</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">August, 29th- Colten started fall baseball today. It is now playing on a 14U team and I was a little worried at first because some of those boys are much bigger and better then he is but he jumped right in there and is giving it all he can. He is doing well and is very excited to be learning so much! We are all excited for him!</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">September, 3rd- Oh thank heavens it has finally cooled off. Today was the first bearable day in weeks! Absolutely beautiful!!! Bring on the fall weather!!!</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">That about catches y'all up. Some random things have happened as well. I joined the PTA at Katie's school. I am super excited about being involved and about all the cool stuff we will be doing this year. It feels good to get out and be helpful. It makes me feel like I belong here. Also, Randy applied for a different position at RSC. <strike>If</strike>, WHEN, he gets it he will get a $4 pay raise and a company truck. He is super excited and we are praying very hard that it will happen. Pray for him friends!&nbsp;</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The kids are doing great and so our we. We have had a few bumps in the road but we will stick together and get through it as a family! We are very excited for what the next few months hold for us. I promise I will try to keep up with the blog so I can keep you in the loop.</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> Many blessing and prayers going out to you all. Be happy, no matter what your situation may be there is always a bright side. You may have to look for it a little harder then you want to but trust me, it's there!&nbsp; :)</span></b><br />
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It's been way too long......

Wow! Has it really been almost 3 months since I posted something? Where does the time go? Needless to say we have had a very busy summer. Let me fill you in as much as I can.

SUMMER

The kids got out of school on the  9th of June. Grandpa came in that night from AZ to pick the kids and I up and take us back for a vacation. We spent the weekend with daddy and then headed out on the 13th for AZ. What a long trip but it was well worth it. The kids were SO excited for the time to spend with the grandparents and aunts and uncles and so was I. Honestly I was mostly excited about all the REAL Mexican food I got to eat. While we were there we headed up to Payson for a week or so to get out of the heat. I miss the smell of the pines and the cool weather. I had a Dr appointment to check up on this little one I have baking so I had to fly back on the 25th. It was awesome because the kids got to stay with their grandparents and I got a little vacation.

On the 1st of July Randy took vacation and we drove back (with the help of Jerrod and Aubrey) to the valley of the sun. Boy was it HOT!!! First place we hit was Filibertos. HAHAHA Can you tell how much my husband missed Mexican food?  We had SO much that we wanted to do and SO many people we wanted to see. We made plans to visit everyone and hang out but unfortunately most of those plans fell apart. The Monday after we got there I woke up with a bad sore throat and by Tuesday morning I was running a fever and felt like I had been run over by a truck. Luckily I was able to call my Dr who called in a prescription and I started an antibiotic right away. It hit me hard and ruined all of my plans but what can you do? 4th of July was OK. Monsoon blew in and canceled the fireworks so it was a good thing we had decided to put on our own show before hand. The kids had a blast and memories were made. On the 9th we had a co-ed baby shower for my sister in law. It turned out wonderfully. I am thankful that I was able to be apart of that, especially since I will not be able to be there when the baby is born. That night we packed up and headed home. Despite our original plan to bring all of our kiddo's home with us we ended up leaving the two older ones. After tons of begging and pleading, from many different sources, we agreed to let them stay for another 2 weeks so they could spend time with their friends and everyone. On the 30th of July grandma and grandpa brought them home and decided to stay awhile and visit. They will be leaving on the 10th of this month and we are all pretty sad. We have had a great time with them being here.

AUGUST

We have a busy month ahead of us. The kids go back to school on the 22nd and we have so much to do to get ready. We registered Colten for Fall baseball and Katie will be registering for dance classes this month. They are both pretty excited. We were going to register Caden for Blast Ball but we decided to wait until Spring so he will be a little older. Another exciting thing about August is we get to find out if we are adding a new little boy or a new little girl to our family. Our gender/anatomy scan is on the 16th and we are SO very excited!!! All 5 of us will be there, together as a family, to see just how great this little baby is doing. We will let y'all know how it goes.

