Truths

I have a lot on my mind tonight and since my awesome husband passed out and left me talking to myself in the dark I figured this is the next best way to get it all out.**

A lot of stuff has been hitting on my heart lately. Stuff that I read or hear or see. Stuff that I know is not coming my way by coincidence. Nothing is ever a coincidence when God is at work! 

I know a lot of you have noticed a change in me. Some have made comments or asked questions. Some have blown it off or simply don't pay it much mind. And some of you expect it of me because you really know me. You know my story. 

For those of you that don't know let me give you a run down.... 

In April of 2010 Randy and I asked God back into our lives. We were broken and fragile and we had no other place to turn. All we had left was the shattered prices of our marriage and our mutual love for our children. We had been running from God and living in the world of sin for years and it had finally all caught up with us. One night during a heated argument I finally told Randy I was done. I could no longer keep going as we were. I was numb. So completely numb! 

That's a sad feeling you know. To be so lost and so messed up that you literally are incapable of feeling nothing!! 

It was that very feeling that had me looking for a way out. A way to pull myself up and out of this horrible life that was full of bad mistakes, angry words, hate, jealousy, revenge and sin. The only way I knew to so that was cut ties and move on. Start over. 

My initial plan didn't include God. It was only about me and how I knew I could be strong enough to do it on my own. I had faith in myself to be able to do this. It wasn't until my husband came to me and begged me  to try just one more time. To give US just one more chance. But this time instead of putting our faith in each other we would put it in God. We would allow Him to have full control of every aspect of our lives and if that didn't work, if that didn't make it better then he would give me the divorce that I wanted. But only after we honestly tried to do it Gods way first. 

That agreement, that promise, is what saved my marriage. Saved my life really. We did just what we vowed to do and we laid our whole ugly mess at Gods feet and asked him to fix what we had so badly broken. And He did! 

Within two months we were moved to another state, thriving on so little, and praising Him the whole way. We have had many up's and downs and veered of our path along the way. We have faced so much in the last 3 years and although it was very unstable at times we always made it through. 

We are in a very good spot right now. I thank God everyday for His grace and mercy that He has for us. I feel like He has planted us right where He wants us to be right now and He is working on surrounding us with people and things that will help us grow in Him. He has given us the tools to make this life the best that we can in a way that will honor and glorify Him and that is exactly what we intend to do.

Thank you to everyone who has acknowledged this change that our family has made and for supporting us in our journey. We are so glad to have such an amazing support system of friend and family. I don't know what I would do with out y'all!



**This post was originally started on Saturday night.

Burned Bridges...Charred or Slightly Singed?

This post has been awhile in the making but I never seem to find the words to express how I feel with out worrying about someone taking it the wrong way and being offended. Then a thought hit me.... If a person feels guilty enough to be bothered by something I write then perhaps this post was intended for them after all! Ill let you be the judge.

So I have been feeling agitated/upset about some stuff lately and I need to vent but I have been working on not letting my emotions overtake my words so I don't say something I will later regret. This proves to be a challenge for me sometimes because I am an emotional person and am known to express how I feel in the heat of the moment. This causes me to have regrets on how my point was delivered or how my words caused unneeded hurt to someone- usually someone I care about. 

Normally the pattern goes something like this: Get hurt/bothered/irrated/angry about something but don't say anything because you don't want the person who cause it to be upset. Stew over it.. I am very good at this. Even though I try to forget about it I never really can so its there stewing and brewing and waiting. Waiting for something little, something insignificant, to set me off and then BOOM! I explode and I say everything that I have been saying in my head for however long I have been stewing! It's ugly but it must come out! Then I move on to the feeling guilty phase and regret the way things happened. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, maybe I shouldn't have let them know they hurt me, maybe I over-reacted. Then I once again forget how I am feeling and be the bigger person and apologize! Who cares that the person on the receiving end did something to me that caused me to hurt and eventually lead to my freak out. I apologize because its the right thing to do! Because I care enough to. 

Well guess what! I don't want to do the "right" thing anymore. Who said it was the right thing anyways??!! (Yes, I am the one who said it but maybe I was wrong!)

What does all of this mean? Heck if I know I am just venting! It's not supposed to make sense. Right?!?

