Five Minute Friday: Quiet

Go.


Quiet. 

That's our prompt word for this week. 

Quiet. I find the irony in that, I really do. 

My life is anything but quiet. With four kids I think it's actually impossible to have quiet. Except for now of course. Late at night when I can only hear their soft breaths and occasional murmuring from whatever dream they are lost in. This is the time when I should embrace the quiet. But you see, it never really comes. 

Now, instead of peace, all I can hear are the million thoughts scrambling through my head. The anxiety of what the path in front of us looks like, of what the future holds. The fear of mistakes that we have not yet made and the steps we have not yet taken. The what if's and maybe's and even the I don't knows. All of it, swirling in my head, making me dizzy and afraid and alone. 

So badly I want to just lay it all at His feet. I know this is what I should do and I try, oh God knows I try. But I find myself picking it back up again and again. It's a daily struggle for me. Some days I am successful and some days I am not.

So badly I want to just reach up and take His hand and allow Him to pull me from these deep waters. So badly I want to just fall into the comfort of His quiet and awaiting arms and surrender this struggle to Him once and for all....

Stop. 

I am linking up with Kate and an awesome group of ladies for Five Minute Friday where we write unedited and unscripted for five minutes on a prompt word. If you would like to learn more and join us please follow the link above. 

Hello, My name is Amber......

I am sitting here at my desk staring blankly at the computer screen with a lump in my throat and confusion in my head. So much to say, so much to get of my chest, yet words fail to come. Maybe because I don't really know where to start. Or maybe because I feel like if I start it will open the flood gates and that kinda scares me.

Why is it that I find myself coming here, to this little blog of mine; this place that has been neglected for so many months, when I feel like I have no where else to turn? This is supposed to be a happy place. A place to share and memorialize all the moments that make up this crazy life of mine.  It's not just a place for happy things. It's a place for real life. Thats what I want it to be anyways. Life isn't about only the good things. Our best memories come from all our moments, good and bad. I feel like the things I write about are ever the same. Same thing, different day.

It annoys me.

It also makes me think. What is my purpose of even having this blog? Yes, I like to write and I like sharing my story with others. But thats not what brings me back here time after time. I realized late last night as I was browsing some of my older posts that having this little place to come spill out my thoughts is like therapy for me. It helps me get my thoughts together and to work some things out in my head.  I also realized that there are a lot of unpublished posts. Some I remember writing, some I was surprised by, but all of them are ME. They are truth and hurt and pain and the growth that comes from walking this life and this path that God has set me upon.

So why are they sitting in the drafts folder unfinished and not shared? Why do I censor what I post? Why do I tend to hold back on the scary stuff?

Simply, I am afraid of the judgement that I may receive when people read what I really feel. When they see what is really going on in my head and the behind-the-scenes aspect of my life what will they think? Sharing those posts and all the unwritten ones that are still swimming around my head requires me to take off the mask that I wear. You know the pretty one that protects me from allowing people to see my struggles and my vulernability. The one that makes me feel like I have a grip on this life and that I actually have it all together.

I don't you know. I really don't have it all together at all. The truth is that I am broken. Inside I feel like I am drowning and no one cares. No one cares because no one knows. It's the dark little secret that I keep hidden behind my pretty little mask. I smile on the outside but on the inside I feel like I am dying. Sometimes it takes everything I have to just get out of bed and complete simple daily tasks. Most days I fail at it. I really just want to stay home and hide from the whole world most of the time. I want to ignore everything and pretend that my life is happy and healthy and that I have it all figured out.

I think the worst part is that I feel like I can't tell anyone. Everyone is busy dealing with their own issues and it's just not fair to drop this bomb in their lap. I don't want to add my junk to their already overloaded shoulders. So I carry it alone. I am used to alone. I can do alone. I have done alone most of my life in one aspect or another so it's nothing new really. It's just that somedays it gets hard. Sometimes I just need to know that someone truly understands that I am not OK and that I am hurting inside. That even though I am surrounded by people who love and care about me I still feel alone. Somedays I just need someone to let me know that it's going to be Ok and that I am going to get through this and that I am, indeed, not alone.

Being a believer I know that I am not actually alone. I know God walks this path with me. I know that I need to just give it all to Him and let Him work on it. I know all the scriptures to read (And I read them, I really do) and I know how to pray. I know how to submerse myself in the Lord and allow His Word to comfort me. Honestly, God and my faith in Him is probably the only reason why I haven't just given up completely and let myself succumb to my illness. I hold tightly to my faith and His promises. He IS my life ring. He is what pulls me up out of the water and sets me on the firm ground when I am drowning. He gives me the strength that I need to make it through each day. I know that one day He will bring me through this and I will be stronger for it. I know all of this in my heart.