Well that just about sums up our summer. We are all doing pretty good. It's good to have us all back under one roof and to get back into a set routine. I will do my best to keep up on this blog so I can keep you all in the loop but be patient with me. It's crazy how fast time flies and before you know it there are just not enough hours in the day. I hope you all are healthy and happy and we are sending many prayers and blessings your way. :)

Questions that make you ask questions!

Today on our way to my oldest sons baseball game a conversation about the guy who said he knew when the last day of the world was, came up. Colten, my oldest said that the guy must feel pretty stupid for getting it wrong and my daughter agreed. Then she said that the new last day of the world is gonna happen in October. (I think my kids watch the news too much. Lol) Colten turns to me and asks my opinion. I tell him that the Lord says to beware of false prophets and that no one, not even Jesus, will know the day or time when God will come back. He seemed to accept that answer with out thinking twice but not Katie. After pondering on my words for a few minutes she speaks up and says, "Mom, are God and Jesus the same person?" Colten quickly responded saying no they are not the same person. Katie looks over at me patiently waiting for me to clear things up. I can't!!!!

This question has my mind scrambling to find the right way to explain this to them in a way that they understand. I come up empty!

Blank!
Zip!
Zilch!
Nodda!

I have no idea how to answer this very important question. Luckily, I was saved by the fact that we had arrived at our destination and they had become distracted with the excitement of the game but through out the day my mind kept coming back to this conversation. It was nagging at me and I couldn't shake it.

Why couldn't I answer such a simple question? How do you answer a question like that? Yes, no, kinda?? I think the fact that I didn't have the words and quite frankly the biblical knowledge to explain to my children that the answer is so much more complicated then just a simple yes or no bothered me a great deal. In turn that got me asking more questions.

Why don't you know Amber?
How are you supposed to teach your kids more about God and Jesus if you don't know yourself?
If not me then who will they learn from? If I am not teaching them right there is gonna be someone out there waiting to teach them wrong!

As you can tell my head was and still is spinning with all these questions and thoughts. While trying to decipher them a thought hit me. "You need the knowledge before you can teach the knowledge!" Well duh Amber!  It's obvious that I don't know as much as I thought I knew. Well why don't I? Another thought slams into me, "You learn by going to church, reading the bible, and worshiping the Lord!" All things that we have been slacking on. Yes we pray everyday but is that enough??

I think that what started as a simple little conversation between brother and sister was really Gods way of telling mommy that we have slipped a little too far away from where we are supposed to be! For awhile now we have been fighting to find a church that we could feel comfortable at. It has seemed like it's a losing battle. Yes, we have found some wonderful churches but none that have given us that "we are home" feeling. I think part of the reason is because we keep comparing every church to the church we left in AZ. We were comfortable there and we miss it. In the hassle of it all we have sort of let the whole issue get pushed to the back burner. News flash!! God does not belong on the back burner!! He made that point loud and clear to me today!

So once again we will continue our search for a church, but with an open heart and an open mind. I am confident that the Lord will lead us to where He wants us to be. Doesn't He always?

 One thing I know for sure is that I long to have that close relationship with God again. He feels too far away right now and it because of my own doings! I also know that when my children ask me a question I want to know the answer, or be able to know how to get that answer! After all, God gave them to me perfect and healthy. The least I can do is grow them up knowing Him!

How awesome is it that when God wants up to know something he finds a way to tell us?!! Loud and clear!!

Happy Anniversary.....Or Not??!!

Today marks the anniversary if a very big time in our lives. A time of change, uncertainty,  fear. Oh the emotions we went through when we made the decision to pack up everything we could fit into a U-haul and move 1000 miles away from everything we every really knew. They were overwhelming and sitting here reflecting on how I felt back then brings all those emotions to the surface.

It's very hard to to explain the reasons why we left Arizona. The main reason being because there was not work there but sometimes I question if that is the driving force behind what actually led us to take such a big leap away from home. Truth be told Randy and I needed a change. We were trying to change our life style and the way we did certain things and we both felt that the only way to do that was to get away from everything. We needed to come closer together as husband and wife and as a family of 5.We really just needed to spread our wings and fly a little.

