Five Minute Friday: She

Today I am linking up with Lisa-Jo and the ladies over at Five Minute Friday. It's a community of bloggers who come together every Friday to write unedited for five minutes on a given prompt. Head on over, check things out, and join us! 


Today's word: She

It has been a couple weeks since I have done a FMF. Life has a way of getting away from me and time flies right out the window. Just a few minutes ago I was sitting at the kitchen counter cutting toast in half for my little guy thinking about the million things I have to do before I leave on my mini mommy vacation. I gave the baby his toast and said "make sure you eat it all...the crust will make your teeth strong!" I froze and immediately a smile spread across my face. A very strong memory of my childhood came rushing back and I was overwhelmed with emotions. Bittersweet emotions.

She was one of the most influential people in my life. I have slowly come to realize this as the things she taught me come out through the way I raise my own children. Like today with the toast, she used to tell me that! I was so little and I remember thinking that was the most crazy thing I have ever hear....but I ate the crust just in case! She was strong, so very strong, both in will and determination. She was a fire cracker who enjoyed nothing more then giving everyone crap....mostly me! She could hold her own against anyone that dare go against her. She was good for a laugh too. She was easy to get riled up and close family knew how to do that well. Once you got her going there was no stopping her either. When it she did eventually wind down it would usually end with her calling everyone "damned fools" and her retreating back to her beloved chair.

 I remember one time we she was living with me and we were having a birthday party for my daughter who was turning 3. We had lots of friends and family over. (including my husbands grandma who was very churchy.) My brother in law thought it would be funny to get her going and somehow started a conversation about my husband and I having another baby, which was not true! I was in school at the time and had no intentions of having another baby. He told her that I was trying to get pregnant. She argued that I wasn't but he insisted. I tried to tell her he was being funny but she wouldn't hear it. She jumped up out of her chair and in front on everyone said, "Nicka you BETTER not be trying to get knocked up!!" then she looks right at my husband and says, "you better be using those things, those condom things!!!" The house roared with laughter but my husband and I were SO embarrassed. I was worried Randy's grandma would be offended but by the end of the night she was chit chatting away and said she had a great time before leaving. 

She was one of my most favorite people whom I loved more then anything and every day here with out her stinks. But I am comforted by knowing that little things like making toast for my kids will remind me of her and in turn set off a chain reaction of memories (that will most like lead to a blog post like this one haha) that somehow pushes through the tears and makes me smile. I take comfort in knowing that despite how ornery she was she knew her God and one day I will see her again....then she can yell at me once more.

She is my grandma Betty. She is one I will carry in my heart and my memories for the rest of my days! 

Grandma Betty with my oldest....2000

Mommy Meltdown

In just a few short hours I will be waking the kids up to get ready for their first day of school. There will be whining because they don't want to wake up and I am sure that at least one of them will refuse to eat breakfast. Katie and I will most definitely argue over her outfit because I know even though we spent an hour picking out the perfect look tonight she will change her mind by morning. There will be a mix or nervousness and excitement and happiness over the new. And as happy I am for them I am even more sad. 

There I said it! I am sad that tomorrow will be here so soon. Yes, I have on several occasions asked "how long before school starts?" this summer but now that its here I find myself truly sad. 

Maybe it's because my little cowboy is starting Kindergarten! Or that Buggy is actually going to be a 5th grader. I am almost positive that Colten starting his freshman yeah of high school has something to do with it!! 

The reality of all of that just hit me and here I am bawling my eyes out as I type this. I am sure I will get over it but I find myself thinking about something I have heard many many times in the past. "Enjoy them now because soon they will be all grown up and you will miss it."

Ohh how true is this statement?!?! I mean I still have many years of the crazy chaos of young kids and I am already freakish out. Seriously though, where has the time gone? Where did the days of watching PB&J (who remembers this cartoon) and teaching Colten is ABC's go? I could swear this was just a few months ago. And all of a sudden here he is entering the crazy world of High School. Starting this new adventure, new chapter, of his life. In just 4 short years he will be off to college and out into the world and he won't need me anymore! Ugh!!! Such a horrible thought! 

And Katie is SO darn independent already that it isn't even funny! The other day she was mouthing off, being typical Katie, and I wanted to beat her but instead I grabbed her and gave her a hug. I realized then that she is getting too big. How long has it been since I have held her close and cuddled her like I do Waylon? It's so much more complicated when they get older and they are too "cool" to love on their Mommas! Later that day we were watching a movie and I was laying on the couch. She came and laid next to me and fell asleep. I didn't want to move. I just wanted to relish in the moment and remember back to when this was not such a big deal. 

Caden is the same way just not as bad... yet! I can still steal snuggle time from him occasionally and he isn't too shy about giving me hugs or kisses. I pray that doesn't go away too soon. 