It's not a heart problem I have.

It's a head problem.

Hello, my name is Amber and I struggle with depression and anxiety.

I struggle everyday. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Even on the good days it's still there. Waiting to rear it's ugly head. This has been a struggle for me for as long as I can remember but has gotten worse than it has ever been in the last year.

I will overcome this. I will not let this define me. I will not allow myself be swallowed up by this sickness and fade away. I have 4 beautiful and amazing children that deserve me at my best. I am stronger than this. I am.

I know there will be a time that I will need to be reminded of this so I will not delete this post. I will not allow it to sit unpublished in the drafts folder. I will no longer be afraid to share the bad stuff. I will take off my mask and I will hit publish, even though just the thought makes me feel like I can't breathe. I will leave this here as my reminder to myself that I am OK and that, because of God and my faith in Him, I can and I will overcome this. I will leave this here for anyone who has the same struggles as I do. So you will know that you are really not alone. So WE will know that, even when it's dark and it's ugly and we are suffocating on everything this life is throwing at us, we are walking it together. Not alone. Never alone.

Hope

It's that time again! Yep, you know what I mean. It's time to join up with Kate Montaung and the girls over at Five Minute Friday and write for 5 minutes straight and unedited on a given topic/prompt word. This weeks word is HOPE. Let's see what I can do with it....


GO:

I am sitting here in my living room with my mother in law and my youngest son. Bubble Guppies is playing in the background despite the fact that it is almost midnight and long past our bedtime. Yes, it's summer but that's not the reason why I am being so lax in bedtime. The real reason is because Mewma and Papa leave in about 36 hours and I am trying to let the kids soak up every last minute they can with them before they go. The other kids passed out a while ago but for my littlest cowboy this has been a routine for the last month that we have been blessed to have them here. He cuddles close to Memaw and they watch cartoons until he falls asleep. Yes, I know it's going to take double that time to break this habit but since his grandparents live 1000 miles away I am willing to relent in order to give him some one on one time. 

I look at them and I feel both happy and sad. I love that he has found his own way to capture home grandma and me time and it overjoys me to see them together. It also breaks my heart because we they don't have unlimited access to Mewma and Papa. Knowing what they are missing out on breaks my heart. 

This is where my hope comes in. I hold on to the hope that one day God will bring my in laws closer. We all miss them and I desperately want my kids to have them around to make memories with. I hope and pray everyday that something will happen and they will be able to be closer. But I also know that God has a plan. A plan for our lives and a plan for my in laws lives. 

I need to hold on to the hope and promise that God offers me when He tells me He has a plan and it will be better than anything I could want or imagine for my kids and their relationship with their grandparents. Until then I will do my best to make every moment we are blessed to be around family ones that count. I also thank God for those people that he have put in our lives who we have adopted as parents/grandparents. One sweet smiling face of an amazing lady at our church who always has her arms open for a hug comes to mind right now. ☺️

God says He will always provide for our needs. He knows them better than we do and He will always give us exactly what we need. I trust in Him.... 

STOP

I hope that was readable. (Forgive me, it's late and I am emotional lol) If you would like to know more about Five Minute Friday and/or jump in and join us clink the link and set your timers! 

Five Minute Friday: Fear

It has been awhile since I have joined my fellow bloggers for Five Minute Friday due to the sheer fact that my life has been insanely crazy and busy. However, when I got the email notification with this weeks prompt word I knew I had to jump on this train. Here goes everything! 

Go: 

Fear. 

Such a strong word. 

A powerful emotion. 

As someone who struggles with anxiety every now and then I would say that fear and I are somewhat knowledgeable of each other. There is a laundry list of things I fear: 

Spiders

Small spaces

Deep water I can't see the bottom of

Something happening to my children

Being judged....by my peers

Losing someone who is close to me

Being a failure 

Hurting others

Being a bad mom

Getting hurt

Rejection

You see, there are many fears in my life. It's been just recently that I have come to acknowledge that I tend to let fear over take me and many of the situations I face in life. I have learned to succumb to it. This is something I am working on overcoming and I know that the only way to do that is to cast my fears upon the Lord. 

I know this is what I am supposed to do but for something that is so easy to say, it sure is hard to do, isn't it?

