I have a lot of issues from my past that unfortunately affect me right here in the present. Things that have happened that I have accepted and thought I had moved on from but in reality I have not. Forgiving and forgetting are two very different things and as I have realized in the last few days I have done neither of them very successfully.
I do a great job at ignoring things I don't want to deal with. I tend to build up a wall, toss myself behind it and take comfort in the delusional thought that it doesn't exist anymore therefore it cant hurt me. As you can imagine that doesn't work out very well. Sure, it acts as a band-aid and does the job for the time being but, like with any wound, unless you clean it out and get rid of all the infection it will continue to fester and eventually lead to bigger problems.
As much as I want this particular issue to go away and as much as I try to ignore it there is ALWAYS a trigger that punches me in the face when I am least expecting it. That is what happened to me this past weekend. Just a normal fun filled day with the family, not thinking about anything except the things we had planned to do that day and then BAM!!! This trigger happened to be in the form of a person. Someone I like and have no problem with at all but, because of a close tie between them and this past issue, everything that I have been trying to ignore came rushing back in full force.
It really stinks when this happens because I turn into an ugly person. I lash out verbally, mostly at my husband. I bring everything out and force us to relive a time that we both had thought we put behind us. It's not pretty and it is not fair, for either of us. Then the guilt sets in and it makes me feel a hundred times worse. Why do I have a right to be so angry? I have been the cause of the same type of pain and issues as the ones I am facing right now. How dare I dwell on what happened to me when he doesn't dwell on what happened to him?! Ugh! It is an ugly, vicious cycle and I really just want it to STOP!!! How do I make it just stop?
***Wrong question to ask unless you REALLY want to know the answer.***
On Monday I was feeling overwhelmed. I had a stupid dream and it was just playing on my emotions from the weekend. I sent a text message to a close friend that simply said "I am in a funk this morning!" She asked if I had time to listen to something and I said yes. She sent me over a sermon her pastor gave on Sunday. She said that she didn't understand at the time but that I was heavy on her heart the whole time he was giving it. I will tell you that it is about 45 minutes long but it is WELL worth the time to listen. It was exactly what I needed to hear and even though I am struggling to find my path back to God right now it hit home and it hit hard!
I should probably tell you that I have been friends with this person for a LONG time. She knows me very well and she is pretty familiar with my issues. We are a lot alike in most aspects of our lives. I joke that she is always "in my head" because usually when I fail to find the words to explain something the way I want to she has them and vise versa. She often has been my voice of reason or the part of my brain that tells me what I already know but refuse to admit. Lately, I feel like I have been keeping her at a distance because of the struggle I mentioned above. *That's a whole other post that will come when I figure it all out* I do this because I know that God uses her to help me make sense of everything that is going on in my life and right now I am just not ready for that! Frankly, I just don't want to hear it. Sadly, I think I avoid having in depth conversations with her because of this. I know that is very sad! :-(
As we all know though, if God want's us to hear something we are going to hear it one way or another! On Monday, I thanked her and other then normal random text messages we didn't really talk...until yesterday. I was having some issues with my iPhone. It was frustrating me and before calling Verizon I decided I would call this friend to see what she did when she had the same problem. A quick and easy call that would surely not go to deep. HAHAHA Yeah right! Somehow our conversation about my phone resulted in exactly what I didn't want but what I obviously needed. Truth, anger, tears, and acceptance.
Every since our conversation I have been forced to think about my issue. About how I am
Don't ever ask someone that you know is gonna tell you what you don't want to hear that question! The moment I said it I wanted to take it back. I knew what her answer was going to be and I DID NOT want to hear it. I did not want to hear one of my best friends tell me that I had to do the one thing I KNOW I can not do! I mean I physically and emotionally am not capable of doing it!!! So much so that it hurts to even think about it! Her exact words to me were, "Am, the only way to let it go is to forgive her!" SERIOUSLY??!! Someone please tell me how the hell I am supposed to forgive someone that I hate??!! Oh My Goodness!!!
I was angry! I told my friend that I didn't like her very much and at that moment it was true! I did not like her because she spoke the words that I have tried very hard not to even think. Words and a concept that hurt to think about! What hurts worse is that she is right! I know she is 100% right. The only way for me to let go of this part of my past, this part of my brokenness and pain, is to forgive the person that caused it. Not just say I forgive her but to wholeheartedly, with everything inside me, finally drop that broken piece and forgive her.
This is a hard thing to do friends, and I am truly struggling with it. I know it needs to happen but I am weak and am having trouble surrendering. I also know that I don't want this to affect my happiness anymore. I don't want it to be a shadow that hangs over my marriage and I know that I am the only one that can change that. I am working on it. That's the best I can do right now.
In the mean time I am thankful for the patience of my husband and his willingness to understand and to support me through this. We have come SO far in our relationship and have grown SO much. It makes it a little easier when I can look at us and know that we are not the same people we were before. I am also thankful for my close friends and their willingness to listen to me whine and cry and still love and support me. Even when I write a blog about how much I don't like one of them for making me face my daemons and being a voice of reason and truth! (You know I really do love you!!) I know that God places people in our lives for a reason and I am very thankful for the special people he has brought into mine.
Do yourself a favor and listen to Pastor John's sermon. It is powerful and it will help! Have you ever had to forgive someone that hurt you? How did you handle that situation? I would love to hear your story if your willing to share.
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