I am not sure what my point is for this post. I know it's nonsense but with all the emotion I have swirling inside me right now I had to get it out. The theme for today has been "Making Memories". It's been everywhere from church to FB to music I have listened to today. Maybe it's Gods way of telling me that even though I feel like my lovelies are growing up to fast and that I am losing them that it's not really the case. I have many many memories that we have made with them and many many many more to come and that I need to focus on that instead of what I feel like I am losing. 

Easier said then done huh?! 

Well I guess I am gonna just have to "suck it up buttercup" and deal with it. I know that great things lie ahead for all of my children and I am excited for them! For the plan God has for their lives. I just gotta learn how to let go a little and know that they are not going to stay little forever no matter how much I want them to. 

Ill work on it. 

Hola...

YAWN!!!!! STREEEETCH! Yawn again as thoughts of how comfortable my bed must feel right now pass through my fuzzy head! I need coffee. A lot of coffee!

I am so tired this morning. Idealistically I would still be sleeping but with six kids running around I am pretty sure that isn't going to happen! 

I TRIED to go to sleep early last night. By early I mean 11ish. Yeah that didn't happen. Once again my tendency to procrastinate got the best of me and of course nothing went right when I finally got what needed to be done finished. After a few hours of panic, confusion, and frustration we (my mother in law and I) figured it out. I think by the time I finally climbed into bed it was somewhere around 2:30ish.

YAWN

I am actually kind of bummed out about it. I had planned on getting up early. By early I mean 6. This is the last week of vacation for the kids and I am trying to get them in school schedule mode. Also, classes start for me today and I wanted to get a jump start on that. But the biggest reason why I wanted to get up early is because today is the first day of the fall bible study that I joined through Hello Mornings. I am really excited about this study and actually wanted to get up and enjoy some alone time with the bible and God. Totally not the way I wanted it to go but I was only an hour late getting up and I did get what I needed to get done so that's a good thing right? Tomorrow is a new day and I am sure that by the time bed time rolls around I will be more then happy to climb into bed.

Life is about to get a little crazy around here. Yeah I know what your thinking...how much crazier can it get?! HAHA With school starting next week and baseball/softball for Colten and Katie on top of my classes, church, and whatever else falls into our laps it is bound to get interesting. I will try to keep ya up to date on how it's going. 

Wish us luck and pray for us! Me especially! LOL I can't believe that I am gonna have a Freshman, a 5th grader, and a Kindergartner this year! That's crazy and a whole other blog post lol.

Happy Monday friends!!!

Five Minute Friday: Small

Today's prompt is: Small

GO:

Small.....hmmmm. My mind goes to everything that is no longer small.

For example, my children. With my oldest going into high school this year comes a huge reality check for me. I worry about him. I worry about the struggles he will face and the challenges that he will over come. None of which will be small.

I wonder if I have done my job as a parent well enough to keep him from making the same mistakes...ugh I hate that phrase.... from following the same path as I did. I want him to be successful and happy and I want him to live big, not small!

We have been trying so hard to surround the kids in God. To dive in deep and grab a hold of the promises He has for us. To give them a good solid foundation to stand on when the are faced with the bad things in this world that are sure to be there...especially in high school.

Have we done a good enough job or were our efforts too small?

I guess, once again, I am forced to put everything in God's hands. Those are something that are NEVER to small! I know that the plan that He has for our lives, our futures, is going to be HUGE and I take comfort in that. I hold on to that...because I know that even if I fall short He wont!

STOP


I am linking up with Lisa-Jo and hundreds of other bloggers today for Five Minute Friday. Head on over to over check it out and join us!

Five Minute Friday: Story

Today's prompt is: Story

GO:

Everyone has a story. 

Some are good and some bad. Some are way too short and some are amazingly long. 

The life you live is your story. New chapters are always in the making. There is beauty and there is tragedy and all of that is what makes our stories unique. 

I think I have a great story and my goal for this blog is to share that with you all. As most of you that have read this blog before already know...it ain't always pretty! But I think that's the greatest part about it. You can see the bad stuff, read about it through these posts and then you can see how amazing God is and how He has picked me up and lead me to the good stuff.

That is what I want. I want you to see this. I want you to know that as unique as your story is there is always someone out there that can relate in some way or another. I know that I am not alone in my struggles, even though satan likes to try to convince me of this sometimes. My thought process is that someone will read my words and get something from my story. (even if it is just a laugh)

**Photo does not belong to me..I have no rights to it. Thank you Google image search!

STOP


It has been a couple of weeks since I have joined Lisa-Jo because life got a little hectic but I am back and boy have I missed it. Head on over to her site and check out what Five Minute Friday is all about, then join us!

Truths

I have a lot on my mind tonight and since my awesome husband passed out and left me talking to myself in the dark I figured this is the next best way to get it all out.**

A lot of stuff has been hitting on my heart lately. Stuff that I read or hear or see. Stuff that I know is not coming my way by coincidence. Nothing is ever a coincidence when God is at work! 

I know a lot of you have noticed a change in me. Some have made comments or asked questions. Some have blown it off or simply don't pay it much mind. And some of you expect it of me because you really know me. You know my story. 