There is one particular situation in my life right now that I have been harboring fear for. A super important relationship that I fear has taken a very unexpected turn for the worse. I am flooded with guilt because I feel had it not been for my actions things would not be the way they are right now. BUT, yes there is a but, just when I am in the middle of a worry session about this particular friendship I always hear, from that still small voice, cast your fears upon Me. 

There is a reason for everything that happens in my life. It's all already written out for me. I just need to learn to not fear what comes next and just accept that what's meant to be will be. Even if that means I have to close one chapter of my life to start a new one. Even if that means that some of the people I want so badly to be with me during this next chapter are in fact not meant to be at all. That maybe God has something completely different lined up that will be a million times better than I could ever imagine. 

I am casting my fears upon Him and letting Him have full and complete control of not only this situation but of everything. Yes I may stumble and forget sometimes but I also know that my God is full of grace and will be there for me no matter how lost I get..... 

Stop.

I am absolutely positive that this will be a huge mess of mumble jumble that no one will understand unless you're in my head...(which only a few people have the privilege or curse of being) but that's the beauty of writing for five minutes straight on a given topic with out editing. If you would like to know more about how Five Minute Friday works head on over to Kate's blog and check it out. 

The Struggle is Real....

Is it Friday and, hopefully, by now y'all know what that means. Today's prompt word is: Real.


Go:


I hope you are ready for some randomness because anyone who knows me well or, who reads these posts, will be able to tell you that I am the epitome of random! For example, I opened this screen about an hour and a half ago with the intentions of busting my five minutes out and getting to some other things on my to do list. I started with the title "I'm Real". Well, that immediately reminded me of the song by J. Lo and of course I had to YouTube it. We know how dangerous YouTube can be, hence the reason I am returning here with absolutely no idea of where I was going with this post initially....Yep, totally random! So with that being said, other than a song from my past, I don't really have anything..... So let's talk about my life this week. 

I look back on my planner and it's so full but I don't feel like I really did anything. Nothing really productive anyways. Yes, we have baseball and softball practice, PTA duties and open house at the middle boys school, grocery shopping and helping a neighbor out. I was down with a massive migraine and felt like I was dying on Tuesday. Just our typical, crazy, beautiful routine. The highlight of my week is by far my Wednesday nights. This is the one night a week that I get to do something I really enjoy. 

You see, we have church on Wednesday nights and I help teach a preschool class. I love my Wednesday night kids (most are also my Sunday morning kids) and the teachers I work with. I love planning out our art project helping the kids create it. I love our song time and the funny moments that come with watching the teachers do all the movements that go with those songs. I love the nostalgic feeling I get when we sing a song that I was taught at their age. It's the one day of the week that seems easy for me. Where I don't have to stress about paying the bills, running kids everywhere, or the horrible mess my house is currently in. I just focus on the kids that are before me and helping them learn and grow in the Lord. Don't get me wrong, sometimes that's not an easy job. Sometimes it's quite hard in fact. However, the hugs and I love you's and the proud smiles they get when they have openly prayed for their snack for the first time makes it all worth it. It takes my mind off the real world for awhile and allows me to focus of the simpler things. I think that's what I love the most. 

I feel like I need to start focusing on those simple things outside of my Wednesday nights as well. I know the heavy stuff in life usually consumes us all but there has got to be a way to not let ourselves become so overwhelmed with it that we lose the focus on what is really important. The little things should be just as prominent as the big ones, right?

I know I am not the only one out here that feels this way. What do you do to savor the simple things in life? How do you keep from letting the heavy coat of responsibility overtake and consume the joy of the simple things? I would love to hear your feedback! 

Stop.

***As always, I am linking up with Kate Motaung and the others to write unedited for five minutes straight on a given prompt. To find out more visit this link: Five Minute Friday

Five Minute Friday: Plan

Once again the time has come to hook up with Kate Motaung and a great group of bloggers and write unedited for five minutes. This weeks prompt word is: PLAN. 

Go. 

Oh my goodness!!! Let me tell you how stinking excited I am about this weeks prompt word!!! Yes, God is defianately trying to tell me something.... 

Planning is one of my "happy" vises. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I am in control of something somewhere. I am not sure how to explain it adequately except to say that when I have a plan I feel better. 

Those who know me I am a planner. I like lists. I like to write it all down and I like to check it off. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. I also like to know what lies ahead of me and what to expect. If I have a plan then I don't have as much anxiety about the what-if's. That being said, I have found that most of the time my dearly beloved plans usually go out the window once thing get started. No matter how intentional I was when I planned it. 