I guess my point is that I am tired of sacrificing my feelings to make sure everyone else's are spared. I am tired of putting my all into a friendship/relationship and getting nothing in return. I am tired of being the person someone goes to only when they need something or when they want to know something. I am tired of holding on when its pretty clear the other person(s) have already let go! 

Why waste my time waiting around for someone to make time for me? If I was important AT ALL they wouldn't have to fight so hard to find the time. They wouldn't have to find excuses why they don't call/text/come by. They would just do it because I am just as important to them as they are to me. I have to let go and just let it be! Stop worrying about it and stop letting it bother me so much! Easier said then done but I am working on it. 

I am finding that the realization that I am just not worth it hurts. But I am also realizing that its ok. That is them and this is me and its really ok. The hurt will heal eventually. I am happy and content in the direction my life is going right now. A little irritated by some stuff (obviously) but overall I am in a good place. God has great things in store for my family and I and I am relishing in His promises of what the future holds. I know that all of this is part of His plan and I know it will all work itself out in the end. I also know that everyone comes into your life for a reason no matter how short of long their stay is. I also know that eventually one of two things will happen. We will drift back together or we will cut ties completely. I guess the determining factor on how that plays out is based upon whether the bridge is charred or only slightly singed..... 

Five Minute Friday: In Between

Today's prompt is: In Between

GO:

Snuggled up close to my husband in bed trying to get some sleep before the chaos of tomorrow comes barreling at us once again, I hear the beginning of it...

He tosses and turns a few times and tries to settle himself. He sits up and begins searching for his favorite comfort... his nini. In my mommy brain I can visualize his moves perfectly. He will lay back down and rub his blanky against his face, again trying to seek comfort. I lay as still as I can silently praying that our littlest one will go back to sleep. Most of the time he will but last night wasn't one of those times. He cried and I went to him. I tried to calm him down but he kept saying "Daddy! Out!!" I am usually really good about sticking to my guns and making him stay in his own bed as I have learned from my previous 3 that is a hard habit to break! 

Last night was different. He needed me. He needed his daddy. He needed the comfort that being in between brings him. I scooped him and his beloved blanky up and carried him to my bed. Daddy rolled over and gave me the look. The one that says "once you start this it is not going to stop". I shake my head and tuck our little guy in snug as a bug. It only takes a few moments before his breathing levels out and he is fast asleep, comforted and safe in the in between.

There are times that we all need to be comforted like this. I, myself, find that even though I am in between a million things...school, projects, to-do lists, bible studies, friendships, housework, ect, and it should be crazy, it really isn't. It's something to relish, to take comfort in, to enjoy. It is something that I am learning to embrace and be thankful for. I am learning that this in between time is full of the anticipation of what is next. What does God have planned for us and how is it going to play out?

STOP 

Five minutes is NOT a long time to write but it is fun to see what my brain comes up with in that short amount of time. If you would like to learn more and give it a try link up with Lisa-Jo and hundreds of fellow bloggers for Five Minute Friday!

My Guy Graduates...Ahhh Bittersweet!

Why does it seem like just yesterday he was crawling into my lap to snuggle and watch cartoons with me?? How come it feels like I just blinked my eyes and he went from an adorable little chubby baby to the handsome young man that stands before me today??

My heart is fighting this battle between being proud of who he is becoming and sad because it's all happening too fast. 8th grade graduation, girlfriends, talking about how he can't wait to turn 15 so he can get a job and save for his first car, and making plans for college as well as back up plans for just in case the MLB don't take him has this mommas head spinning! I just want to put this into slow motion because I feel like I am missing it all! 

Words can not express how proud I am of this kid! He really is a great kid with a good head on his shoulders. He is witty and smart and funny! He has amazing taste in music (that he gets from his mother) and is the best big brother anyone could ask for. He only complains a little and is usually first to jump up and help out. He has dreams and ambitions and determination and as much as it kills me to see him growing up I know he is on the right path. I know he is going to be successful and happy in whatever he chooses to do in his adult life.

Congratulations Colten, on completing this chapter of your life and moving on to bigger and better ones. Your father and I could not be any more proud of you and consider it a privilege to be your parents! I love you with all of my heart Boo and I can't wait to see what the future and God has in store for you!

So proud of our boy!!

Cousins :)

Proud grandparents!!

Best friends for life!....(just missing Hondro) I love these boys!

Five Minute Friday: Rhythm

GO: 

Rhythm... 