For those of you that don't know let me give you a run down.... 

In April of 2010 Randy and I asked God back into our lives. We were broken and fragile and we had no other place to turn. All we had left was the shattered prices of our marriage and our mutual love for our children. We had been running from God and living in the world of sin for years and it had finally all caught up with us. One night during a heated argument I finally told Randy I was done. I could no longer keep going as we were. I was numb. So completely numb! 

That's a sad feeling you know. To be so lost and so messed up that you literally are incapable of feeling nothing!! 

It was that very feeling that had me looking for a way out. A way to pull myself up and out of this horrible life that was full of bad mistakes, angry words, hate, jealousy, revenge and sin. The only way I knew to so that was cut ties and move on. Start over. 

My initial plan didn't include God. It was only about me and how I knew I could be strong enough to do it on my own. I had faith in myself to be able to do this. It wasn't until my husband came to me and begged me  to try just one more time. To give US just one more chance. But this time instead of putting our faith in each other we would put it in God. We would allow Him to have full control of every aspect of our lives and if that didn't work, if that didn't make it better then he would give me the divorce that I wanted. But only after we honestly tried to do it Gods way first. 

That agreement, that promise, is what saved my marriage. Saved my life really. We did just what we vowed to do and we laid our whole ugly mess at Gods feet and asked him to fix what we had so badly broken. And He did! 

Within two months we were moved to another state, thriving on so little, and praising Him the whole way. We have had many up's and downs and veered of our path along the way. We have faced so much in the last 3 years and although it was very unstable at times we always made it through. 

We are in a very good spot right now. I thank God everyday for His grace and mercy that He has for us. I feel like He has planted us right where He wants us to be right now and He is working on surrounding us with people and things that will help us grow in Him. He has given us the tools to make this life the best that we can in a way that will honor and glorify Him and that is exactly what we intend to do.

Thank you to everyone who has acknowledged this change that our family has made and for supporting us in our journey. We are so glad to have such an amazing support system of friend and family. I don't know what I would do with out y'all!



**This post was originally started on Saturday night.

Burned Bridges...Charred or Slightly Singed?

This post has been awhile in the making but I never seem to find the words to express how I feel with out worrying about someone taking it the wrong way and being offended. Then a thought hit me.... If a person feels guilty enough to be bothered by something I write then perhaps this post was intended for them after all! Ill let you be the judge.

So I have been feeling agitated/upset about some stuff lately and I need to vent but I have been working on not letting my emotions overtake my words so I don't say something I will later regret. This proves to be a challenge for me sometimes because I am an emotional person and am known to express how I feel in the heat of the moment. This causes me to have regrets on how my point was delivered or how my words caused unneeded hurt to someone- usually someone I care about. 

Normally the pattern goes something like this: Get hurt/bothered/irrated/angry about something but don't say anything because you don't want the person who cause it to be upset. Stew over it.. I am very good at this. Even though I try to forget about it I never really can so its there stewing and brewing and waiting. Waiting for something little, something insignificant, to set me off and then BOOM! I explode and I say everything that I have been saying in my head for however long I have been stewing! It's ugly but it must come out! Then I move on to the feeling guilty phase and regret the way things happened. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, maybe I shouldn't have let them know they hurt me, maybe I over-reacted. Then I once again forget how I am feeling and be the bigger person and apologize! Who cares that the person on the receiving end did something to me that caused me to hurt and eventually lead to my freak out. I apologize because its the right thing to do! Because I care enough to. 

Well guess what! I don't want to do the "right" thing anymore. Who said it was the right thing anyways??!! (Yes, I am the one who said it but maybe I was wrong!)

What does all of this mean? Heck if I know I am just venting! It's not supposed to make sense. Right?!?

I guess my point is that I am tired of sacrificing my feelings to make sure everyone else's are spared. I am tired of putting my all into a friendship/relationship and getting nothing in return. I am tired of being the person someone goes to only when they need something or when they want to know something. I am tired of holding on when its pretty clear the other person(s) have already let go! 

Why waste my time waiting around for someone to make time for me? If I was important AT ALL they wouldn't have to fight so hard to find the time. They wouldn't have to find excuses why they don't call/text/come by. They would just do it because I am just as important to them as they are to me. I have to let go and just let it be! Stop worrying about it and stop letting it bother me so much! Easier said then done but I am working on it. 

I am finding that the realization that I am just not worth it hurts. But I am also realizing that its ok. That is them and this is me and its really ok. The hurt will heal eventually. I am happy and content in the direction my life is going right now. A little irritated by some stuff (obviously) but overall I am in a good place. God has great things in store for my family and I and I am relishing in His promises of what the future holds. I know that all of this is part of His plan and I know it will all work itself out in the end. I also know that everyone comes into your life for a reason no matter how short of long their stay is. I also know that eventually one of two things will happen. We will drift back together or we will cut ties completely. I guess the determining factor on how that plays out is based upon whether the bridge is charred or only slightly singed.....