Monday, May 19, 2008

My thoughts...

Current mood:hopeful

At night is usually the only time I get to myself, and usually when I do all my thinking. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING goes through my head. Here is just a little of what I am thinking about tonight:

The last four months have been really hard on me. Maybe the worst I have had in a very long time. I am not going to get into everything but trust me when I say it's been bad. I have had to deal with alot. When someone is put in situations such as those I have been in recently there tends to be so many emotions that comes with it. I am no exception. Sadness, anger, guilt, depression, fury, shame and everything in between. This has been my life lately. It sucks and I want it to be over.

Recently I was speaking to a friend seeking advice on how to let go of the things. Things that I had no control of but that completly turned my life upside down. This person (you know who you are) told me that I needed to think about what I wanted. Put me first. Sift through all the anger and hurt and figure out how I really feel. Figure out what was good for me. I thought and I thought and I did it. I figured it out.... I am in love. Whats more important then that? Because of this I am forced to make decisions. Although I suck at making decisions on my own (especially really big, life changing ones) I cowgirled up and I did my best.

I believe we are always being tested. Maybe this is supposed to be some kind of test for me. What doesn't kill you is supposed to make you stronger right??!!??  It hurts like hell dont get me wrong but it made me realize something. I am truly lucky. I have 3 beautiful, healthy children, nice things, a few really good friends and family that I know will be there for me no matter what. AND most importantly I have love. Despite all the crap I honestly believe I am loved. That is more then alot of people have. So I have decided to be positive. I have decided to look at things on the bright side. It could be worse. (I could be in jail for murder :) hehe just kidding)

I believe in Karma and I am banking on it coming back and biting certain people in the butt.. Until then I am choosing to be happy and thankful for what I have. I am going to take it one day at a time and put my faith in my husband and our relationship. The worse that can happen is I will end up at the bottom again and if I can get over it once you bet your butt I can do it again. (and I will be stronger! Which will be a good thing cause I will need all the strength I can get to keep me safe in jail if this situation should ever occur again!!!) 

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