I have to say that I am kinda in love with the rhythm of our lives right now. We are just coming off of this really big change (relocating back to Texas after a 10 month struggle in hell Arizona) and are getting settled into this new rhythm of things.

 This new life that really isn't new at all. 

Isn't that funny? How when we were here last time, in this same place with almost these exact same circumstances, we doubted that this was the place for us. We questioned God and His plan for us even though the rhythm had started feeling good, natural even. So He gave us the desires of our hearts....

Oh boy! If that wasn't proof enough that what we desire and what God wants for us are two very different things sometimes then I don't know what is. I rest assured though, that the experiences that we went through had reason behind them. As bad as it seemed then (and trust me it was bad at some points) were all part of Gods plan for us. To help us grow and learn and become stronger.  

Now here we are, not quite a month since we made the move back to the amazing state they call Texas and things are going well. This new rhythm was a little unsteady at first but is leveling off. We are jumping in head first and trying to dig deep for God and seek all that He has to offer us. We are happy and content and we feel blessed!

STOP

(Wow, that was totally random and not at all what I expected it to be! I love it!)


I am linking up with Lisa-Jo and an amazing community of fellow bloggers, as I do every Friday, to blog for five minutes straight on a given topic. Head on over and check out what Five Minute Friday is all about and join us!

Five Minute Friday: Listen

This weeks word is: Listen

GO:

Listen.... It's a word that I am constantly saying to my children. 

Listen to what I am telling you!! 

Did you just hear what I said? 

Why don't you listen to me??!!

I feel like I am on repeat sometimes. I swear that it goes in one ear and out the other and I lose count of how many times I repeat myself. If they would just stop and listen to me it woul save them a lot of time and a lot of unhappiness. 

I wonder if God feels like this with me sometimes? 

I am stubborn and hardheaded sometimes. (I wonder where my kids get it) Sometimes I insist on doing things my own way even though I am sure God is screaming at me to LISTEN! Just be still and listen!! 

I am working on this! It's been something that has been on my heart for awhile now. To just "be still and listen!". I feel like the ordeal that we have gone through over the last year is a prime example of this. If both my husband and I would have just stopped, would have just stood still, and listened perhaps we would have heard what He was trying to tell us! Instead of letting fear of the unknown or emotions control us we should have just listened and trusted in the path that God had us on. But like my children tend to do we let it go in one ear and out the other and look where that got us! 

I am also trying to listen more to my children. Be the person you want them to be, lead by example, right? I need to work on listening to them more and not tuning them out. This is a completely different blog topic that is currently in the works so stay tuned friends! 

STOP! 

I am linking up with Lisa-Jo and an amazing community of fellow bloggers, as I do every Friday, to blog for five minutes straight on a given topic. Head on over and check out what Five Minute Friday is all about and join us!

Five Minute Friday: Fall

Today's prompt word is FALL....
 

GO:

Once again my mind goes straight to music. This should be no surprise by now I reckon'. This time I think of Clay Walker and his amazingly accurate song FALL. This song is a favorite of mine because it reminds me of my husband and how amazing he is.... especially when I fall.

We all have those types of days. The days where you just want to throw your hands up and cry or go hide in a closet for a mommy time out. Not just from the craziness motherhood brings but because sometimes life just gets too hard, too heavy. We are only human and can only take so much.

The last year has been hard on me and as much as I hate to admit it I don't always handle stress well. Sometimes I break and I yell and I can be ugly. Unfortunately, most of this is aimed at the person that I am closest to, my husband. Wrong? Yes, it is very wrong and I feel horrible because of it. But he handles it so well. 

The past 6-12 months were really bad, as far as stress goes, for both of us. I can't even count the number of times that I lost it. Even though I knew he was carrying the same load as I was I couldn't help it. He was so amazing and was there to catch me EVERY SINGLE TIME. He did as much as he could to take the stress off of me and it honestly was more then I deserved. I can't express how thankful I am to him for being there. For staying positive and encouraging and supportive. For being the one person in this would world that understands me and my issues and still loves me unconditionally. I can't imagine my life with out him by my side and I pray to God I will never have to experience that! 

Thank you Cowboy, for always being there to catch me when I fall! I love you more then words can describe! 

STOP

 Today I am linking up with Lisa-Jo and the wonderful ladies for Five Minute Friday. Come join me and this awesome community of bloggers!