This is, in part, my husbands fault. (Yes, I just went there. I totally laid the blame on a man who will probably never read this post and be able to defend himself. Oops!) You see, my amazing husband is the absolute opposite of me when it comes to planning. He is more of a fly by the seat of his pants type. If a thought pops into his head or a certain mood hits he doesn't think twice about breaking my ️said plans to go with the latter. (Yes, this does make us come off as pretty flakey people sometimes.) Over the years I realized that it's easier to just throw my plans out and follow his lead. It saves me a lot of time and definitely a lot of headache. 

Don't get me wrong, I am not the submissive type. It's hard to relinquish control sometimes and more often than not my stubborn streak comes out and, well, it's not pretty. But in the end I usually conceded and we do what he wants. I like peace. I just have to come to it the hard way I guess. 

I have also learned that my relationship with God is the same way. I make all these plans, jump in to all these commitments, thinking I know what's best for my life. After-all it is my life right? I know how I want to live it! I even wrote it down with pretty markers in my beloved planner so now it HAS to happen..Right?

Wrong!! Oh so very wrong! 

That's where I find myself in this stage of my life. Realizing that my thought process with what I am doing with my life may be wrong. My PLANS may not be what God wants to happen.

 I feel like in certain areas of my life I have been planning and trying really hard to make it work because it's what I want. It's what I have planned. I feel like God is doing exactly what my husband does to me. He is throwing a hand up and saying, "Nope, I think you should be doing this my way!"

WHAT?! No, God, that's not what I want to do! That's not what is written down. That is not what I planned! *insert pouty face, arms crossed, stubborn streak I mentionedabove here.* 

There are some key words in there. I and Planned. 

I say that I pray about things before I do them. I say that I want Gods blessing before jumping into something new. But do I really? Am I seeking whole heartedly what the Lord wants me to do? Or am I simply going through the motions of it and doing what I want anyway? 

These are the questions that have been really heavy on my heart for the last two weeks and to be quite honest with you friends, I don't like what the answer has been. 

I know that I need to really work paying more attention to His direction and less attention on fulfilling my wants and desires. I know I need to focus on listening to that still small voice even if the answer doesn't align with what I have already planned out. Because, despite my stubborn and sometimes selfish tendencies to live my life the way I see fit, I know that He already has my plan written down for me. And I know that His plan is far better than anything I could ever come up with on my own. 

Stop. 

If you would like to link up with us and share you five minutes click the link located above. Thanks for taking the time to experience a little bit of what's in my head. 

Love and Blessings, 

FMF: Gather

Yep, it's Friday!! Today's prompt word: GATHER.......

GO.

I have realized that I need to take a moment and gather my thoughts. As I sit here to write, pondering what this word means and how it pertains to my life, I become assaulted with a plethora of thoughts and directions where this can go. So many different things all at once just piling up in my head. I feel like I need to grab a notebook and a pen and take notes. Then another realization slams into my head:

Typical Amber, always overwhelmed with everything! Always too much of too many things. 

This is my life lately. I feel like I have so many different things going on and I am committed to so much that it is literally overtaking my life AND my brain! Between the kids stuff, school, hobbies, church, my little Thirty-One business, and the personal responsibilities of being a wife, mom, and homemaker, I lose count of what I am supposed to do and when! It seems like my brain is ALWAYS ON and never shuts down! I always have something to do and somewhere to be. It's overwhelming. 

Don't get me wrong. I know that I am not the only mother of four that has ever felt overwhelmed by her life and responsibilities. But lately I have been thinking and praying about ways to make it all work with out losing my mind. I thoroughly enjoy all the stuff I listed above and I want to continue to do them. I just don't want to feel like I am overwhelmed and drowning in it all. And I don't want to give up all the other important stuff like my quiet time with God and my bible. Or actually being PRESENT, body AND mind, with my children during our time together instead of thinking of the million little sticky notes on my desk or in my planner that hold all the things I am supposed to do. 

I need to gather all of these things that fill up my life and prioritize them! I need to find a good balance to make it all work the way it's supposed to. Most importantly I need to know my limits and say no when presented with yet another opportunity to stretch myself a little more. I need to accept that I have an obsessive personality and can easily become consumed with one thing which, in turn, throws everything else to the sidelines leaving me scrabbling to catch up. 

STOP.

Five minutes is just not long enough I tell ya!! I could have probably gone on for at least another half hour. (perfect example of being obsessive) HAHA

**If you would like to link up with the awesome group of bloggers and participate in Five Minute Friday's like I have just done or you simply want to see what it's all about, head on over to Kate Motaung blog and check it out!