Friday, June 29, 2012

Dear Grandma

My heart hurts SOOOOO bad right now!

I just found out a few hours ago that my grandma Betty passed away. She has been sick for awhile now. Multiple things are wrong with her. She has lived a long life and I know she is not suffering anymore. That does nothing to make me feel better!! NOTHING! Its not fair!! Just not fair!!! I didn't get to say goodbye. Not in person. I could have. Should have! Why the hell didn't I??!! Oh my goodness it hurts! Really??!!! I want to go home. To Arizona. Where I should have been this whole time! I should be there! Should have been there for her. With her! I hate that I am not!!!! I hate this! My heart hurts.....

*** The words written above are from the day I found out my Grandma Betty passed away. I started this post but abandoned it due to the confusing, craziness that comes with losing someone you love. I have chosen to leave them there because... Well because it's real raw emotion. It's what I felt then.... This is what I feel now...***

 Dear Grandma,

Well it's been a little over a month now. It doesn't seem like it has been that long yet in some ways it does. The second I looked at my phone and saw who was calling me I knew. I didn't even have to hear it because I knew.

 I had been trying to prepare myself. Thought I would be ok because I was prepared. I wasn't. I am not! I feel so much grandma. Hurt, sad, guilt, anger, loneliness. I feel like a piece of me is gone. Just gone. Your just gone.

 I think the hardest for me is the guilt. I SHOULD have came and saw you when we were down in February. I made excuses and I let time fly by. Such a delicate thing. Time. I disregarded it like it was nothing. I knew then that it would probably be my last chance. I knew, and I still didn't visit! Why didn't I just visit?! If I could take it back, if I could just go back and make time, I would. You have to know I would!

 I know what you are saying. "Stop whining Nickadina! It is what it is!" but it hurts my heart that I didn't get to hug you or kiss you one last time. Or introduce you to your newest great grandson. You would love him, I know.

That last time we spoke on the phone you told me. Do you remember? First thing you said, "I am dying Nicka!" You just about tore my heart out. I hated hearing that but felt comfort in knowing that you were ready. I thought then that I would be prepared for it when it happened. I wasn't.

You also made sure you told me that you loved me! I know that. That is something I never doubted. EVER! Not even when you were yelling at me for something. You always showed me that love. You were always there for me. Blood relation or not, you are, in every meaning of the word, my grandma! You never made me feel any other way. Thank you for that.

 I know you were proud of me too. Behind all of the razzing you gave me about my house not being clean enough or making sure I was taking care of my husband right, I knew you were proud of who I have become. Just as I promised Grandma, I will finish school. I will!! Just for you.

 I guess I just wanted you to know how special you are to me. I think of all the fun times we have had. All the memories. Even now I can hear you in my head griping at me and I smile. Then my heart breaks because I miss you so much. I try to think positive. I know you had time to make peace with your God and I hold tight to the fact that I will get to see you again someday. But it hurts. The sadness is there. Always there.

 I just wish I could be as half as strong as you were! So much is changing in my life and it's happening so fast and I feel so lost and confused sometimes and I just need you. I really just need you.

Watch over me Grandma. Be here with me. And until we see each other again I will keep you close, right where you have been since as long as I can remember. In my heart, forever in my heart.

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