It was not an easy decision to make. We had to think about the kids and about how our decisions would effect them. Colten had just started spreading his own little wings and expanding his social circle. All three of them had friends and family that they had been around their whole life. It was not an easy decision and it took many nights of prayer for us to decide what we were going to do. I truly believe that if it were not for God and for the comfort He put in my heart about the whole situation I would have not been strong enough to get in that truck and say goodbye to everyone I love.

It has been SUCH a struggle! We have ran into a few obstacles while we have been here but no one ever said it was going to be easy. Things are finally panning out and it seems hopeful that we are gonna be ok. Financially we are doing much better. The kids are settling in perfectly and the schools are AMAZING out here. I have met a couple of friends that are pretty cool. Randy LOVES his job. So what's the problem? ME! I am the problem! I have this longing for home. For comfort, for family, for friends, for the familiarity. I miss Arizona, plain and simple! Some days I am great. I feel positive and happy and I love it here. Other days I struggle to fight back the urge to throw what I can fit in my car and hit the road and not stop driving until I see my mountain. This war that is taking place inside me is SO exhausting. Up, down, up, down. (BTW, being pregnant is not helping much!) So how do I fix it?

While having a conversation about this with my best friend a few weeks back she kind of slapped me in the face with a little dose of reality. She was in a similar situation just a few years ago where she left AZ for better opportunities.  She knows the struggles I am going through so well it's scary. Some days she can even explain what is going on in my head better then I can. Yet, she is completely the opposite when it comes to wanting to ever go back home. I asked her why she though it was different for me and with her answer came the slap I was talking about. "Because you have the mindset that Texas is temporary and that it's not about making a life there permanently but  more about just waiting until you can get back to AZ!" Ouch! The truth hurts sometimes, even when it is delivered by someone you love. What got me even more is after pondering her words I realized that this whole time, from day one, that is how I have been thinking. When this journey started for me I thought, well if we fail we can just go home. It has since turned into, well ok we are doing good so now we need wait for an opening with Randy's company so we can go home. My goal has always been on finding a way back to Arizona, one way or another. WHY?? I wanted so badly to get away for there. From the situations that faced us there. I wanted change so bad so why have I been trying to run back to what I so badly wanted to run away from? Why have I never really given Texas a chance. Are the mixed feelings I am having my conscience fighting with my head that I should at least TRY to make it here? (Does that make sense or am I just rambling gibberish?)

I guess my answer lies in what I have gotten out of this experience. In doing this Randy and I have changed SO much. Our kids have changed SO much. We have indeed grown closer as a family. I have learned to have more patience. (Although my kids continue to test that every chance they get) We have learned that the most important thing is that we are all together. Being close as a family is the most important thing ever! And sadly, that is the piece that seems to be missing. The very thing we strive for is the thing that is pulling us back to Arizona. Our family. Yes we have this wonderful little unit of ours here. Yes we are all closer then we have ever been before. But at the same time we are missing out on our family that is 1000 miles away. A family that loves and supports us. A family that we miss SO much.

So there lies my problem friends. Is it possible to hold on the everything we have gained in the last year and continue on our determined path to get back "home"? Or should we do as we did when we decided to come here and put it all in Gods hands? I am thinking that instead of stressing out about it that I should just let it all go. That I should just take one day at a time and see where the path takes me.

So this is me putting it in Gods hands. I am handing over the reins now Lord. Something that I should have done to begin with. You lead us where you want us to go and we will follow, where ever that may be. I trust you and I know that you will give me peace regarding this situation! I thank you for blessing us SO much in the past year and for providing so many blessings to us! We ask that you continue to keep your arms wrapped around our family and keep us protected. We love and praise you! Amen.

{I just want to apologize if this post is completely confusing, all over the place, and makes no sense. I truly wrote it as I thought it. Thank you for taking the time to bounce around in my head for a little bit!)